Soap Box Princess

In which Tryph still works too much

2011-06-28T11:53:00.001-04:00

So I'm officially a TL at work.

Basically I'm the girl who whips the team into shape. I'm actually doing pretty well at it too if you ask me.

On Saturday my boss im'd me to ask what I had done to the team. They almost doubled the target for the day. I was very impressed with them.

My team generally likes me, though I am starting to show them my 'stompy bunny' side. But we'll see how it goes.

And there is talk of creating a schedule that will let me get out of the office before 9pm some nights.

And yeah... That's where I'm at work wise.

More updates as I get used to blogging again. And hopefully better quality posts too.

Dear twitter

2011-06-27T11:53:00.001-04:00

I'm writing this to you dear twitter simply to explain where I've been, and to let you know that it's not personal.

You see, my life has gone to hell in a handbasket. Granted it's a cute little loligoth handbasket, but it's hell all the same.

This isn't all bad. Honestly more positive is coming from these events than negative, but still...

I just haven't been myself.

Ive been broody and dark. Overwhelmingly negative and depressed.

I realized that 1 out of every 3 or 4 tweets was one complaint or another... And while I deal with what I'm going through that's entirely understandable... I just don't want to be that girl.

So until I'm not her I'm avoiding you dear sweet twitter. I promise it's not forever, just for now, and when I come back I'll be my happier more positive self.

In which Tryph doesn't have a good subject line

2011-06-16T09:22:00.002-04:00

I don't even know what to do most days.

My life is all upside down and backwards, and I'm lost. I really hate living out of suit cases, and that's where I am. And I barely have enough clothes to make work appropriate outfits. Far too many tshirts, and far too few shirts I can actually wear to the office.

Stress is wearing me down too. I had my first meal in a few days yesterday. I ate 12 whole pieces of sushi. I was very proud of this accomplishment.

I'm not sure my stomach is ready for coffee again though. It's been a few days since I've had any, and the days seem to get longer and longer without it.

I sat on my mothers porch last night under the stars talking on the phone.

Upon coming back in I realized that I'm still on edge even here. I think I'd be on edge anywhere, at least until I have a 'home.'

I miss my monkey so much. His smile, his voice, the way he'd snuggle me in the morning before school. TeX said that he has made sure that he knows that it wasn't mommy's choice to leave... I worry though. Because it is my choice to stay away, and I fear that THAT is being messaged as well.

I just can't go back. I can't. Every time I stayed through his rage and his promises, it always turned back into the same old song and dance.

I just... I want a life again. I want out of suitcases. I want....

I want to be happy, and you can't be happy walking on eggshells through a mine field. I'm well past the point of exhaustion. It's time for me to rest.

In which tryph takes it one day at a time

2011-06-15T10:55:00.002-04:00

I'm making plans and I'm moving forward.

I can't slide back. I just can't.

TeX offered to let me move back in. Said that he missed me and he was sorry for all the mean hurtful things he said to me.

blah blah blah

It's the same old song and dance really.

Last February it was bad like this. He tried kicking me out almost nightly. He'd get drunk and call me names and throw things at me... then sober up in the morning and apologize. I gave in that time... and it broke me completely.

And in the last 6 weeks alone, he's told me to get out of our house 3 times. This last time was the last time. I can't keep on with the cycle of misery that I've been in. 2 weeks of building a friendship with him.... and then a day to fuck it all up with insane jealous ranting.

I believed him when he said he was okay. I believed him when he said he was over it. I belived in him.

And now... now he's begging me to come back to his house. Promises that things can go back to what they were before he lost his mind.

It's a promise I've heard 2 other times in the last 6 weeks. It's a promise that has been broken 2 other times in the last 6 weeks. It's a promise that's always broken.

I'm tired of broken promises. I'm tired of never knowing what mood he's going to be in, and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells all the time. I'm tired of it all.

I'm moving on.

In which this is a good a time as any

2011-06-14T09:19:00.003-04:00

Yeah, sorry.

Things are in constant flux in the world of Tryph.

Though come to think of it the word flux is a bit of an understatement.

Let me start at the beginning of this tale.

So you all know that over a year ago I told TeX that I was leaving.
You also know that I made efforts (futile at the time) to move on with my life with LOML.
And I had made plans to move out with a firm move date of May.

Then, days before TeX was set to leave for a family trip to Hawaii he came up with this wild idea that he wanted to sell the house. An endeavour that we all knew was mostly a ploy to keep me around a little bit longer. And I bit, and went along with it.

A couple reasons for this. A) I wanted the money from the sale of the house for a new place of my own. B) the last thing I wanted was for things to get ugly for the BC.

I never wanted things to get ugly, he always deserved better than that.

So, time passed.

TeX told me he was over me and didn't want to be together. That he knew we were through and was getting to be okay with it. Time and time again he would tell me this. Swear this to me, over and over and over.

Each time I sounded less and less like a lie he was telling me and himself. Each time I believed him more and let my guard down a bit.

We were becoming friends. People who could talk about stuff, enjoyed each others company. I liked laughing and joking with him. Watching TV with him. In spite of myself I found myself genuinely liking him.

This isn't to say that I was ready to forgive and forget and welcome him back into my heart with open arms, but I was welcoming him back into my life. You see, as much as I liked and yes cared for (I'll even use the word love, though perhaps that four letter word is used a tad too liberally these days) him, I didn't trust him with my heart.

He wasn't ever going to get that back.

So flash to yesterday.... when he started to push harder. He started to make it clear that he wanted more than I was giving him. I realized I had to make it clear that I couldn't give him that. The options as I saw them were clear.

be harsh and draw a clear line in the sand

be cruel and lead him on into his fantasy.

I chose to draw the line.

And the shit hit the fan.

He ranted and raged and threw me out of the house. He made threats and was cruel to me. He broke what little part of my heart still beat for him and spat on it. Again.

At the end of it all, I feel stupid. I should have, and honestly I did, seen this coming. I let myself be blinded by the good that truly is in him...

Anyhow, I'm writing this now from my mothers spare bedroom while I attempt to figure out what to do with my life. there is a lot I need to figure out. Where I'm going to live, how I'm going to see my monkey again (if I can) and how to keep breathing.

I miss my monkey snuggles already, and it's been less than 24 hours since I was last at the house I used to call home.

In which Tryph welcomes herself back

2011-05-16T09:58:00.002-04:00

So, um, yeah.

I wasn't prepared to take a hiatus like that, but I did and I suppose I needed it.

Anyhow, I'm hoping to be back to blogging on a more regular basis.

We'll see how this works out.

And because it is Monday, I figured I'd leave you with a song from my new favourite band ever.

in which tryph is addicted

2011-04-11T08:39:00.002-04:00

I have a habit of finding/downloading discographies.

Now, when it's a band I really like, I'll buy the CD's and replace my downloads with rips of the cd's. That's just how I am. Or I'll find Tshirts or something.

Either way, yes I pirate music, but I also find ways to support the bands I like.

Now, why am I an addict?

Well, I have over 80 gig of music spread over several harddrives. I Knew the number, but I didn't quite grasp the scope of what all I really had tucked away in there, until this last week.

See, I started sending a friend of mine music. Every day I'd send him about 20 or so songs (give or take) to give him a feel for what I'm like musically and how I connect with the world (because really that's what music always was for me, a way to connect to the world).

Anyhow, We did that for 4 days or so, and I realized that even with only sending one or two songs of all of the bands that I have, that I barely scratched the surface of what I've got.

I think I'm going to have to start with the music sharing around here to... and for this week I'm going to start with a Florence + the Machine song I know I've linked before, but it's worth linking again because it is my current theme song. Yes, I have themesongs.

In which Tryph intimidates pepole

2011-04-08T09:19:00.002-04:00

When I go to work, I try to keep in mind that not everyone knows me, or what I'm really like.

I try to recognize that people are going to judge me on my looks, which is unfortunate, but true.

So keeping this in mind, I try to not wear too much eyeliner, or studs or things of that nature that may, and will put people off. especially considering I'm a coach, and a team leader, I kind of have to seem approachable. I think I do this well enough without compromising my personal style.

Now there's this one agent, that every time I nudge or coach (and I only give the little notes, and positive nudges) she jumps out of her skin. it's become something of a joke for me. I always insist that I'm really NOT that scary, and we laugh about it.

But yesterday, she said something interesting to me.

She commented that the less 'dark' I had on my eyes, the scarier I seemed. We laughed and I promised to wear more eyeliner in the future.

It's strange. I always wore less eyeliner to work because I didn't want to put people off, and yet, that did the exact opposite with this woman. I wonder if it's related at all to the idea I used to instill in the cast and crews I used to work with. That the bigger my grin, the better you should hide.

in which tryph is burning out

2011-04-06T08:32:00.002-04:00

My job is getting to the point where it's killing me.

It's not entirely the jobs fault, it's also the fact that I still live in Hell and currently have to bus in and out to get to work and back to Hell. It's a 12 hour day just in travel/work/linger before work. This doesn't include the hour or so it takes to get ready.

I basically work and sleep these days. which is awesome!

And then being AT work...

Things are going bad, the stress is piling on.

We're getting more organised. We have a new director who was hired on shortly after I can back after quitting. She and I have great visions of the company and how we want to mold the raw materials. It's just a matter of having the time to develop the things we need to on the backend, and to design programs (QA, Training, Coaching, Development, etc).

Any how, these long days are very long, and are making it difficult to get things I need to get done, DONE. Case in point, I need to get fitted for new bras. I also need new undies. I could use a few alterations to clothing, although I'm waiting a bit on that.

I'm burning out hardcore.

I'm hoping that this is the last week or two that they have me doing these crazy hours. We are starting to phase people in to the new roles that they were hired for. *fingers crossed*

Though, I foresee a few vacation days in use this summer. I'm declaring this summer the summer of Shana-nigans*!

*cos, you know, my name is Shana, and it's just cute to call them Shana-nigans, instead of shenanigans.

In which Tryph IS the butterfly

2011-04-05T08:41:00.000-04:00

A year ago I encountered a bridge. This bridge was the first step in a series of events that are defining the path I am.

Everything in this world happens for a reason.

It's so trite, but so true, and even this hopelessly lost girl has to admit that.

Everything happens for a reason.

The people you meet, you meet for a reason. The people who hurt you, hurt you for a reason. The mistakes you make, you make for a reason. It's my mantra.

A girl cannot become a butterfly if she doesn't go through a transformation.

I'm transforming. I'm flying.

I'm a butterfly baby... and you'd better watch out, cos no one suspects the butterfly.

In which tryph...

2011-04-04T08:49:00.002-04:00

Yeah, so I have no idea what I want to write about.

I'm in a very off kind of mood and nothing at all makes any sense to me. I'm broken, and sad, and hurt so much.

And have writers block something fierce.

The words 'be the butterfly' keep ringing in my head. I'm not really doing a good job of this. I don't know how to be the butterfly. I don't know how to let go of the pain that has me wrapped so tightly.

I'm so tired that I can't even think. I'll try again tomorrow.

In which Tryph talks to people about clothes

2011-04-01T08:37:00.000-04:00

So, I told you about the identity crisis I encountered last week... But what I didn't tell you about is what happened.

I ended up putting on this terrible outfit.

See, at work I have a manager who always compliments my style. Until that day. Now, I was wearing some crazy purple tights, a black lace skirt and a blue shirt. I think I had a jacket of some sort on too.

Either way, it was awful... and she came up to me, took in my attire and I commented "Yeah, I know, it's terrible".

Later I told her about the identity crisis and she made me think about it a little differently.

She told me to consider the fact that I am one of the few people she knows that can pull off a straight up 'office' type look one day, and the next wear a party dress with a blazer and make it all look good.

She told me that part of why she loves my style is that she never knows what I'm going to wear, or what look I'm going to rock out next. She told me that the next time I'm feeling an identity crisis coming on, I should talk to her because she'll make me feel better about it all.

She also told me that I need to go out clubbing and 'pick up'.

I think I love the people I work with, they're pretty awesome most of the time.

In which Tryph attempts baby steps

2011-03-31T08:39:00.000-04:00

Life is a race that we all run.

Most of my life I have spent running away from things, people, situations; or chasing after the hope of something better.

The only times I haven't been running at high speed have been the times that I have stumbled and fallen down.

I do what a lot of people do. I get so focused on an objective (either running from or running to something) that the only things I see are my destination. And I run flat out at top speed to get there.

This, can be good at times... but more often than not, it winds up being a bad idea.

You see, you need to know where you are, take in the terrain and sometimes you have to slow down or you're going to wind up hurting yourself. You never know when the road you thought was paved is going to turn out to be full of potholes, or the pavement stopped and you're running through a forest full of roots.

I guess I'm saying that I've been so blinded by where I wanted to be that I missed out on where I was.

This faithful readers, was a SERIOUS mistep for me.

I spent 5 months running headlong into something that I know is truly amazing. Truly spectactular, and quite possibly the best thing I ever had the chance to mess up. I ran with all my heart, I ran until my lungs screamed and my muscles were ready to give out. I ran and ran and RAN. I tripped as I ran, I stumbled as I ran, but I kept running even when I knew I should stop.

I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I ran until I was completely alone. My body gave out, and I fell to the ground. And only then did I realize what I had done and where I was.

And I was so fucking hurt... the pain I felt as I laid there... it was unimaginable.

You have all followed the struggle I've battled through this last month. There have been tears, and I assure you there are more to come, because I still hurt. The damage I have done damages me to the absolute core.

But I am getting back up. I have reached out to the friends who ventured into the woods with me. The ones who worried and fretted and let me rage, and rant and wail... I assure you that the things that made it here are TAME compared to what they have heard from me.

I am going to endeavour to not run this time.

I am going to make it to the finish line, but I'm not going to race to get there. The finish line will still be there when I get to it. And I am going to need each and every one of you to remind me that I need to watch where I am. I'm going to need you to be there when I forget and fall.

I can't do this without you.

In which Tryph writes

2011-03-30T07:34:00.002-04:00

I am in the process of literally writing the book on being a rockstar.

I really don't think I'm qualified to honestly write this, and honestly these days I feel like a giant hypocrite, but I'm going to write the book. I'm writing it because I think it will help me, and Í think it might help others too.

You've all heard the basic premise of my rockstar philosophy... in short "if you don't feel like a rockstar, you're doing it wrong"

Now I've had people argue with me that I should set my standard higher and change the word "rockstar" with the word "god/goddess" which while I fully admit will work for some people, just doesn't fit into my personal world view. Don't get me wrong, I know that some people will identify better with 'god/goddess' than with 'rockstar', but honestly, I have a very tenuous grasp with what god/goddess really MEANS so I'm not sure I could even begin to imagine what it would be to be one.

