Monday, April 28, 2014

In Which Tryph is in transition

Growing up I was always skinny.  I was (and am) just under 5 foot 4 inches, and as a teen my weight hovered in and around 110lbs. 

It's been a long time since then, but I don't recall my bones protruding, I don't recall feeling unhealthy.  Heck, even back then I was an unstoppable force that could always keep up with the boys when it came to the physical labour involved in the technical theatre work I used to do.  

But for the entirety of my teenage years, I was constantly criticized for my weight.  I was too thin, I needed to eat more.  It was funny, the people who actually knew me used to come to my defense as a kid... they'd shake their head and say things like "I just saw her eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese... she totally eats like a cow"  And I did.  I ate a lot, I was just a busy teen who was always on the go and had a very high metabolism. 

Anyhow, I got pregnant, my body changed and my life became a lot more sedentary.  My weight skyrockted while I was pregnant, going from my standard 110 to the low 180's... and that's where it remained.  The highest recorded weight I have was 196.  I don't have many pictures of myself during this time because I hated the way I looked (lets be honest, I have always had image issues, weight was always just a small portion of that).

So as a fat girl, people would make comments about how big I was, or how exercise would be good for me.  And the people who wouldn't say anything, you could see the disgust.  It was always worst when shopping. The girls behind the counter would have that look of "why are you even in my store, don't you know these clothes aren't for fat girls"

Enough was enough.  I made the choice for myself to change my body.  I started eating cleaner (or at least pay attention to what I was eating), and exercise more.  It's been a long road, but I'm close to where I want to be weight wise.  

Funny thing has kept happening throughout all of my weight loss though.  

I keep being told how "perfect" and "beautiful" I am.  
I keep being told to "love the body I have" and that I "don't need to change".
I keep being told how to appreciate my body, that the image I have in my mind isn't okay, and I need to adhere to other peoples standards of beauty.  

It boggles the bloody mind.  

When I was skinny, I was too skinny and needed to eat more.  
When I was fat, I was too fat and needed to eat less.  
When I'm trying to find MY perfect balance in between, I'm still being told I'm wrong.  

This whole 'body shaming' movement needs to bloody well stop.  

Yes, maybe I'm YOUR vision of perfect.  Maybe if YOU had the body I have now it'd be good enough.  But here's the thing.  I'm not you, and you're not me.  I know damned well that I can keep going, and I want to lose the last of my fat, not just because I know I'll look better (at least to me) but also because I'll FEEL better,  both emotionally, mentally and physically.  

Please stop telling me I'm wrong or how to love my body, because I feel like part of loving my body is to carve off more fat and layer on more muscle.  

Love always, 

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