Monday, November 4, 2013

In which Tryph is Forgettable

Everyone I have ever loved has left me.

I should amend that to say that just about everyone I have ever loved has left me, because there are a few that hung on when things got rough... but most have left me.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not laying blame on everyone else, because I know that there are always two sides to every story, and I know that I'm not the easiest to get along with.  I'm not just talking about my depression or anxiety, because those are often excuses to cover my sheer inability to communicate.

You know how I said we could blame things on me not being hugged enough as a child?  Well, I wasn't really kidding.  I learned a lot of bad behaviors as a child.  Picked up a lot of my mothers bad habits... and one of those was how to not communicate.

I have sent MAYBE two messages to my grandmother this year.
I currently have 2 voice mail messages from my step father that I haven't even listened to.
The last conversation I had with either of my brothers (I mean voice, not just the occasional text) was months ago.

Hell there are times that my friends and my boyfriend won't hear from me at all if they aren't persistent.

The point I'm making is that when a relationship starts to slip... more often than not I'll let it.

And it's not just because I'm bad at talking, although that's a key factor in the beginning of the downfall...

You have to keep in mind that everyone leaves me.  I'm used to being so unimportant that my absence ends up going unnoticed.  That by the time I realize how long it's been since I last talked to someone, I figure "what's the point, I doubt they know/care who I am anymore"

History has taught me that I'm the kind of girl who is easy to replace and/or walk away from.

My best friend (and actually all of my friends from highschool save for one) from highschool?  We rarely, if ever talk.
My oldest/closest male friend?  We go from talking everyday for hours on end to deafening silence.  This has happened at least 3 times... and each time I screamed into the quiet and heard nothing, not even my own voice echo back.
Hell, my mother chose to walk away from me.  Who, but the utterly unimportant, has ever had that happen to them?

The point I"m making is... while it breaks my heart every time it happens... I'm used to being left behind.  I count myself as regrettable, forgettable me.

1 comment:

Crash Kinkaide said...

Some are more distant due to a lack of hugs, some are more clingy. In short, everyone needs more hugs. Also, you are exceedingly memorable, even to those who are at least as bad at communication as you claim to be.