Rockstars though, I know, I can imagine.

Anyhow... a friend (TBD to be fair) suggested that I write the book almost on a whim and I grabbed hold of the idea.

I've had more than one person tell me over the last year that I've inspired them to be more like themselves than they either ever have been, or have been in a while. The way I see it, if I can write this book and help even a few people... Well then I've done what I'm beginning to think I need to.

So yeah, I'm writing the book on being a rockstar.

In Which Tryph has an identity crisis

2011-03-29T08:09:00.003-04:00

So, we all know that I haven't been myself lately, and all things considered I think it's understandable, but at the end of the day I haven't been myself.

So last week I went into the office dressed in one of my 'normal' type outfits. It consisted of a pair of jeans, a white ruffled blouse, and the military jacket I tend to call my 'Sgt. Pepper' jacket. I thought I looked nice, not my rockstar self, but nice all the same. The kind of look I'm comfortable wearing to the office, and don't feel like I'm compromising myself.

Well, that is until someone commented that I looked like I had just stepped out of the Sears catalogue. I normally let comments like this roll off my back. I mean, my personal style is a little crazy at times, but I like to keep the world off balance because you never know what I'm going to end up wearing out. Sometimes it's a total officey outfit, others it's a fancy party dress. More often than not I'm trying to find a way to make tshirts seem corporate casual, and quite successful at it.

But last week... given my emotional state I wasn't able to let this comment slide.

It HURT.

I wound up wearing an awful outfit to work the next day. It was totally something from them 80's glamrock scene... and extra terrible. It ended up making me feel worse about my own personal style and sparked a pretty hardcore identity crisis. I'm still in the midst of it.

I have an order of a pair of dresses from Hottopic coming this week that I'm hoping will help get me through this. And once SockDreams hits 25K 'likes' on failbook they're going to give all us a 20% off coupon code... so I'll be adding more stockings, tights and leggings to my collection.

I'm still the same girl I always was. I'm still my own rockstar. I just feel like I'm losing myself, and hope that burying myself in epic clothes helps me find who I am again. <3

In which Tryph Writes About Something Else

2011-03-28T08:18:00.000-04:00

In an effort to write about something that doesn't make me sob like a small child, I'll relate to you an anecdote from this weekend. You see, we've been debating what to do about The BoyChild and what he should bring to Hawaii with him (he and TeX are going to Hawaii for 2.5 weeks starting the first weekend in April). Since I am CLEARLY not going with them, and the boychild and I will want/need to stay in touch with each other, TeX and I debated a few things. The first was a tablet, which honestly the idea was touched upon and dismissed pretty quickly. The second was just bringing Tink, my MSI netbook. Which while she could get the job done, she's not in the greatest shape. Her battery is lame, and she doesn't function well without being plugged in... and won't charge while plugged in. So we then thought about buying a new netbook for the boychild. Something small that he could use to maybe play some of his flash games, and chat with me etc. nothing serious. And finally we debated getting an actual laptop. The decision finally came down to the fact that a notebook was going to be far more versatile, and value for money a better deal. So we shopped around looking for a notebook. We found one that looked good enough for what we wanted. Nothing great, but not too bad. Would get the job done, and we waited for someone at the store to help us. 20 minutes later, after several employees walked by someone finally stopped to assist us. And I promptly offended him. I really hate people who think that they can 'upsell' me based on the fact that I have boobs. (it's also important to note that I was wearing my WoW priest shirt). So anyhow, we ask the guy a few details about the notebook we were looking at, and he immediately goes from showing us the ones in the range that we want, to talking about ones that are twice as much. When he realizes that we're not going along with him, he resorts to saying to me "Well, you won't be able to play WoW on that one" Now, I'd stayed quiet up to this point. Knowing that most guys will look at me and think I'm an idiot before I even open my mouth, I avoid the situation completely. Honestly, I open my mouth and I'm liable to demand someone's spleen. But this, this was one of those comments where I HAD to speak up. Well, after I drew attention to myself by snorting derisively and loudly. The guy looked at me and I almost felt bad for offending him. He muttered something about my shirt and I decided to open my mouth. I told him that I have a PC that I game on, and I wasn't looking for a machine to play anything more powerful than say World of Goo. And the guy tried telling me that the laptop we were looking at wouldn't even play that. Which I know to be a lie, considering that my 2 year old netbook can play WoG. So I ended up going to another store where we spent more money and got a new lovely Gateway ID Series machine that plays L4D and many other games. Moral of this story? Try to sell me more than what I want and I'll buy it, from someone else.

In which Tryph is still... not great... but is okay

2011-03-25T08:03:00.003-04:00

I do not love my life these days.

This isn't to say that I don't love aspects of my life, but overall, I'm just not the president of the fanclub for my life. But I'm still breathing.

Last October, when I was still happy and still moving forward with getting to know ME... the man who quickly displayed that he was the LomL put this quote on my failbook wall.

‎"Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough."

- Emily Dickinson

Last week I couldn't even think about joy or ecstasy... but today. Today I'm trying to appreciate and find joy in the simple act of breathing.

It's funny, when LomL sent this to me way back when... I liked the quote, but I wasn't sure it really applied to me. I was already finding ecstasy in life, in flowers, and the scent of the wind... in everything.

I thought then that I was the butterfly, but I'm beginning to realize I was not. I was embarking on the metamorphosis that I haven't quite completed yet. On Oct 11, I did not need to find ecstasy in life, as I thought I had it. Today though, I need this quote more than ever.

I also find amusement in the fact that I feel like my life is falling to pieces in part because of LomL's actions... and yet I'm using his quote to help with my reawakening and rebirth. It's strange where you find strength when you need it most.

Most of this month I have felt weak. I have spent so much time sobbing, and screaming and crying. I've clung to those closest to me for dear life, hoping to keep my head above the waves of anguish that raged around me. There were days that I woke up unsure if or how I would make it through the day.

This week... This week I still cry most every day. I still have a hard time smiling or laughing. And I'm still not finding joy in the things I once did... but I'm still breathing.

And sometimes, you have to take the simple joys where you can. I'm still breathing, and I'm still here. I'm still fighting, and I will make it through this.

There is a lot of joy in that.

In which Tryph writes a list

2011-03-24T08:25:00.002-04:00

When things are stressful, or confusing or I generally can't make sense of things, I make lists.

I've told you about this before faithful readers, but I love the list making. Lists make the world a better place (for me) to live.

So I've had a few things to deal with this week.

Work stresses the crap out of me, because I don't know what my role is on a daily basis. I've been filling the gaps of Trainer, QA, Coach, Floor support, Technical support, Hardware/software support, and creator of training documents.

But they make sure I get breaks, and I try to leave the office at lunch daily to help detox and destress, so it's not too bad. I just make lists of what I've done and what to do as I go along. It helps it make sense to me.

Then there's the LomL stuff. which I don't want to get into right now.

And then there's the house.

A year ago, long before LomL, long before this job, and long before our debts (and by our, I mean the ones that are in my name) I told TeX I was leaving. We talked about what to do with the house at that point. About eight and a half years ago, we bought this house. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Living in Helland close to the highway kept us close enough to town that we could get back and forth with ease. And both of us had day shifts that started at approximately the same time. The boychild went to school in the city... so it all worked. I mean, I kind of hated Helland from the first day, but it was doable. I worked A LOT back then and had no real life save for movie nights. And movie nights were generally held here.

Anyhow... life changed, I don't work at that old job. I have different hours, and it's become difficult to get from point A to point B. I tend to do a lot more things on my own, and because I don't drive yet, it's more than a bit of a pain in the ass.

SO when I made it clear that I'd be moving, we talked about selling the house, and TeX said he wanted to keep it.

And when I fell for LomL, we talked about selling the house, and TeX said he wanted to keep it.

And now that LomL is YAE and I'm 6 weeks from my proposed moving date, TeX wants to sell the house.

Maybe.

He's not sure, and there are a few things to seriously consider when it comes to selling. Things I'd have loved to consider a year ago, a few months ago, or at any point when I wasn't already looking at apartments.

Pros to selling

- not giving up the equity I helped build. (I've paid into the house for 8 years)

- down payment for my own place (meaning living in a house instead of an apartment)

- not having the mortgage hanging over my head (meaning if TeX walked from the house, I'd be screwed)

- a fresh start

Cons to selling the house

- penalty to breaking mortgage early (going to the bank to find out what this is)

- the work (estimated at 10-15K)

- not being able to move out until it's fixed

- Realtor fees (could be upwards of 10%)

There are a few things that are points that I absolutely feel I cannot waffle on. I can't keep living in this house. It's not that bad all the time, but the times it is, I go so crazy that I can't even breathe. but I know he can't pay for the repairs necessary himself...

I'm going to talk to my mother and do the unthinkable. I'm going to see if I can stay with her rent free. I'm also going to talk to the bank about a line of credit. If we're going to sell, I want the house on the market ASAP.

This little bunny, well now more than ever she needs to start her new life. And I can't stand any more delays. As a very wise and wonderful woman told me... I've got to be the butterfly. And to do so, I have to get out of this cocoon.

In which Tryph still believes in love

2011-03-23T08:35:00.001-04:00

Good morning, my name is Tryphyna and I still believe in love.

This month has been something like hell on earth for me. My heart has been battered and broken, and my faith in everything I have ever believed and held to be true has been shaken.

Ever since I was a child, I have been a hopeless romantic.

Life was hard and I had to slip into a world of fantasy and dreams to cope most times. But no matter how tough things got, I always believed in love.

That belief got me through a lot as I grew up.
That belief was the only thing that I have always carried with me, no matter where I was or what I was doing. My faith and belief in love never wavered, faltered and remained unshaken.

Until this month.

Everything I thought I knew was ripped from me and my faith in everything was upside down. And I began to disbelieve love.

I felt betrayed and dismayed. I felt hurt and angry. And the despair... Was overwhelming.

And then I started listening to Sigh No More, an album by Mumford and Sons.

It's strange how, when you consider the subject matter of the album, it has soothed my heart and applied a salve to my wounded soul.... Until you hear lyrics like...

Love it will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

And I was set free.

Not many people get to experience honest and true pure love. Most people experience love, but not the stuff that real life fairy tales are made from.

I am lucky, and truly blessed to have gotten a taste, as bitter sweet though it may have been.

My love, even in it's loss, for loml will not enslave me in sorrow. It will set me free.

In which Tryph talks to the wrong person

2011-03-22T08:17:00.003-04:00

It's interesting where some of the best advice you get comes from sometimes, but I suppose the people who have had the chance to know you the best are prone to knowing what to say.

TeX is the last person I wanted to talk to about any of this stuff about LomL.

I didn't want to talk to him for a few reasons... I didn't want to talk because I knew it would be unnecessarily cruel to cry and tell him about how much I love another man... and I didn't want to talk to him because I hold him partially responsible for this situation. NOT my decisions, the choices I made and my actions are all mine... but for creating a climate where I felt like I was going insane.

Anyhow, I'm finding that the waves of despair that seem to crash into me between moments of peace are overwhelming at times. I wail, and cry and... well you get the idea.

Broken Hearted Bunny Is Broken Hearted.

So this past weekend I was in a state, sobbing and generally making a mess of myself. And I broke. I asked TeX for advice. I asked him what he would do if he were me.

He told me that he'd push until he got pushed away... but went on to say that I needed to find my way through this. That the last thing in the world that I wanted was to mess up the way I feel about LomL. That I didn't want to have the incredible love I have for LomL mixed up with the same kind of intense pain and hatred that wound up twisted into how I felt about him.

That kind of love and hate combination really messes you up. It twists you up and makes it impossible to know up from down or right from wrong.

And TeX reminded me that I'm currently on that path, and if I want to keep my love pure, I'm going to have to find a way to move through the hurt before the cuts are too deep to heal properly.

And so, the stage is set, the plan is in place. One more push and then... well... hopefully this turns out well. Although I can't tell you what well means anymore.

In Which Tryph has peace....

2011-03-21T10:11:00.001-04:00

I've spent weeks crying, and dying. I've wailed, and sobbed and screamed my mornings away. Most nights I cry myself to sleep, quietly so as to not disturb anyone around me. And the sleep I do get is broken and not very restful.

Most days are a fog of pain, anguish and sorrow. The occasional bout of rage, and anger that I hold dear to keep me from losing myself to the pain. Or I've been numb, though numb isn't something that comes often, or stays long.

My body, my mind, my heart and my soul are constantly rioting with... emotion. There hasn't been a dull moment inside of Miss Tryph... until today.

(at the point of writing this, it is Friday night)

Today, I went for a walk on my lunch break, as I'm attempting to make it a habit of doing. The wind whipped and tugged at my hair and my jacket, and the music was in my ears. I suddenly felt.... free.

Though free isn't the right word.

Free suggests that I felt as if I was without pain, without suffering.

And I'm still very much in pain, I still feel the anguish with every fiber of my being.

I miss him with every part of me. I ache, and it's not dull at all, it's sharp an it still feels like I'm dying. It still feels like there is a hole in my chest where he belongs.

But I have peace about it.

I'm trying to remember that everything happens for a reason. Everything does. I know in my heart of hearts what the reason is for me. I hope the reason is the same for him. I also hope that this peace lasts.

In which Tryph is... worried

2011-03-18T08:25:00.002-04:00

Mojo always said I worried too much. And here I am now, stressed and worried like I've never been before.

I'm worried that things are awkward for my friends. I'm not taking this breakup well, and outwardly he seems entirely unfazed. I am wearing my pain on my sleeve and actually letting those who want to be a part of it into my world.

I'm worried that common friends are turning against him because of my pain. I've never been the kind of girl who thinks that people should choose sides. Honestly, the breakdown between he and I is our issue. Although, I know it's not my fault and his actions that are leading to this. If this situation was being handled at a more mature level... I'm sure things would be different.

I'm worried about him. As outwardly unfazed as he seems, and although he won't let me in, I know him better than I thought. I know he's hurting. I know that he's got a lot that he's taking into himself, and I'm not sure he's got anyone to talk to about it. I know that I'm pouring my guts out to anyone who will listen, but at the end of the day... when the scars are set, I know mine will heal over better because I am letting the wounds breathe instead of fester. I worry he doesn't have the same kind of outlet that I do.

I worry that I may never find peace again.

I worry that the pain and the tears won't stop.

I worry that my control is slipping and the mask will drop.

And other people are worried about my health. I haven't eaten a proper meal in over 2 weeks, and the few times I've attempted to eat I've been faced with excruciating pain. I'm constantly dizzy and light headed. Short walks up stairs wind me. People who see me, especially without the mask on, see that I'm physically falling to pieces.

I'm worried I may never smile again. The real, huge smiles I had a few months ago. the moments with him where I felt truly alive for the first time. I'm worried that those times are over.

I'm worried that I won't be able to put my world back together.

I'm worried that we are really done forever.

and perhaps I just need to accept that... but I still just can't. Not yet.

and since the tears are stinging my face, I should probably go.

In which Tryph is at a loss for words

2011-03-17T08:11:00.002-04:00

there have been very very few times in my life where I haven't been able to write through the pain.

Actually, now that I think about it, this is probably the first time I haven't been able to write through it. This, faithful readers, is quite possibly the most pain I have ever been in before. I'm sure it could be worse, I mean I still have my amazing son and great friends to pull me through all this bullshit....

But I'm falling to pieces. I still have the idea to do a piece on soulmates at some point, but I have to tell you that the concept isn't one I was really a fan of until 5 months ago. I found mine. I finally completed my puzzle, and I was whole for the first time in my life. And it was scary and amazing and wonderful.

Now though... now my soul feels like it's fracturing.

The pain, it's so deep that some days I'm not sure I can breathe. And the sorrow comes in waves that bowl me over. Yesterday at work even, I was quietly sitting at my desk and suddenly was overwhelmed by tears. The only thing that kept me from crying at work was grabbing onto the anger I have within me.

But anger is only a temporary measure. Just enough to keep me going through the rest of the work day. The moment I'm back at the house, I'm feeling dead and crying again.

I wish I could be more pushy. I wish I was willing to be insistent, and force my pain into his world. make it impossible for him to ignore, to deny. Any man who loves someone can't ignore their pain when they are as deep in it as I am currently. And currently I'm letting him ignore me.

People have asked and offered to slap him upside the head... and honestly it won't help. I wish he'd talk to someone though. Open up to someone... someone to help him find some sense, to find some peace... and maybe just maybe find his way back to me.

I wish I understood how someone could break all their promises in one fell swoop and never look back.

But since I'm saying the same things I keep fucking saying over and over again, I'm going to stop typing for today.

In which Tryph makes a list

2011-03-16T08:59:00.001-04:00

I make lists all the time. Lists, much like numbers, are ways that I can make things make sense. The more chaotic, the more lists.

Things I need to get in the next 2 months (furniture,boxes, driver and a moving truck)

Things I need to do in the next 2 months (open new bank account, firm up apartment, pack)

Things I won't miss when I move out in 2 months

people stealing my towel (seriously, it sucks to step out of the shower go to dry off and find your towel is wet)
people stealing my razer (I just don't share well)
the incessant smell of catpee (there are so many cats in this house that it seems that none of them want to use the litter box on a regular basis)
having to handle and cook meat from time to time. (ew)
having to clean up after other peoples messes
living in helland
half waking up to find unwelcome hands stroking my skin and a voice whispering "I Love You"
leaving for work 3.5 hours before I have to be there
being far away from my friends
not having privacy
not having freedom

And things I WILL miss when I move out in two months

Snuggling with BC in the morning
Ninjaing into his room when I get home from work to give him kisses and whisper 'I love you baby' as he sleeps.
Falling asleep with cats on top of me, warm and purring
the fireplace
my own laundry facilities (I kind of hate laundromats)
the giant TV (I admit it, it grew on me)

I'm sure there are other things to add to both lists, but I think that's a good start for now.

In which Tryph has bad days, and even worse days

2011-03-15T08:53:00.002-04:00

I'm still attempting to approach life one breath at a time, and it seems that this is the best I can do for now.

I'm heartbroken, and full of sorrow and questions of 'what if'.

There are waves of pain, and it never seems to get any better. I'm sure it will in time, but today, and this week I'm not so sure. Right now, I still feel like I'm drowning in the hole that is in my chest.

I just don't know what to do.

The bad days are bad enough. Those are the days where I'm wrapped in numb. I still feel the pain, but feel oddly disconnected from it. Those are the days that I can breathe, and slip the mask of normal on. The days where I can stop shaking long enough to convince the world that I'm okay.

We all know I'm not okay.

Then the worse days. The ones where I scream and cry at the air. Beg it to not do this to me, beg him to not do this to us. Days where I cry so hard that I can't breathe and my head aches. Days where I'm tempted to break the cone of silence and reach out to him. I know I shouldn't, and I won't, but I'm desperate to talk to him. Desperate for understanding.

That's the hardest part of all this. I just don't understand.

Well, no, that's one of the hardest parts.

I feel like he fell out of love with me in a heartbeat. I feel like he doesn't want me, doesn't love me, and possibly never did. I question so much, and my questions fall upon the air because I'm not sure if the time is right to reach out to him. To start the fight in earnest.

I want to fight.

I need to fight.

I just don't know how.

I wish someone could tell me what to do. I wish he'd read my words and reach back to me the way I'm desperate to reach out to him. I wish... I wish... I wish...

I cry on the bad days. I wail on the worse days. And I'm always questioning if there will ever be good days again.

In which Tryph is a Phoenix

2011-03-14T09:38:00.001-04:00

I have gone through a lot more crap in my short life than most ever have to go through in the entire span of their existence.

But I am a fighter. At the end of it all, no matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I want to die, or feel like I AM dying, I am a fighter. I don't even know how I do it most days, but I know that I do somehow find the strength of will to keep breathing another day.

Last week... well last week was terrible. I spent a lot of time cold, and barely breathing. I felt, and still feel like there is a hole in my chest that may never be filled again. And I literally felt like I was dying. I have never, not in my entire life, not with all the bullshit I've ever dealt with ever before, felt as awful as I did last week.

Anyhow... I wasn't sure I would be able to pull a phoenix off. Especially since the last one I managed was a year ago. I thought it was too much, too soon.

I did something uncharacteristic of me. And I did it because I was feeling so weak and needed something, someone.

I called my mother. I went to her, and I cried in her arms. I cried so hard my nose bled, and my face was raw from wiping tears away. I cried and I wailed. I wailed so loud and so much that my cat bit me. HARD.

Now I need to give you some backstory on my Jawa cat.

I got him 14 years ago as a kitten and he always make it a point to take care of me from day one. If I was up too late doing homework or reading, he'd laydown on my books until I'd turn my lights off. If I slept through my alarm, he'd bat at my face until I woke up. If I hadn't eaten he'd stand in the kitchen and mrow until I went in and realized I was hungry.

So on Thursday when the little asshole bit me, I realized what he was doing. He doesn't have words to use. He can't say to me that I need to snap out of it. He can't hug me and let me cry on his shoulder... but he can still send me a clear message.

the message was clear.

He was telling me to snap the fuck out of it. Reminding me that no pain is insurmountable. That there is nothing in this world that can't be conquered if I don't insist on doing it on my own.

So he bit me, and woke me up.

I still hurt, and I'm not going to stop hurting any time soon, but I can breathe and most days even though I still have oceans of tears to cry. I will get through this.

In which Tryph feels she should say something

2011-03-11T07:56:00.004-05:00

A few friends and family have indicated that they're very worried about me.

You see, I have a history of being terribly self destructive, and at times, suicidal. I've made more than one attempt on my life in the past, and have cut, burned, scratched, punched and generally abused myself more than I truly care to admit.

I have been a very troubled girl/teen/young woman. Given my history, it's understandable. Not justifiable, but understandable. I was a terribly lonely loner. I never had a support structure before, and I didn't know who I was.

This is very very different now. I have friends who care about me, and that I actually am letting be a part of my pain. I'm letting myself cry, and feel every moment of the pain, and not trying to suck it back and hold it in. And... Even though we're not together, I found the love of my life. I found him and he completed the missing parts of me.

Yes, without him it feels like there is a giant hole in my soul. Yes, I feel like I'm drowning and that I may never reach the surface. Yes, I wake up in the morning wishing I hadn't. Yes I'm experiencing more emotional pain than I ever have before, and hopefully ever will again. But I have to think about more than just HIM.

As much as I love LOML, I love myself more. I love my son more. And because of this, I won't be doing anything stupid.

Yes, when I alternate between rage and depression I've punched things, and my knuckles sort of look like I've gone a few rounds with a prize fighter, but this doesn't mean I'm going to walk into traffic, or cut myself. I am currently very unstable, but not THAT unstable.

I'm crying, and screaming, and begging the air to not do this. But I will survive this, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will learn to breathe again one breath at a time.

I promise you, I'll be okay. Not today, or tomorrow.... or likely even next week. But I will be okay.

In which Tryph gets her 10 minutes

2011-03-10T08:50:00.004-05:00

Tuesday, I begged for 10 minutes of his time. Just 10 minutes for the rest of his life. 10 minutes for him to show me that we were through.

Just 10 minutes.

And he told me that I could have my 10 minutes, once he was done work. I then texted him twice asking when we were going to talk, and he didn't respond. I then texted one more time to say that I wasn't giving up, that I would get my 10 fucking minutes and he would hear me out. That our love was worth fighting for.

And again, he didn't respond.

I haven't attempted to contact him again. I'm not sure what my next steps are to be honest. He still loves me, he even admitted it. How can I turn my back on true love? But how can I force myself into his world if he's 'done' with me.

Honestly though, I don't think he's done with me. I think he's angry and hurt and scared. I think he doesn't know what to think. I wish I knew what to do. I don't want to give up, I love him too much to let go... but...

I just don't know what to do.

Anyhow... one of the things I had wanted to do when I got my 10 minutes was to read this speech to him. I'd written it after he told me that he was done and didn't want to talk to me anymore. I wrote it between sobs, and while shaking like a leaf. I wrote it hard copy in a note book. It was too important to write any other way.

Here it is....

'LOML, Five months ago you said you were going to wait for me, no matter how long it took. that you loved me like you had never loved anyone before.
I warned you that until I moved it was going to be a tough road and you said you were prepared for it.

Since then I think it's been tougher than either of us imagined.

But you still swore that you were going to fight for me, for us.
And yes, it seems that all we are doing is fighting. The constant push and pull is wearing us both down.

This is why I asked for a break. I thought that if we broke that it would somehow be easier.
I was dead wrong.

Without you, I am lost.
Without you, I am without hope.
without you, I am broken and alone.

I think we both need to realize that an integral part of any successful battle plan is tactical retreat.

Not surrenduring or giving up, but taking a step back to reevaluate and reset the battle field.

I am not ready to give up on you LOML. on us. I belong to you completely and I am going to fight for you.

We haven't even begun yet, I can't quit on us now.

I don't think either of us are truly in a place where we can clearly make decisions about our futures. But do this for me now...

Search your heart, your soul and ask yourself if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can't EVER work through this. I'm not saying today, or even tomorrow, but ever. And I'm not saying WANT, I know that right now you don't really want to, you're hurting and quite possibly angry with me, I mean CAN we.

it seems so wrong to turn our backs on a perfect love, just because the people in it are flawed. '

Granted, I was also likely going to cry and beg him to not do this. To not leave me. That all I want is to be his wife and have his children, and that we can get through this, through anything. Remind him that he was the one who always said that the tough times were put here to make us stronger together. That I've never wanted anything as much as I want this.

I miss him so much. I miss the sound of his voice, his smile, his sense of humor. And I still don't understand....

And I think that this should be the last time I spout off personal details about this on the internet. I'm always open to advice and comments and help, because gods help me, I need it. I don't know how I'm going to keep going, keep breathing... But this isn't the right forum for it.

In which Tryph doesn't understand

2011-03-09T08:25:00.004-05:00

I don't make it a habit of posting more than once in a day... but I can't help it. I'm falling to pieces.

How can someone who loves someone as much as YAE says he loves me, do this? How can he just turn his back on me?

I don't understand how we went from him looking at engagement rings, and talking about slowly moving his stuff in with me with every visit... to he never wants to talk to me again?

I just don't understand.

Can someone tell me how this happens? When two people who love each other this much... can just end? End before they really had a chance to start?

I don't understand.

And I can't breathe. I'm falling apart. Someone catch me before I fall.

In which Tryph is sad, so very very sad

2011-03-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

It's just after 1am as I write this, and I'm looking forward to a night of sleep brought on by sobbing related exhaustion.

2 weeks ago I made the biggest mistake I have in a very very long time. I asked the love of my life to take a break, because I was under incredible stress from TeX and hadn't slept much in weeks. I, for some stupid reason thought that a break would somehow make this easier on both of us.

I realized too late that it was the wrong thing to do. I realized too late what my mistake was, and has always been since the inception of this relationship. I've been too scared to truly let go and surrender myself to YAE and to our love. The things I thought I was doing to preserve or protect our love is what ultimately brought the house of cards down.

upon realizing my mistake, I begged him to take me back.

And he won't. He won't even talk to me.

On the one hand, I can't blame him. I'm in a bad place, and I'm making bad decisions as a result. I have been hurtful, and stressed YAE out needlessly. Don't get me wrong, he's by no means perfect either. We both have a long way to go to make this work.

On the other hand, I entirely blame him. Anyone who knows the situation I'm in knows that it's rapidly coming to a close. That I will soon find myself in a place where I can finally be myself and on my own. That soon, things could have been perfect.

To close the door forever on us right now is wrong. To take a break and pull back for now, with the promise to revisit later is reasonable.

I'm babbling, I'm tired, and hurting and likely going to cry myself to sleep while I watch Scott Pilgrim as I have every single night for the last 2 weeks.

I'm madly, desperately in love with YAE and I'm not giving up. I know in my heart that we should be together, I love him and he still loves me. I can't give up now.... there may be a point where I give up the fight, but it's not today. Today, I'm going to fight for him, for us, for love.

In which Tryph suggests you celebrate...

2011-03-08T08:40:00.000-05:00

The women in your life.

Today is International Women's Day.

I was reminded of this when I was watching a great documentary called Who Wants To Be A Feminist the other day. I highly recommend it to any woman who believes in womans rights and equality, but has a hard time identifying themselves as a feminist.

Anyhow...

yeah...

that's it for today

in which Tryph considers getting under someone else...

2011-03-07T08:54:00.000-05:00

they say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

I always thought this was a terrible idea, but I'm actually seeing some merits to it these days.

You see, TeX has decided that he is going to apply the legal definition of adultry to the fact that I was cheating on him. And since my flesh never met YAE's flesh, he declares that cheating has never happened and will not divorce me.

I want nothing more to have this horror show known as my marriage to be ended. I want it fucking OVER. NOW.

Now the original idea behind this is because I wanted to marry YAE. The idea of signing his second name as my own... of the world knowing that he was mine and I his... was the only thing I wanted. Though, when YAE was still BBFE.... I was prepared to have to wait the year before this would happen. As much as I wanted to marry him right away, I was ready to wait.

Now that he isn't BBFE and he's YAE...

I'm not content to wait. I just want TeX to TRULY be TeX.

So I'm now considering whether or not I can whore it up a little bit, and find someone who will defile me so TeX has no excuse to not divorce me as he promised he would. I hate the idea of being tied to him, and even though I no longer plan to get married any time soon... I want it done now.

In which Tryph writes to her angel

2011-03-04T08:57:00.002-05:00

My Dear little MonkeyButter,

I know, I have some of the strangest nicknames for you, but I love them and they're perfect for you. I promise to not use them around your friends and embarrass you mercilessly... for now.

It's physically not possible for you to know how much I love you, dearest booboobunny. One day you'll know. One day you'll have children of your own and it'll hit you like a tonne of bricks just what it's like to love your child.

It's been so amazing to watch you grow into the young man that you're becoming. Your personality being molded by those around you. I'm sorry you seem to have picked up some of my worst traits (stubbornness, short fuse, temper etc) But you have some of the best parts of both your father and I too.

You're so sensitive and caring. You have the capacity to love instantly and passionately. And you always take care of me the way I take care of you.

I'm so sorry that I haven't been the best mommy of late. I'm sorry that I fell to my knees and sobbed in front of you. But sometimes, baby, sometimes everyone falls to pieces. And you need to know that there is no shame in that. Ever.

Don't be afraid to reach out, and let people in when you falter on your path. Let people love you as you love them. Let people wrap you in their warmth when you're feeling cold. People are worth it, even if you cry and hurt sometimes.

Learn from me, as I learned from my mother, about the weakness of the human spirit. We are all flawed, and the trick of life is to learn to roll with the punches and embrace our flaws. Only through keeping our eyes open, and driving ourselves forward will we ever be able to thrive.

I love you monkey. I love you more than anything in this world or the next. You are my precious angel and the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I cherish every moment I have with you, and you should know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I'd walk through broken burning glass to protect you.

I am always, and will always be in your corner.

Love you dearly,

~Mommy

In which Tryph writes her fourth letter of the week

2011-03-03T09:11:00.001-05:00

Dear TeX,

I don't understand you, and I don't think I ever will.

Eleven years ago this coming May, I met you and gave myself over to you, and you not only didn't WANT me but took for granted that I'd always hang around. The last 11 years of my life have been hell. This isn't to say that there haven't been any happy or good points at all, just that the overwhelming emotion I feel when I think about you and the last decade is pain, suffering and anger. Rage really.

When I was a kid and a teen, I was always afraid I had my fathers temper. He was a man who used to get drunk and beat my mother... and I was afraid that I had that same rage in me. I did a good job keeping it in check when it came to my interactions with other people for a very long time. And then came you. We both knew each others buttons and pushed them at every opportunity.

I spent so much time wanting to die. And so many times I made the decision to leave and never left. I suppose I can't blame you for not believing me when I told you I was leaving 10 months ago. I mean, we talked about it extensively, and the fact that even you conceded that it was different this time must have been some kind of indication... but you still continued to imagine I would stay.

And I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with YAE when I did. I probably should have waited until I left this godforasken house and never had to see you again, but I didn't. And I didn't because I felt our marriage was over a LONG LONG time ago. You had so many chances and opportunity to try and fix things with us, but you opted not to.

So I don't understand. I don't understand how after 11 years of hell for BOTH of us (neither of us have been happy the entire time we were together), after I fell heart over soul in love with another man, after I ask you to divorce me... that you still want to make things work. I can't fucking believe that you want us to go to therapy. It's kind of senseless.

What to you honestly expect from me?

I cared about you, deeply, until you kept pushing your love and your emotions on me. I warned you a number of times the last 5 months that if it kept up, you'd simply push me away. And this is what has happened.

I hate you, TeX. I hate you with every fiber of me. And soon, I will release that hate from myself and my heart and you will not matter. I wish things could have gone differently, that maybe we could have found a way to be friends. But selfish people end up lonely and alone.

I hope that one day you truly learn that lesson and find a way to really manage to put your own pain to the side and see through to the end of the road.

No matter how much it hurts, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... and you'll only get there by moving through the pain sometimes. Applying a tourniquet and forcing things back into their own box will only delay the inevitable.

I suppose I'm writing this because I hope you don't fuck up your relationship with your son the way you destroyed things with me. You keep going the way you are... and that is what you'll get.

Signed

~Tryph

In which tryph keeps writing letters

2011-03-02T08:41:00.004-05:00

My dearest sweetest darling love,

Yes, I'm writing to you YAE.

I got your email yesterday. It was as I was walking to work that it came in. I debated about whether or not I was going to open it or not.

You see, Monday night I cried myself to sleep, as I've been doing every night since I asked for a break... but yesterday morning, I woke up feeling remarkably OK. Not great, simply OK. I was beginning to embrace the idea that you and I weren't together anymore, that you weren't mine. And while it hurt like a son of a bitch and I still felt like I was dying, I was OK.

I knew I was going to make it through the day for the first time in ages.

And then you emailed me.

Fresh new waves of pain ripped through me, and I felt my knees buckle and I hyperventilated as I walked.

I closed my eyes gasped for breath, and clutched the phone to my chest as I continued to walk and debated my next steps. Do I read the mail, or not?

I made it all the way to my coffee shop before I finally opened it.

There you said you missed me, and that you loved me and you called me yours.

And I fucking broke.

I realized then that I wasn't really feeling okay. I was simply feeling numb.

As I waited for my coffee to be made, I wrapped myself in my cloak of numbness and thought about the many things I want to say to you. And there is so much that I want to, need to say to you....

And yet the words just don't seem to come.

I'm in love with you. Madly desperately in love with you. There is no other man in this world who would ever complete me the way that you do. No other person who makes me feel like you make me feel. No other... anything for me. Ever.

I know this with every part of my heart. I was thinking before that without you, I had lost a piece of my soul. But that's wrong. As long as I know where you are, I know where it is.

But things are wrong, so wrong. I'm broken and hurting and miserable.

I said way back when all this stuff started that I wasn't ready. You told me then that it was okay, and that you'd wait for me. I should have taken you up on that offer.

There is so much going on in my life right now that I probably should have backed off then.

But I didn't, because I'm an impatient fuckup who was terrified of losing you. you're the best thing to have happened to me since I met my little angel. I love you more than anyone but him. And I don't know what to do without you. I'm broken, and hurting and more miserable than ever without you in my life.

I don't know what to do.

I want nothing more than to be with you, to be yours, and you mine forever more. I live in constant awe of the depth of what I feel for you. And in sorrow for how much it hurts to know that it's broken, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that we should fix it.

I love you, YAE. And I don't want to call you YAE.... I want you to be the BBFE, or even BHE

But you're not. And possibly never will be again.

And I'm scared and hurting.

I'm writing this here, because I'm still putting my thoughts together about what to say to you, and I'm reasonably confident that you don't really read this blog often, so the likelihood of you reading this before I email you back is slim, but on the off chance you do and you have thoughts... it's okay if you email me first.

Just sayin'

but the hour draws late, and this little bunny must get her ass in gear if she wants to get to work on time....

I love you.

Forever yours,

Tryph

In which Tryph declares this letter writing week...

2011-03-01T08:38:00.002-05:00

Dearest Intarwebz...

I'm not sure where I would be without you.

Quite literally, all of the friends I have (internet based and real life) are all people I have come to know and love because of you.

And this blog, where I write my letters. I have this because I have the internet. I feel like I have more of a voice than ever before. And I sincerely do have the best of friends ever. From the few real lifers, to the TKC to the various other twitter peeps I've picked up on the way, I no longer know what I would do without them.

It's because of these people, these amazing few that I make it a point to carry you, dear internet, in my pocket where ever I go. It's because of these people that I know, as I enter a very dark period of my life, that I know I will find a way to persevere and move on with my life.

And I feel compelled to send a quick shout out to The Spiritual Hobo, a person who found my blog last week as I found my life slipping out of control. He's left a few comments for me since then... And it's began to help to put the pain in my life into perspective. Read the comment he left on my last blog post...

Anyhow, Thank you Intarwebz. Thank you for being there, and allowing me to find people who love me for me, and help pick me up when I fall.

Love always,

Tryph

In which Tryph writes another letter

2011-02-28T08:47:00.000-05:00

My Dearest Matthew...

I'm fairly certain that you're probably a little frustrated with me of late. And to be honest I am with myself as well.

I'm pretty sure I'm ruining my life.

I still live in this god forsaken house that I should have left ages ago. I didn't, foolishly, because I didn't want to lose the boychild. and even now that I know that I'll be losing the boychild... I'm trying to make the best of what little time I have left with him.

I'm still letting people who should not matter (and as of the end of this week no longer matter at all) bully me and push me into the kind of frame of mind where I make bad choices and terrible decisions. The kinds of decisions where I give up the second most special relationship I've formed in a very long time.

I'm going crazy Mojo. Literally insane. Since I broke up with BBFE (who shall herein be referred to as YAE {yet another ex}) I haven't been able to stop crying.

I know it's the right thing to do. I'm fucking nuts and making his life hell. I'm making my own life hell and probably should have put the breaks on the whole thing months ago before things got so out of hand.

But I didn't. You know me, I'm terribly impulsive at the best of times... and when I found the missing piece of my puzzle... there was no stopping me.

And now I've lost him. Likely forever.

All because I let a bully push and push until I broke.

Mojo, I just wish you were here. I don't know how to put the pieces of my life back together... and I feel entirely alone now.

I miss you so much.

Love always,

Tryph

in which the rock won

2011-02-25T09:11:00.002-05:00

In a fit of weakness and lack of sleep induced insanity... I did something foolish.

I let the rock win.

I wasn't sure how else to handle things. I knew that I was falling apart, I knew that I didn't like who I was becoming. I knew that I didn't like how I was treating the people I loved...

The next 65 days (until May 1) are going to be tough. I'm going to be depressed, angry and hurting. A LOT.

So I apologize in advance for the next two months.

In which tryph finds herself stuck

2011-02-24T12:55:00.003-05:00

I find myself caught between a rock and an even harder rock.

It's only temporary really as one of the rocks will be falling away in a few months time... But at present it's very hard.

The other rock you ask?

My own insanity and neurosis.

Some of my actions drive TeX crazy. And I understand why. I do not fault him for hurting or getting upset. It is just how it is and I know very well the place he is finding himself. As a result of this, I directly altered my actions in an attempt to make both of us happy and to perhaps find some peace about it.

It didn't work.

I now find myself in the strained position of figuring out how to keep him from freaking the fuck out (which is having a negative effect on The BC) and keeping myself from slipping into a depressed state that will make me drive the people I love away from me.

Honestly I'd like to be able to say 'fuck him' but I just can't. For a lot of reasons.

So here I sit, between a rock and an even harder rock.

In which Tryph talks about her Mother

2011-02-23T10:36:00.003-05:00

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly, and think she did the best she could with what she had, but... I don't have a lot of respect for her at times.

She's catty, gossipy, judgmental and has never been there for me when I needed her. I tried to kill myself, she grounded me. I ran away from home because my step father tried to kill me/slammed the door on my arm/threw things at me/tried to break a door down to beat me... she put me in therapy. My uncle molested me, she took him to court, he plead guilty and she kept sleeping with him and didn't remove him from our home.

So yeah, my mom and I aren't what you would call close.

I don't call her... granted I don't call anyone. I rarely email her... or just straight up chat. The way I see it is we're not 'friends' she's my mother and I don't tell her things that I don't want the world to know yet.

Which was the case with the decision to end my marriage and the subsequent act of moving on. I didn't tell her SQUAT because.. well why would I? We don't have that kind of relationship... AND the last time I told her I was leaving, she told me that I was lucky to have a guy who'd take care of me, no matter how unhappy I was.

But... it all came out after Christmas. TeX told his parents which meant I told mine. It was a 2 minute conversation and that was it.

Since then, she's been stalking my failbook profile to find out details about BBFE, and she found his name in my stocking photos. See, and I'm not complaining at all (honestly I find it kind of amusing), people who know BBFE and I have commented on some of the photos using his name. Well, she found him.

Anyhow, yesterday she started grilling me about WTF was going on. She straight up told me that we could talk, and mused about why we don't. I simply shrugged and told her that we just don't have that kind of relationship.

She said that makes her very sad, that she wishes that we did talk more.

I'm not sure I know how. I have a LOT of trust issues, mostly stemming from her behavior when I was a child. She's my mom and I feel like I should give her the chance to be my 'friend'. But she was the first in a long line of people who walked all over me.

In which Tryph gets away with A LOT

2011-02-15T11:35:00.000-05:00

So... I'm wondering if I could get away with murder.

I sincerely think I might be able to sometimes.

Okay, maybe not actual MURDER, but I know I get away with a lot. More than most people do I think. In the workplace that is.

Last October I got promoted at work. I loved my job, but things started to shift and the pressure started to get to me. Lumped with all the 'real life' stuff I was dealing with (and still am really) I ended up telling them all to Die In A Fire and walked out.

They then offered me my old role, which I didn't accept within the time frame the told me I had to accept it.

I then called in sick for a week straight before going back.

And now I've been back for 3 weeks... and they want, nay expect, me to start training people this week. So much so that they've already discussed it with the new director, who I imagine will be my direct boss who in turn mentioned it to me.

So yeah... I'm pretty sure that's not the normal way things work in the workplace... but it seems to be working for me. Lets see if I don't go psycho again.

(boring post is boring, I know. But I'm tired, grumpy and woke up from the worst dream possible... so yeah... I don't have much else to write about)

In which Tryph Rants a little bit

2011-02-14T11:18:00.003-05:00

What is a soapbox without a bit of ranting now and again?

so today is Valentines day.

You'd think I'd be all gaga about it, being in love and stuff... but clearly, I am not that kind of girl.

I've always been of the mind that Valentines day is a bit of horseshit.

Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of celebrating love, and sharing it with the world. I love the idea of showering your loved ones with gifts and trinkets. And even this jaded girl who isn't much for flowers, knows that everybody (male or female) likes to get flowers now and again...

I just hate the fact that HallMark decided that February 14 is the day that you HAVE to do it.

I've always been of the mind that people should celebrate their love 24/7/365. They should buy flowers when the feeling moves them to. They should shout "I Love You" from the roof tops any day of the week.

I'm in love every single day of the week. Not just today. So while I don't fault anyone for celebrating it themselves... I really won't be into the spirit of it all myself.

(though it's important to note that I wasn't above sending a text to BBFE at midnight securing him as my valentine... A girl has to cover all her bases)

In which Tryph picks her last daisy

2011-02-11T08:58:00.002-05:00

Time ebbs, flows and things always change. Sometimes things that once seemed so perfect in spite of their flaws, suddenly just seem flawed.

When I was a child I, like many other girls my age, would maliciously attack innocent daisies on a near daily basis. I'd pick them and pull the petals off one by one while chanting "he loves me" and "he loves me not" as each petal fell into the wind.

To me, it didn't matter if I had a crush on anyone or not (although as a girl I often had crushes on boys). The "he" in question was always a nameless faceless prince; a far away idea of someone to love me.

Even as a child I didn't have a lot of self worth, love for myself or people who cared about me around to help nurture and foster my development into a strong and confident young woman. So when it came to these daisies, each and every time the last petal would fall on a "he loves me not" I'd always go off in search of another daisy to attack. I'd keep picking and plucking petals until it fell on "he loves me".

I felt the need to hold onto the hope that someone, somewhere could love me with all their heart. Because maybe then, I'd figure out how to love myself.

I find myself as an adult still picking daisies. I don't pick them with the same obsessive ferocity that I once did, but I pick them all the same. In many ways I carry with me the things from my childhood; Habits, ideas, but mostly the scars.

Scars from a mother who put herself first and never saw me for who I am. An uncle who took my innocence and showed me the dark side of humanity. A step father who resented me and wanted me to die. And a girl, myself, who always kept her guard up and was a very lonely loner.

Scars that haunt me daily.

Anyhow...

I stand here now with one last daisy in my hand. Still pulling petals and dreaming of my prince. He has a face now, and a name. And I know he loves me, but I know I'm flawed. When the final petal inevitably falls on "he loves me not" I know now that it doesn't mean that HE doesn't love me... it means I don't love me. And until I do...

Well lets just say that this is my last daisy.

In which tryph knows what her constant is

2011-02-10T09:11:00.003-05:00

Weeks like this one, I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to do it.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I can, or if there is even a point to it anymore.

When I made the decision to leave, I knew I'd be moving. In moving, I knew that BC wouldn't be coming with me. It would be unfair to him to move him from a school that he is thriving in. It would be unfair to him to take him from familiar surroundings when he has to deal with a very tough transition. I'm already being terribly unfair to him... I decided I couldn't be even more unfair than that.

And my hours at work make it pretty impossible for me to be there for him after school, or for dinner, or to put him in bed. Hell, as it is I hardly see him now. I honestly thought that while it would be hellishly hard, that I would be able to roll with it.

Then yesterday morning, I'm at the lowest I've been in a while. It was a morning after a night of broken hearted sobbing, and not a lot of sleep. I woke up shaking and empty, not sure of anything at all. As I lay there in bed pondering what to do and fighting fresh waves of tears... I hear him start to stir in his room.

Within a minute he's scurried from his bed into mine to snuggle up to me for an extra few minutes of rest and relaxation before we face the day.

I lay there now watching his sleepy relaxed face. The steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. His perfect shaggy sleep tousled hair. He blinks open his eyes, looks at me and tells me he loves me and rolls over and snuggles closer to me.

In that moment I know I'll be okay. That no matter what life throws at me, no matter how much my heart hurts and is broken... I'll be okay. I'll be okay because of, and for him.

And it makes me wonder how I can do this, face the world without the only constant I've ever had.

How can I live apart from him?

In which Tryph writes a letter

2011-02-09T08:44:00.003-05:00

Dear City of Helland and various assholes who don't shovel their sidewalk,

I know it's winter time in this city, and that walking through snow is sometimes par for the course, but I need to tell you that yesterday was just insane.

It has been a week since the last major snow fall. A WEEK. And yet, the sidewalks are still a giant mess. It took me an extra 10 minutes to get to my bus stop yesterday, and even with my reduced pace of walking I still twisted my ankles several times.

People, I know that most of this world is drivers and that generally the people who walk these side walks are children (who are likely going to walk where the snow is the heaviest and deepest anyhow simply because they're kids) but the sidewalks ARE still in need of shoveling.

Seriously people, it takes an extra 5 maybe 10 minutes in most cases, but it makes a world of difference to the people who have to walk it.

sincerely,

Tryph

In which Tryph considers cheating

2011-02-08T10:39:00.002-05:00

You all know that last October I stopped eating meat. I still eat things like fish and seafood so I'm not a vegetarian, but I am a pescatarian.

Anyhow... I took stock of the food that I ate this last week and started to wonder if I'm cheating myself.

You see, I live with 2 meat eaters, and more often than not I'm very involved in the making of dinner (the few days of the week I'm home). This tends to result in me making something very similar for myself.

For example:

Sunday morning we had breakfast. The boys had bacon, sausage, eggs and hash browns. I on the other hand had hash browns, eggs and veggie breakfast links.

Or

A few weeks ago I made shepherds pie for the boys and 'nerf herder' pie for myself. The only real difference is that I gave them real beef and beef gravy, and I used veggie ground round and a white gravy for mine. (It was super tasty by the by)

And it got me thinking. I keep eating these fake meat products... am I cheating myself at this pescatarian thing?

What are your thoughts veggie people?

In Which Tryph attempts to find balance in chaos

2011-02-07T11:33:00.002-05:00

Sometimes my life moves too fast even for me to keep up with it.

This, faithful readers, is one of those times.

Between quitting my job, and going back in another capacity; leaving the ex and the family fallout and drama it's creating; apartment hunting and knowing that it'll be May before I can actually move; anxiety and being medicated for the first time in my life; and my normal, general psychosis and neurosis.

I'm happier and healthier than I have been in a very long time... but that doesn't stand or shit when I'm as manic as I am.

The sad days are fewer and further between now... and I can pretty well always tie it to my personal 'cycle'; but when they hit, they're epic terrible.

There was a time in the not so distant past that I liked who I was becoming.

I'm not so sure anymore.

I feel like I've stopped moving forward. I feel like life has crashed into me, knocked me down and kept going. I suppose it's better that I'm not feeling swept away... but I don't feel like I'm moving forward anymore. It feels like I've stopped, and I find myself questioning if it's worth it.

I kept pushing myself because I was looking for my happy, because I was trying to be whole. And now, I'm happy, but I'm clearly not whole.

In which Tryph is still a terrible blogger

2011-01-26T12:46:00.002-05:00

I know I said I was going to be blogging more, and haven't. My deepest apologies. I'm sure you can imagine it's been quite a week.

There have been panic attacks, fights with the amazing BBFE, decisions about whether or not to go back to work and if I could handle it, new medication, and apartment hunting. All while stressing over whether or not I HAVE until March 1 to move, and if I'll have any stuff (i.e. furniture) when the time comes.

Regular updates are coming. Hopefully this week.

In which Tryph has been MIA

2011-01-21T14:06:00.004-05:00

Last night and this morning/afternoon I've found myself in a bit of an upset and frustrated state.

You see, yesterday someone said something to me that left me feeling as if they didn't care, as if they didn't want to hear about it. And I attempted to state my feelings (i.e. 'your comments make me feel like...') it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

I attempted a second time to state what I was feeling and why, and again, crickets were my only response.

Anyhow, it got me thinking that generally the only wrong thing to say is nothing at all.

Which got me thinking about more than last night's situation. It got me thinking about this blog, and quite possibly why I've gone off the rails the way I have of late. I stopped blogging. I stopped venting and voicing what was going on, and letting my fears and anxiety out into the world. I turned the valve off, and as such, I've got to get a prescription for anti anxiety meds filled and I've turned into a self destructive mess.

It's wrong for me to keep things bottled up. I used to think I was strong, way back in the day. When I'd hold it all in, and I wouldn't outwardly fall apart. The days when I was cold, and angry and hurting all the time. The days before Mojo found me and lifted me up. The days before I scrapped the ashes of a failed marriage off me. The days before....

My heart is heavy and it hurts and I'm anxious. ALL THE TIME.

It's like my eyes are open for the first time in a long long time. I'm seeing that I need purpose, and love, and that sometimes this goddamned world is going to hurt. Sometimes I'm not going to be able to weather the storm on my own. Sometimes I'm going to need help.

So friends, faithful readers (those I have left) Get ready for regular posting again. And to find out what's been going on in Tryphville for the last month or so.

In which Tryph considers family

2010-12-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

The phrase blood is thicker than water has always bothered me.

Now, this could have something to do with the fact that the term 'dysfunctional' doesn't even begin to cover my family, but either way, the idea that family is simply defined by 'blood' was always an upsetting concept.

You see, to me the closest people I have aren't related to me by blood. The people I love and trust are all people who I've never even met, or are in no way blood related to me. My best friends and sisters are far flung. People I give the love and respect due parents are kilometers away.

What makes me consider this point today... well... I'll tell you.

A comment was made to me that family is a mother, a father and a child. That this little unit is all that matters and needs to
Be maintained at any and all costs.

And I think to myself for a second.

Yes, family is the all important thing. My relationship with the boychild is paramount. Not just because of blood, but because he owns a piece of my heart and soul. His father on the otherhand... For reasons I will not get into here, lost the right to call himself MY family (although I acknowledge that he and my son are still a family unit unto themselves) 3.5 years ago.

Shouldn't it take more than copulation and procreation to make people family? Is it more or less than blood relations? Tell me... what is family to you?

In which Tryph gets the wrong picture

2010-12-23T09:41:00.001-05:00

I tried to catch up with this guy I saw on the street this morning... He embodied my mood completely and was dancing in the streets.

Now in this town, it generally means they're drunk or on something but I didn't care.

Since I was too slow... You get to see the place I used to get lunch.

This place has the best chili fries I've ever had. Also the best poutine in town. That isn't to say it's good poutine, just better than the rest.

I don't eat there much anymore.... But greasy after drinking food isn't so much my style these days.

In which Tryph hates her phone...

2010-12-21T09:40:00.001-05:00

I had a big post about stuff... And I don't have time to rewrite it before work.

So this parking lot used to get covered by a giant tent and bands would play there during our autumn festival.

It was epic and I miss it.

In which Tryph relaxes

2010-12-17T09:35:00.001-05:00

Most every morning I get my first coffee at my local coffee shop. Think Starbucks only less pretentious. Tho I do love me a good coffee.

Anyhow... More often than not between the 915 and 945 you can find me here. Chatting, blogging and enjoying music.

Currently I'm listening to Florence + the machine.

In which Tryph shows you the cold past

2010-12-16T09:22:00.000-05:00

When I was young and foolish we used to drink and walk drunkenly to this park and play at the small hours.

The ground was that squishy bouncy stuff that's designed to keep kids from hurting themselves. It used to amuse the heck out of us.

In which Tryph eats lunch

2010-12-15T13:50:00.001-05:00

Today you get to see my lunch.

Yes that is red velvet.

In which Tryph starts this...

2010-12-14T09:46:00.001-05:00

I figured that a good place to start this would be with some memory lane tripping....

This picture is of the door to an apartment that I once spent a lot of time in. In the last decade the colour of the door has changed, but I'll bet the apartments are still the same... With a leaky roof, carpets that smell like rotting pumpkin.

I'll bet the pool isn't in the dining room anymore though....

In which Tryph considers a new format

2010-12-09T07:35:00.002-05:00

I kind of hate not updating this, especially after I had been so consistent for so long. And lately, with my normal sleeping, my lack of time spent on the internet (although I could bring the netbook with me to the coffee shop in the morning and blog there...)

Anyhow, I was thinking that I'd do a photo of the day thing. What are your thoughts on that? I just wanna keep the blog rolling for another few years.

in which tryph finally gets around to this

2010-12-08T07:02:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry guys... I kind of suck at the blogging lately. Happiness begats a normal sleeping schedule and less to rant about.

That said, there are things that I've got to post, and I've gotten "approval" to do so. This is something that involves someone else, so I kind of needed to vet my decision to blog about it with them.

Anyhow... I'll spare you the details... Most who want to know already know, but those who don't and want to, feel free to contact me directly.

Ten and a half years ago I was ago I had just turned 19 and was in love. I was also a very messed up young woman who didn't love or respect herself.

Anyhow, I met a man, got pregnant, got married and proceeded to spend the next decade hurting and angry. This is where I'll spare the deets... I'll just say we were both desperately unhappy.

We stayed in this cycle of anger, resentment and control for a lot of years. We both did some pretty awful things to one another in the last decade, and while I don't agree with any of it; I know now where it came from.

Anyhow... The long and the short of it is that after 10 years of fighting, I decided to end my marriage.

This all happened last May.

Now on paper I'm still married. I also still cohabitate the same house with... well I suppose for the time being I can still call him the manthing. And we haven't told our families. We're holding off on that until, well until we make things official. In short, our families are prone to advice and while they think they're wanting the best for us, all they really have is their own preconceived notions and have a habit of not thinking about what we want or need.

The manthing and I have both come to the understanding that things are through. That our relationship was unhealthy at best, and starting over from scratch is the only rational solution. We skipped over being friends ten and a half years ago, and we're not going to skip it now. We have a child together and it's important that we can be on the same page.

And it's funny, for the first time in a decade, we actually LIKE each other. We're enjoying talking to each other. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

So yeah, Tryph's marriage has unofficially been over since last May.

In which life moves fast in tryphville

2010-11-30T08:38:00.002-05:00

So I've been busy. So busy that I've not only neglected the blog, bit I gave up on writing my nano novel. I will come back to the novel later and I'm already working on ressurcting the blog.

Anyhow, life moves fast.

I took a job in a call center 4 months ago knowing full well that I'd be moving into a QA role once there were enough people to QA. Last month I moved into that role. And since then my hours have changed, my pay scale has changed and being salaried is imminent.

On the life front... I'm still keeping quiet, but I have to tell you, it's nightmare hard to not tell you all the wonderful things in my life.

I'm happier than I have ever been. I smile all the time, I giggle and I cry happy tears. I've got so much joy that I think I might burst. And I promise I'll tell you all... Soon I think. Or at least sooner rather than later. In the meantime just know that I'm the happiest bunny ever.

So that's that.

Less than three ya all!

In which Tryph goes local

2010-11-29T09:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the hiatus... things at work are changing... good changes, but changes all the same. New schedule is going to take some getting used to...

Anyhow...

I'm going to share with you a few of the local bands that I've come to love.

The first... a singer that I kind of adore, even if he is a bit of a twat. What a person is like in their personal life has little bearing on their art...

City and Colour - Save your Scissors (for note I love watching this video... it makes me giggle to know where all the places he goes are...)

Next up, another band that's closely related to this one...

Alexis on Fire - This could be anywhere in the world (Now alexis took me a bit to finally get behind. I kind of hated them at first, but I finally came to love them)

And this bad is from the town I currently reside in...

Attack in Black - Young Leaves (I'm not sure I agree with wikipedia when they call this post hardcore...)

This one isn't terribly local, but I feel compelled to include a few bands that come from a ways up the road from me... they're still Southern Ontario people, but just not on my door step.

first up...

Magneta lane - Wild Gardens (this song has been running through my head all day and is the reason I'm doing a post about local musics)

Then there's a guy who disappoints me. This song is SO good... but his other stuff kind of falls flat...

Ko - Capable

and I'll close on a band I know I've included before... but this song is so very special right now that it has to be included when I'm talking about songs from local-ish artists...

In which tryph.. a week tryph... REALLY?

2010-11-25T08:58:00.000-05:00

Sorry... busy week at work... and in life. I promise you'll have SOMETHING tomorrow.

Hopefully life settles down soon.

loves you

In which Tryph puts out the hat...

2010-11-19T08:14:00.004-05:00

So I've been talking about having a big DO for my 3oth (well it won't just be my party, my dear MAP will be celebrating as well)

Anyhow, the idea for my birthday is that there are going to be fancy dresses, and tea and a bouncy castle. All epic fun stuff for someone turning 30.

And so we have the outfit I'm putting together. A Tiara, a dress and an epic necklace. The dress I haven't settled on, but I'm pretty sure I've found the tiara and the necklace I plan to wear to my party. Here's the problem. Together they're just shy of $500 (Canadian) dollars.

That my friends, just won't happen on my budget. There are a few things that I plan to do in the next year, and sadly I just can't do them all, all things considered. So, here's where you come in faithful readers.

You have to know that I really hate the idea of doing this, but when you see the necklace and the tiara, you'll understand WHY I'm doing this.

I put a donate button on my page. Now I'm not asking for straight up donoations. You give me money, I'll give you something in return. Likely a print of one of my photos, you can either choose something I've already taken or I'll take one just for you.

So yeah... here's the stuff I wanna get...

Tiara can be found here

I showed this to one of my coworkers and she asked me 'did you know that there was a tiara out there that was MADE FOR YOU?' and I laughed, but I think she may be right. This tiara HAS to be mine.

And then the necklace...

Necklace can be purchased by clicking here

So umm... yeah... if you wanted to help a girl have an epic 30th birthday (which incidentally will also be something of a kick off party for my new life) and get a piece of art in return... feel free to click the donate button on the side there.

Less than three ya all faithful readers

In which Tryph will not be bullied

2010-11-17T09:08:00.002-05:00

Most of my life I've been a victim.

And for the most part, I've allowed it to happen. Whether it be because I felt like I deserved it, or my own actions, I spent a lot of time living as a victim.

Then something snapped and I decided that this wasn't how I was going to live my life. It wasn't living, it was barely existing, and it wasn't enough. So Tryph found herself, her voice and started to move forward as a stronger, healthier bunny.

This last month has a been a huge test to this strength. And I have to tell you, I wavered once last week. I was ready to throw the towel in and go back to what I used to be. I barely manged to pull through by the skin of my teeth, but I did. And the conversations that have been pushing my limits have been conversations I've MOSTLY been able to let roll off my back.

Yesterday though, I absofuckinglutely snapped.

Enough was finally enough.

Insecure selfish bitches beware, I will not put up with your shit anymore. I can, and will dish it out twice as hard as you give it to me. And if you doubt it, just wait, you'll see. I'm tired of this shit, I'm tired of these games.

I will not be bullied and I will not back down. You messed with the wrong bunny.

In Which Tryph Sleeps in the bed she made...

2010-11-16T08:36:00.002-05:00

We all make our choices, and we all have to live with the repercussions of our actions and the decisions leading to them.

I made a LOT of choices over the years, especially in the last 6 months. And I'm living with them. some of them hurt, some of them don't. Most of them freed me in ways I can't even begin to express.

In the last 10 years I've made a lot of decisions that I am not proud of. They helped create the perfect storm that I currently find myself in. And while I'd LOVE to blame others for my actions, i can't. Sure I might not have made the same choices if things were different, but at the end of the day I made my own choices. I need to deal with the fallout from my actions. And I've always been prepared to.

I can't stand it when others won't accept that their actions caused a ripple effect. Especially when it's an effect they don't like. All I want to say is own up and grow the fuck up.

And I'm going to stop here because anything else I write is just going to be a circular rant where I say too much.

In which Tryph finds her voice again

2010-11-15T10:09:00.002-05:00

I've been singing a lot lately. And dancing. I can't stop smiling most of the time. This isn't to say things are all peachy in Tryphville. My extreme happy is tempered by extreme anxiety at times, and saddness and fear.

Anyhow, I'll give you a random assortment of music that I've sung at the top of my lungs lately

There are more, but I'm remotely fixing a computer, have to do my laundry and still need to shower and dress for work. Busy Tryph is busy!

In which Tryph wants to know...

2010-11-12T08:32:00.000-05:00

Could you watch someone you once cared about deeply tear themselves apart?

Someone you're always going to be connected to, no matter what. Someone who's demise will bring entire worlds down. Someone who's pain resonates more than they are aware.

Ugh, this is one of those situations where I feel like I'm going mad. I know what I *should* do. Which directly conflicts with what I reasonably *can* do.

I was challenged earlier this week regarding why I haven't put the details of my current drama online. Simply put, things are unresolved as of now, and I hadn't wanted to talk about it until everything was said and done. This is still my stance on this subject.

I have a habit of being a tad wishywashy on things like this. I've started down this path several times in the past, but never followed it through. Granted I didn't have the same emotional clarity, strength, friends, or motivation before.

the events of the last week... well they've brought me to a place where I worry that I'm simply being a selfish bitch. Where I worry if I'm simply choosing ME over everyone else.

I've got to figure out how to snap the fuck out of this. I can't keep dishonoring Mojo like this. He'd kick my ass if he could.

(sorry... I've been dealing with this shit this week so I haven't been writing at ALL)

In which Tryph has slutty stockings

2010-11-05T09:19:00.003-04:00

Honestly, I don't have many pairs that I'd classify as SLUTTY.

I have a couple pairs of fishnets, and have designs on getting a proper garter belt, but beyond that, most of my stockings are fairly vanilla. But I started what began as a joke and seems to have spiraled into project.

At least until I run out of socks and stockings, I'll be taking pictures of the things that cover my legs. (or in the cases when I put things that would normally cover my legs on my arms, I'll take pix of those... this happens fairly often to be honest)

So yeah... that's where I'm at. Anyone who wants to send me slutty stockings, legwarmers, or socks feel free. I'll keep this going as long as I can.

And they mayhem can be found on failbook... by following THIS LINK

In which Tryph tweets to her 16 year old self

2010-11-04T11:52:00.004-04:00

I am not immune to internet memes. And a lot of the twitter ones I embrace, because they're short sweet and to the point. I mean how off topic can you get in 140 characters or less?

Anyhow, the meme of the day is #tweetyour16yearoldself and I of course took part. My tweet was one I put very little thought into... but damn was it on target.

There are a lot of things I could have said. About my mom, about school, about the manthing, about the boy I loved. So many things... but the thing I wish more than anything that someone had said to me when I was 16 is that.

Because I never felt excellent. I had very little self worth, for a lot of reasons. I grew up doubting who I was and what I wanted simply because I figured I had it all wrong. That I was wrong.

It wasn't all bad though. At the end of the day someone did finally say this to me, and I finally saw the light. So I say this to all of you now. Never compromise yourself or what you want for anyone or anything. You, faithful readers, are excellent.

And thank you Matthew Mojo... for finally showing me the light. I still love you.

In which Tryph makes a decision

2010-11-03T08:24:00.000-04:00

A year ago I made a life changing decision.

It had been one of those things that I had been debating and going back and forth on for the 2-3 years previous. But year ago I made this decision, and decided to sit on it for a year. Once the year was up, I would act. It's one of those choices of a physical nature, sort of a 'no turning back' thing.

And here I am, almost a year later, and as much as I hate the idea... I'm still committed to the decision I made.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I don't quite feel like I was given a choice in this matter. And don't get me wrong, I think I'm better off that things have gone down this way, because the alternative (getting my way) is likely worse than NOT getting my way.

My brain knows that the added layer of complication that getting my way in this matter would have brought is... well complicated. Would it have been worth it, YES. But some choices can't be made on your own... so you do what you have to do and you move forward.

I guess in part, the reason I hate this decision so much is that it extinguishes a hope I've had for a long time. A hope I swore I'd never let go of. I hate the idea of letting go of hope, but when something just isn't going to happen... maybe it's time to let go?

And now... to make the phone call to get the ball rolling on this. Maybe tomorrow... ;)

In which Tryph drinks

2010-11-02T09:37:00.002-04:00

I haven't covered this in my lifestory just yet, but my mother is an alcoholic.

She still is now, although she doesn't drink like she used to. Meaning she still drinks, but isn't out of control. Though that's just an observation I can make from outside, seeing as how I don't live with her anymore. It's easier to hide it.

Anyhow, I turned to the manthing the other night and commented that I've drank more in the last 3 months than I have in the 3 years leading up to it put together.

The manthing simply laughed and said "you've been happy"

And he didn't mean that I've seemed happier because I've been drinking, he meant that I have been happier on the whole. And in all honesty, there has only been one time I've truly been miserable in the last while... and that was in August, and I'll admit, I drank WAY too much that day. But I don't think anyone blames me for that.

So, while thinking about my happiness quotient, and my increase in drinking I realized there was a clear correlation.

See, with my mom being an alcoholic. And my father being an alcoholic drug user, I've always been VERY careful with my own drinking. I'm not saying I've never drank too much and did something stupid, because that'd be a flat out lie, but I'm saying that I've been careful to not make a habit of drinking while depressed.

I always related my mothers alcoholism with her own battle with depression and the shitty hand life dealt her. As such, I always made it a point to not drink alone, and not drink and cry. No tears in my beers thank you very much.

So, back to the happy.

I'm feeling this strange sense of chaotic balance, if that makes sense to anyone. There isn't quite peace, but there's progress, and a light at the end of the tunnel and a hand waiting to guide me the rest of the way.

I feel loved, secure, happy and blessed to be alive. I feel joy, and hope.

So I guess I've been a little more free with drinking, since I'm not fearful of becoming the monster I've seen people become when they hit the bottle too hard without a clear mind.

In which Tryph slacks on music again

2010-11-01T09:21:00.002-04:00

So yeah... the blog is going to take a hit this month. I promise I'll keep it up as much as I can, but I'm not going to stress about it when I start missing days.

I'm doing NaNoWriMo.... so yeah... busy Tryph will be busy.

Anyhow, you get another 'Tryph puts Cherry on Shuffle and you get what you get' post. Which is still fun, I think.

First up, Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton - The Last Page

And then to Bowie - Sound and Vision

For song three - Sarah McLachlan - Hold on

four brings us to Hooverphonic - One

And song five... The Shins - Sleeping Lessons

In which Tryph talks Hallowe'en fashion

2010-10-30T10:18:00.002-04:00

So yeah, I'm a day late for this one, and two days for the one that's just not going to get written. But I figure my faithful readers will forgive me when I tell them that I've actually been sleeping lately, and that doesn't happen often.

ANYHOW... Halloween* fashion.

I thought about ranting about people dressing 'goth' for Halloween, but then I really thought about it. People dress as doctors and nurses and other real life figures that aren't REALLY costumes. So I can't really bitch if someone calls goth a costume, I guess.

And yesterday at work, since it was my last work day before the holiday, I decided I'd dress up a little. Knowing that no one else in the office had decided to dress up at all, I figured I'd keep my costume 'light' and simply wear my devil horns.

also, I opted to pull a few things out of my closet that never get worn to work.

I wish I'd gotten a pic or two, because damn, I was TOTALLY that sexy nerd girl!

Anyhow, todays rant involves slutty Halloween costumes. Now I get it, Halloween is a time where you get to dress up as something you normally wouldn't dress as. But I just don't get the idea of wearing lingerie and calling it a costume. And really, that's what all of it is.

Maybe it's just because I have too much self respect to dress like a slut, but tell me, why do so many women go that route?

in which tryph drinks the koolaid

2010-10-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

I'm not anti Apple products.

But, they've never suited my lifestyle. I mean, I'm a gamer, and Mac's are shit for gaming.

And for music, I always preferred Miss Zennie to take care of my music needs.

I had entertained the idea of getting an Air at one point, but that was quickly kiboshed, by the pricetag.

I mean really, the way I see it, sure a Mac is far more stable... but is it really worth paying twice as much as the hardware is worth? Not in my opinion, unless you have a REASON to get one.

Anyhow... the debate waged about the phone I was going to get for myself. Realistically, I had wanted to get the Droid2, which had everything on my wishlist of phone features (touch screen, full keyboard, and a high(ish) resolution camera with a flash)

Now this phone is not yet available in Canada, but I was prepared to patiently wait until December to get myself a new phone. As much as I loved Frankie, he was a dinosaur, and needed to be replaced.

then something happened that ALWAYS happens.

the manthing washed his phone, and it died a miserable death. Granted it WAS my old phone before Frankie. I got frankie because he washed the phone before that... see the trend?

Anyhow, he washed the phone and I had to move my timeline up... So... I got the iPhone 4. It had 2 out of 3 of the things I wanted... and the camera on the phone can't be beat. My favorite photographer even does workshops on shooting with the iphone...

*sigh*

So I drank the apple koolaid, and I've got an iPhone4. My first ever apple product.

In which Tryph experiences fear and loathing in the workplace

2010-10-26T10:45:00.002-04:00

Oh and add this to the list of movies that I need to see. Fear and Loathing. Just sayin'.

So I've been at my workplace for just over 3 months now (out of my probationary period, YAAY!!) and well on my way to getting into the inner circle with my 2 bosses and the psuedo boss (he's a director of business development, but not really a direct report).

But there are troubles in paradise. Not for ME, really, but for a few of the others.

See, we let 2 people go last week.

Now, for the enlightened employee, it's not a big deal. These two weren't preforming, and had been coached a lot and didn't seem to be doing anything differently. One actually, had a habit of coming into work and laying in their chair all day every day half asleep. they actually PASSED out at a staff meeting.

Anyhow, these two got let go, and they immediately hired 2 more people to replace the attrition. Now, this SHOULD tell you that they're not looking to downsize. It SHOULD tell you that they're simply cutting their losses and felt it was better to start off fresh. And from a personal stand point, it's hard to take. It's hard to miss people you've gotten to know. But from a business stand point, I felt they took way too damned long to get rid of those two.

There are other things too, things that I listen to them rant about regarding coaching, and stuff... and it's getting harder and harder. It's so juvenile at points, and really shouldn't be. Seriously people, just apply your coaching, ask questions, and do your damned job.

I tell them "trust me" because I'm not the top performer, and yet I've made it passed my 3 months. But you know paranoia, and how it spreads.

This is miss Tryph, smiling and nodding while trying to hold her tongue.

In which Tryph has a dirty little secret...

2010-10-25T11:45:00.002-04:00

Several actually.

But today I'm just going to tell you about the music ones.

I got into a conversation at work the other day with a chap I call NerdBoy.

It all started when I confessed that I was singing a song to myself by a band that I consider one of my dirty little secrets. Something Corporate.

The song I WAS listening to is Konstantine. I opted to not embed it because it's hella long, but it's my FAV song by them EVER.

NerdBoy commented this his girlfriend LOVES the band and I laughed and said it was clear she had no taste. I mean really, that band is AWFUL. Their lyrics are pretty terrible, the music is contrived and the singing.... don't get me STARTED on how ALL terrible little emo bands sing through their noses. It's PAINFUL to listen to.

And yet, I keep listening. Thus, Something Corporate is a dirty little secret.

Next up is Lady Gaga.

I can't help this one. I think even a pretty cut and dried rock/metal girl has to have a bit of bubblegum flavor from time to time, don't you?

When I'm feeling down, depressed, or just generally doing chores, I crank the gaga and dance like an idiot. No really, try it sometime. I know that by the end of a fit of Gaga I'm feeling light and happy.

I love that song, mainly for the lyric 'Watch your heart when we're together, boys like you love me forever'. There's a story to that lyric. I'll tell you another time.

Next up, and quite possibly last because time is running out for me, is Gwen Stefani.

Now I'm NOT talking No Doubt here. I'm talking about her solo stuff that is really really quite awful, from the music, to the lyrics. And yet, the bubble gum seeped into my skin and wouldn't go away.

A friend once had a personalized ring tone for me. Every time I called it'd sing out "this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S"

And there you have a few of my musical secrets.

For note, when NerdBoy confessed his dirty little secrets, he was again trying to impress me I think. He first said "punk rock" to which I said wasn't dirty or a secret (unless it's BAD punk rock) and then followed it up with Mozart. Who says that listening to Mozart is a dirty little secret?

in which Tryph talks sexy tech

2010-10-22T09:17:00.003-04:00

So Faithful Readers, you know me and my aversion to being like anyone else.

It's not so much that I want to stand out in a crowd, it's more that I just want to be ME. Years and years were wasted on being afraid that I was too different from everyone else. I remember being 8, and having this dress that I LOVED and wanted to wear to school but never ever did because I was afraid I'd get made fun of.

Anyhow, if I felt comfortable dressing like everyone else, it'd be one thing, but I don't feel like ME.

So... I haven't talked about it much on the blog yet, but I got an iPhone a few weeks back and I rather love her. I've named her Cherry for a few reasons. If you ask me nicely I'll tell you, but I'd love to hear your guesses :D

One of the first things I did after getting her, was find a case to protect her. I'm rather protective of my tech. I rather love my devices like they were children. Not as much AS my actual child... but you get the point.

And I was met with... not quite failure... but I couldn't find a case that I liked. Nothing was quite ME enough for me to want.

I blame Kyle Cassidy for my desire to have an entirely original case for my iPhone. something as completely unique as I am. You see, he has the COOLEST case ever. (seen here) It's just so perfectly Kyle that I don't think anyone else could have a case EXACTLY like that. Anyhow, I want a super original awesome case.

And I wasn't able to find what I was looking for. So I wound up getting the pinkish/purplish case featured in that photo... it's unique enough... for now. I really just wish I had an epic phone case that people wanted to beat me up over.

*grin*

In which Tryph... well... can't say much

2010-10-21T11:23:00.002-04:00

There is a LOT going on on Tryphville. Lots of changes, movement, sorrow and joy.

Lots of joy to be honest.

But there is so much up in the air, so much confusion, so many factors involved that I really need to keep a lid on most of it.

And by most of it I mean all of it to be honest. there is really NOTHING that I can say right now without the possibility of tipping over the house of cards I find myself walking through. Now don't get me wrong, these cards have to fall. They have to land where they land, and they will. I just need to make sure they fall the right way.

I'm sure that makes sense. It does to me and that's really all that matters at the end of it all.

Know this...

I'm happier than I've been in a very very long time. And it's REAL happy. It's the kind of happy were I'm learning to accept who I am. The kind of happy where I know I'll pull through, no matter how things end up.

And that you'll be among the first to know when things happen. I promise, the time is coming.

In which Tryph has a stupid argument

2010-10-20T08:20:00.000-04:00

Faithful readers, you know that I am VERY lacking in self confidence.

Honestly, even those who aren't faithful readers know this. Pick any random entry, and you'll find some form of self hate, or self bashing, and that's me in a nutshell.

Faithful readers will know that this last year have been HUGE growth years for me.

I still don't have the confidence or the self worth I should have, but I'm learning to accept and love who I am.

I am a delicate, beautiful and unique flower. I'm not one in a million. I'm one of a kind. And, sometimes, I even think I'm awesome.

So here's the argument I had yesterday morning.

I'm not sure HOW we got onto the subject, but I said the above and instead of being greeted with a 'hey, that's awesome! I'm so glad that you're finally not hating you' the reaction I got was 'Wow, modest too' with a look of scorn.

I got a little bit upset, because I was simply trying to demonstrate that I've come a long way over the last few months. That I'm learning to like, to love myself. That I'm growing, healing and becoming the woman I was meant to be. And all this person could do was cut me down.

I wound up responding by saying "and you wonder why I prefer the company of other people"

I am awesome, and I am one of a kind. And most of the time I don't believe this, but sometimes I do. It's growth people, and it should be applauded in any of it's forms.

Just another musical monday

2010-10-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

So, back on format, today is a Music day.

Since I'm not quite where I once was in preparation for these things, you get a 'Tryph puts Cherry on random' post. I haven't spent a lot of time loading her, it's mostly just a few albums from Zennie....

but here goes....

Song 1 - Gwen Stefani - U Started it

Aww holy hell... did the stupid thing REALLY have to give up one of my dirty little secrets STRAIGHT AWAY? So there you have it, I have a particular affection for shitty pop music. And trust me, whenever I listen to Gwen Stefani I feel dirty all over. But I like it.

Song 2 - The Shins - A comet Appears

Ok, that's a little bit better. I LOVE THE SHINS. They're mellow, and quirky and wonderful. They're basically like me, only in music form. That's right, I said it. I just compared the shins to me. Go watch Garden State. You'll see me in real life. Portrayed by Natalie Portman AND Zack Braff.

Song 3 - Nine Inch Nails - Down in it

It's no secret that I'm a NIN fan. There isn't much more I can say on that subject.

Song 4 - Smashing Pumpkins - Pug

Now, again I'm a Pumpkins fan. That's clearly noted everywhere. I also think they're a little overrated, but that doesn't mean I can't like them. Adore is probably my least favorite album, though a friend and I once did try staging a movement peace based on a few of the songs from this album.

Song 5 - Morcheeba - Coming Down Gently

Morcheeba. This band makes me a little sad. Not because of their music or anything, simply because of how I discovered it. I found Morcheeba, and a few other bands via Pandora Radio. I LOVE Pandora Radio. There was a brief time that I could get pandora radio up here in the frozen north, but sadly that time has past. I miss it. Sometimes I'm tempted to move to the states just so I can get it again. But that would be weird.

Song 6 - Little Boots - Hearts Collide

I have to thank the Lovely Lady V for this one. She recommended Little Boots to me a few months back and it was an immediate love affair. LOVE little boots. The lyrics are perhaps a little cutting at times, but hey, I can handle it, now more than ever :)

Song 7 - Silversun Pickups - Rusted wheel.

I'm not even sure how long I've been listening to Silversun Pickups, but it was love at first note. I freaking ADORE this band.

In which Tryph is NOT that girl

2010-10-15T10:41:00.000-04:00

At work last week I was talking about reading material with one of the girls there.

She related "sometimes I flip through fashion magazines", and said it like it was a dirty little secret. Something to be ashamed of.

Now, those who know me, especially long time readers know that I LOVE fashion. I may not know much about it, or really care to clothe myself fashionably (I prefer style to fashion, there IS a difference) I tend to keep up with what is trendy, because I do sometimes get ideas from what's current.

So I laughed and told her that I've got a few subscriptions to a few fashion mags.

She was literally shocked.

She really didn't know how to take it, and end up saying to me "but you're not THAT girl! I'd expect.... " and then she started to name the girls she'd expect to keep up with fas

hion trends.

Now, I didn't take offence to this. I'm NOT that girl. Not really. But I kind of hate being stereotyped. I hate being pigeonholed into the girl who has kooky style (but does it well) and can't keep up with the trends.

so I responded to this comment by taking it as a challenge.

When I went into work on Tuesday, I came up with a normal outfit (just your basic skirt, tights, long sleeved shirt and vest combo) and straight hair.

It was amazing the response I got.

People didn't recognize me.

And the girl who said I wasn't THAT girl... called me glamorous. Score one for the weird chick.

In which Tryph forsakes meat

2010-10-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

Without saying anything that's TOO TMI, I'll tell you that my body has a hard time with meat. Always has.

SO, when I heard that October 1 was International Vegetarian Day, I figured I'd go meat free for the day. But you know me faithful readers. I don't do things half way.

I decided for at the very least, the month of October, I'd be meat free. I want to see how my body responds and to determine if this veggie thing is for me. It might be, it might not be, but I want to give my body a fair shake at this, you know?

And since then, save for one hiccup, I've been a meatless girl.

I have to tell you, beyond the strange psychological cravings (I almost picked up a processed meat stick thing at the convenience store... I don't even LIKE those things!) it's not been hard to eliminate meat. The hard thing is my friends and family who are LESS than supportive.

The manthing, is ashamed to admit to his family that I (well, sort of we, because he's not eating meat at home, but when out he'll eat whatever) am veggie girl. So, Thanksgiving dinner was difficult, since all of the side dishes were either made with, or filled with meat. (I wound up eating salad, mashed potatoes and squash, all very tasty, but not a fulfilling meal IMO) And then when we went out last Saturday, everyone encouraged me to eat chicken wings. I was weak willed, and I ate 'em. But, slips happen. I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

Honestly, I'm glad I had that slip. It showed me how hard it was to break down the meat proteins.

I'm not quite half way through the month, and I can honestly say that I'm not missing meat that much. I was kind of depressed the other night and craving cheese burgers (they're my go to food when sad, or drunk) but I resisted.

I'm going to need to work on new recipes and such for things to eat. Especially the green leafy things (spinach etc) because my anemia is kicking up into high gear without the weekly hit of red meat I got used to. I'm taking an iron supplement, but I HATE taking that little pill. It's so awful, but for now it's either that or bruise.

*sigh*

so tell me your take, veggie, or meaty? What about vegan? any words of wisdom?

So, now that THAT's done...

2010-10-13T08:58:00.000-04:00

I hope you all enjoyed my 30 days of me. Perhaps you learned something, perhaps you just reinforced what you already know about me.

Regular posting will resume tomorrow, but today you get one more filler entry, simply because I'm not quite prepared to write anything.

Regular posting will involve music, drinking of kool-aid, adventures in hair, gaming, zombies, writing, vegetarianism, friends, work and various other things that I haven't even begun to come up with.

Oh and a friend suggested I do a 'what's in my bag' vlog once a month. I may do this. Not entirely sure yet.

Anyhow, you ready for me to be back?

In which Tryph has lofty goals

2010-10-12T07:11:00.006-04:00

Day 30 – Your aspirations

I had recorded a vlog for this entry, but am opting to not post it. Between my hair, my lack of makeup and being too tired to focus, it wasn't very good, and as such, I deleted it.

I really don't have lofty goals. Not really.

I mean, if I had told you this was my goal a year ago, it'd have seemed like an impossible idea, and impossible thing to strive for.

My goal, my aspiration is to be a full, complete, WHOLE individual who loves herself and is truly capable of loving others.

I want to be less sad, less depressed and less angry.

I want to finish the journey of healing that I started this year.

And that's just what I'll do.

(this madness started here)

In Which Tryph eats and drinks

2010-10-11T09:10:00.002-04:00

Day 29 – Your favorite foods/drinks

Favorite food - currently is una cheese maki. Or whatever you call it. It's eel and cheese sushi roll. I love it and crave it all the time. It used to be BBQ salmon skin, but now it's all eel all the time. YUMYUMYUM

Drink - well I'm always happy with a good bottle of wine, or a slurpee with vodka in it, but lately, it's been all about the Dr. Pepper. I just can't get enough of that stuff. fortunately I only give into the craving for that once a week, or less.

ask me again in a week, and the answer is likely to change.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph misses something

2010-10-08T10:09:00.003-04:00

Day 28 – Something that you miss

I got a new phone last week, and I love it.

And don't get me wrong, I love Cherry (the new phone) and I've come to like the kool-aid I've gone and drank. It's been a useful acquisition.

That said, I miss Frankie. I miss the way he sounded, the way he felt, and his silly little blinking light. He was perfect. He used to fit into my bra just the right way, and Cherry, she's just a little.. awkward when I try stashing her in there.

and very shortly, I'll be missing my Zen. I love my zen. Zennie and I have gone through a lot together, and now, she's going to be handed over to the manthing to take over, because he's got no mp3 player.

so I'm handing over both my frankie and my zennie to the man who destroys each and every portable electronic he's ever come in contact with.

hold me.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph has a place to go

2010-10-07T08:09:00.002-04:00

Day 27 – Your favorite place

I can't really say I have a specific favorite place.

I like to be alone, I like to be warm, and I like to have music.

I used to go for walks along the Welland Canal when I was younger and it was easier to get to. I'd walk, and sit on a bench for hours just looking at the water moving. It was lovely and peaceful.

Honestly, there isn't enough peace left in my world. but that's another point altogether.

though, next year, my favorite place might be San Fran. Who knows.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph is Scared

2010-10-06T11:05:00.002-04:00

Day 26 – Your fears

I'm afraid of being alone and misunderstood.

I'm afraid of the dark and falling too, but those two are fears I have, or plan to face. But the first set, that's the REAL fear. That's the deep seated stuff.

I'm afraid of being alone and misunderstood, of being invisible.

I'm afraid to show off the real me, because I'm sure I'll be rejected. But I'm afraid that no one will ever see or accept the real me.

I'm a walking catch 22.

Thank gods for people like Mojo who pointed out the flaw in that plan and worked to make me open up to people that love me. And thank them again for the people that love me.

Less Than Three.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph doesn't sleep

2010-10-05T10:05:00.003-04:00

Day 25 – Your sleeping habits

There isn't much to say about my sleeping habits, or lack there of as seems to be the case.

Ya'll know the basics of my troubled childhood, an a troubled childhood often involves trouble sleeping. Well, I was an insomniac when I was 8, and have been dealing with (and at times nearly crippled by) it ever since.

I'll tell you a story about what it was like trying to find a way to sleep when I was about 13 or so.

My mother had just gotten married, and at the wedding they'd had a keg machine. Now, you need to keep in mind that my step father drank a lot, my mother is an alcoholic, and their friends were often drunk/passed out at the house.

I saw this keg machine as an opportunity.

I'd see all these people SLEEPING after they drank too much beer. So I figured if I drank beer too, I might sleep. SO I got an empty pop bottle, and filled it with the strongest beer in the keg, and promptly hid it in my bedroom.

Little did I know that my room was going to be tossed that day in hopes of fixing an electrical problem. And the bottle was found. And my parents thought I was drinking for the sake of drinking.

They never listened to me when I told them that I wanted to sleep.

Anyhow, they decided to get me really really drunk. So the following weekend, they played drinking games with me and their friends. It was pretty lamesauce parenting, but it did teach me that I didn't want to drink in excess.

And I still didn't sleep.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph cries

2010-10-04T09:04:00.003-04:00

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

I've got to be honest, I don't cry a lot anymore.

There was a time, when my heart was broken that I cried all the time and for very little reason sometimes. I cried because it was all it seemed like I could do.

Now though, with the amazing friends I've found... Well I'm a stronger happier bunny.

If I was pressed to say what would makes sad enough to cry these days... I'd say thinking about losingy friends or knowing they hurt would be rather difficult for me to handle... But thats all just theoretical.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph feels better

2010-10-01T09:03:00.002-04:00

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better

Knowing that I have wonderful friends who care about me, and are there for me no matter what makes me feel better.

I didn't always have friends, and it's still kind of surreal for me. But I find it impossible to be truly unhappy for long these days. All I do is tell the people I care about that I'm sad, and they a) tell me they care and b) send me silly pictures and hugs etc.

It's really quite wonderful.

So, my friends make me fell better. And thank you for that.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph is upset

2010-09-30T07:03:00.005-04:00

Day 22 – Something that upsets you

I figured this would be a good place to talk about pet peeves.

NUMBER 1 - I hate to be touched. I have some pretty serious personal space issues, and for the most part I can function as a human even when being touched. Hell, I'll even welcome hugs from people I know/care about. But if you want to piss me off, no matter WHO you are... simply tap my arm like you're trying to get my attention.

NUMBER 2 - I hate feeling like I'm talking to myself. Drives me absolutely batty when people interrupt me to talk about something unrelated, or they just aren't paying attention to what I'm saying.

NUMBER 3 - Procrastinating. I hate procrastinating. Take for instance this blog post, which should have gone up hours ago, but didn't go up. Or the thing I promised a friend that didn't get made. I opted to sleep instead of doing these things. Though I suppose I needed the sleep.

There are a lot of things I find mildly upsetting, loud talkers, exaggerators, liars, not having my MP3 player, strangers talking to me, bad public bathroom etiquette, etc. etc. etc.

I'd go on further, but I just don't have the time. *sigh*

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph goes to work

2010-09-29T08:02:00.003-04:00

Day 21 – Your job and/or schooling

I had every intention of going to school when I graduated from Highschool. But I didn't have the money and I didn't win any scholarships so it just wasn't going to happen.

so I opted to take a year to work and save money.

Lets just say I've been saving money ever since.

So work... I've worked in the call center industry for the entirety of my adult life. Just crested the 9 year mark. Doesn't it seem like all the (seemingly at least in some cases) important things in my life happened 9 years ago?

Anyhow...

I have no illusions about the call center industry. I tend to not call it a contact center, even though most call centers deal in email, and chat contacts as well. It just sounds pretentious and stuff.

So... I haven't done a lot of work on the phones, and I'm not a 'call center junkie' like many people in this area are (there are currently 4 major call centers in the region, and one just folded up shop... not to mention the little ones). I spent over 6 years at one of the major ones, with the bulk of my time being in various off phone/QA/Management-y kinds of roles, until my job was eliminated (there's more to that story, but I don't need to tell it here). I then ended up jumping over to another of the big ones, but didn't stay there long. My stint at the first center was enough to jade me and keep me from going back into the corporate machine.

I wound up vowing that I'd never work in another call center again.

And yet... I'm in another call center. Granted it's fundraising. Granted it's for charity. And Granted it's small and my bosses are awesome. So I guess I don't mind.

So yeah... I work as a telefundraiser (who will be in QA shortly, one hopes)

(this madness started here)

In Which Tryph wakes up

2010-09-28T09:02:00.002-04:00

Day 20 – Your morning routine

My average routine is rather changeable, but one way another it tends to follow this path.

Throughout the week... I wake up to the sound of Frankie's alarm. He stays under my pillow when I sleep. The first thing I do is check my email, and a quick skim of twitter. I figure if I've gotta get the phone out to shut the alarm off... why not check stuff, right?

Then I stumble down the stairs (passed the coffee) to the dungeon with the computers. I fire one or both of them up. Make sure MSN loads up, and read the wall of text that shows up there.

*grin*

Stumble up stairs, get coffee.

Wake boychild up, get his lunch made, make sure he eats and brushes teeth.

send boychild to school

debate being productive, or going back to sleep. This is honestly 50/50. Depends on the day. Lately I've been sleeping, but I'm fighting a cold. The second of the season to be honest. Hate colds.

Either wake up again, or realize that I don't have much time before I have to leave. Guzzle more coffee, shower, dress apply make up and run from the house shortly after Noon.

On the weekends, it's generally less hectic, and involves more whining about people bringing me coffee.

So yeah, that's my AM time.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph regrets

2010-09-27T10:01:00.002-04:00

Day 19 – Something you regret

I've covered regret at length before, and I don't want to cover THAT idea again.

And realistically, what I'm about to blog about isn't so much of a regret, because it's part of the path that brought me here, and I wouldn't be who I am... or found who I am....

Anyhow...

I regret that it's taken me so long to get to where I am.

I'm finally in a position where I feel like I can heal, let go of a lot of hurt and move on. Where I feel comfortable in my own skin, and like I don't need to be anyone else. I don't need to make anyone else happy.

It's taken me 10 years to get here, and I wish I had managed to figure this stuff out a long time ago.

That said, I know if I had figured it out before, I wouldn't have the great friends I have now.

so it's not so much of a regret.... but at the same time it is.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph is born

2010-09-24T09:00:00.003-04:00

Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

My favorite birthday has not happened yet.

Let me back track a little.

Growing up, birthdays weren't the big deal I always hoped they'd be. Lame bbq's, and equally lame sleep overs. Just not so much fun for the socially awkward girl who really didn't have many REAL friends.

One year we went to the circus with 2 of my friends, and that was pretty epic. I rode an elephant. That was also epic.

You know, I don't even get a birthday cake anymore. I haven't gotten one in years. I generally have to share with my step father who has a birthday 3 days prior to mine.

Anyhow... the birthday that I declare the BEST hasn't happened yet, but it will in 8 months, give or take.

MAP's birthday is a few weeks before mine, and we've decided to do something rather special for it.

We're having a princess party.

I plan to get a tiara, and a fancy dress (that I haven't settled on yet) and there's talk of a bouncy castle, and I want a cupcake tower. AND... I plan to stream it on the internet for my far away friends who can't come to my party (tho I'd love it if they could).

So yeah, my favorite birthday hasn't happened yet :)

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph remembers

2010-09-23T10:00:00.003-04:00

Day 17 – Your favorite memory

I can't honestly say I have a lot of good memories.

Not that they're all BAD memories, but the good memories are just harder to find among all the bad.

Some would think that the day I got married would be a favorite memory, but it's not. I was so hot, tired, stressed out and hugely pregnant that I couldn't WAIT for the day to be over.

Or the day my son was born. Don't get me wrong, that day was pretty EPIC all things considered, but it was mixed with drugs, and pain and really... not really favorite material, in my opinion.

The night I met the manthing? not so much (t'was alcohol soaked and such)

The day I bought my house? Nope.

so what is my FAV memory?

Part of me wants to cop out on this one and say that it's ever changing, and it depends on the mood and the moment. Which, if we're all honest with each other, is entirely true. I mean, my favourite memory when I'm feeling romantic is different from when I'm feeling maternal, and can be completely different based on where I am.

Take for instance last weekend. I was absolutely consumed with memories of creamy cauliflower soup. The Harvest Barn across from my school had the BEST creamy cauliflower soup, so that and their cheese sticks bring back some of the best moments of highschool.

Anyhow, in my debate to find a memory that I deem my FAVORITE I lamented to WTFA, at which point he said "there's got to be a memory involving the boy that makes you smile" (paraphrase)

And there are many many memories of me and my little boy, and there will be many many more in the time to come.

Some memories of me and the boy....

When he used to introduce himself as Boy SUPER PENGUIN Child (obviously his name isn't really boychild, but imagine boy as his first name and child as his last). He'd always sigh heavily and give you a look of "what kind of idiot are you" when he'd say that. Later super penguin became super kitty... but that's a whole other story.
Listening to him and his best friend laugh and giggle and argue. They were so cute together. She had a firey temper and would take the boy on! I remember this one time that they were fighting over something and he said to her "you know, you didn't teach me a lesson" and she turned on him, fists clenched, "you want a lesson? I'll GIVE YOU a lesson".
And the time that he turned to my mom and said "I don't get told, I do the telling!"
Finally, the random foods that he eats. Bacon in cookies and cream oatmeal. Peanut butter, ham, jam, honey, lettuce and mayo sandwiches. Mustard on corn.

but a FAVORITE? I can't say I like any one of those memories more than any other. And I can't wait to make more memories as time goes on.

(this madness started here)

In Which Tryph gets a kiss

2010-09-22T10:59:00.002-04:00

Day 16 – Your first kiss

My first kiss wasn't much to speak of to be honest.

Actually, almost all of the kisses I had after that were pretty insignificant to be honest. So instead of telling you a story of a pretty meaningless kiss that I hardly remember, I'll tell you about the first kiss I got that really MEANT something.

Because, that's just how I roll.

So, it was a night late spring, early summer around here and the boy and I had gone for a moonlight walk along a river. It was one of those perfect kind of nights. Not too hot, not too cold, just perfect.

And like I said, we'd been walking and chatting about life, the universe and everything.

Eventually, we walked back the way we came, and instead of heading back to the car we opted to sit on picnic table overlooking the river. I can still remember the exact place we sat, the break in the trees that let us see the water, and the lights across the way... the fireflies...

Anyhow, I put my head on his shoulder. It was the first time we had any kind of 'intimate' contact. It was just so relaxed and felt so right for the first time ever.

So, I pull my head from his shoulder and someone said something. It was probably him making a bad joke... I tipped my face towards his and he looked down at me... time stood still just for a second and... then we kissed.

It was soft, and sweet and something just went *CLICK* inside of me.

Later we argued about who kissed who (he said I kissed him, and I said the opposite) but I think it was just one of those things that happened. The time was right, and it just happened.

So yeah, that's the first kiss that counted for anything.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph struggles with this one

2010-09-21T08:55:00.001-04:00

Day 15 – Something You Love About Yourself

This one is very hard for me to write because historically I've not liked anything about myself. In fact I generally dislike myself overall.

I could take the easy way out, and just give you the list of things a dear friend said they liked about me. but that would be cheating, and I'm not prepared to cheat.

So, first thing first. I am the kind of person who looks for the tarnish. I will try to refrain from talking about the tarnish, because there is a lot of tarnish.

ANYHOW....

I like the fact that I can find a way to relate with most everyone and tend to be engaging and open.

I'm a friendly and gregarious person, and I do make every effort to reach out to and pull the best parts of people out of themselves so they can see it and embrace it. People can talk to me, and I refuse to judge them.

People can talk to me, and complete strangers seem to feel comfortable telling me things they'd never tell anyone.

I suppose I like that about myself.

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph has a house and a town

2010-09-20T09:54:00.002-04:00

Day 14 – Where You Live

As of December this year I will have been a home owner for 7 years. I moved out of my mothers house 9.5 years ago, lived in a small house beside her for just less than a year, lived in an apartment for a year, and then moved into my house.

I love my house, but I'm the first to admit that we haven't taken as good care of it as we should have in the last 7 years. In short, I hate gardening and yard work, and so does the manthing.

I wouldn't mind it so much if it wasn't for the fact that I've got issues with the sun (I get a rash if I go out into it, and my skin itches) and major issues with bugs (I'm really quite allergic). Same with some plants and things. I get stuff on my skin, and my skin will react.

So part one, I live in my own home.

Part two is where I live.

I grew up in a smallish city, and eventually bought a house in a town on the outskirts of the town I grew up in. It's not a bad place, and honestly when we got the house it seemed to make sense. To get a house this size (1050 sq/ft + a finished basement {adds another 500 sq/ft}) in a nice area of town (read - not sketchy) would have cost at least an extra 50grand. Just wasn't going to happen.

Though in retrospect when we factor in the increased costs of transportation (I don't drive so I have to take the bus) and property taxes (which is extremely painful... I literally paid MORE in property taxes last year than I paid on my mortgage) we're paying MORE to live here, but I was young and dumb.

So yeah, I live in a house and a town. And I'd much rather live anywhere else

(this madness started here)

In which Tryph can't drive 55

2010-09-17T10:50:00.002-04:00

Day 13 – Your Mode of Transportation

I am paying for a car, and have been for the last year. This isn't even the first car I've ever put money into, but it's the first time I feel like I should have a say in what happens to it.

That said, it's not MY primary mode of transport, simply because I cannot drive. I don't have my drivers license, and as such MY mode of transport is the bus. which sucks, trust me. It's always full, and late, and smelly and people sit with me. I rather hate it. I have to carry hand sanitizer all the time to keep from getting sick.

So yeah, I can't drive, so I don't have a car that, so my primary transport is the bus.

Oh how I wish I lived in the city so i could use my bike.

(this madness started here)