Monday, October 21, 2013

In which tryph thinks on love, trust and relationships

In my mind, the main basis of love or any relationship is trust, pure and simple.  

When you love someone, when you're with someone, you're placing your (metaphorical) heart in their hands and asking them to protect it. Part of being loved, is giving your partner the ability to destroy you and trusting that they won't. 

I've been burned often enough, and been in bad relationships before and I know this isn't always the case.  Sometimes it's easier to sabotage things, sometimes it's easier to read into harmless and innocent actions. Sometimes it's easier to not take that leap of faith and just trust you'll fly.  

All too often I watch people who could be perfect for each other destroy what they could have had with their own nagging doubts and their own past history.  

I'm not immune to this either.  Outside of high school I've had a total of 3 major relationships (including the one I'm in now). The first two... We're not good for a lot of reasons.  

The first relationship, it left me a scared and distrustful woman.  So when the second relationship began, I painted it with the scars of the first one.  

While I am absolutely certain that the second relationship would have ended anyhow (there was just a lot that wouldn't have worked, beyond my trust issues) my inability to trust and not leap, it made that year and a half of my life a lot more stressful and tumultuous than it could have been. 

So let's flash to now.  

I've been lied to. 
I've been cheated on. 
I've had my personal space violated. 
I've been abused. 
I've been held down. 

I have a lot if scar tissue that could make it very easy to believe that everyone is the same. That everyone will hurt me, that I could never expect better.  

It would be easy to hold the lessons I've learned about how bad people can be. It would be easy to be forever alone because  I can't get my shit together.  

It's hard to try and trust. 

It's hard to sometimes glance at your boyfriends phone and see him try to quickly conceal a chat session he had with another girl and not think he's cheating on you.  

It's sometimes hard to believe the outlandish sounding story your guy tells you when he stayed out all night and didn't call.  

It's not easy to believe that the boy you like stopped texting you because he fell asleep early, even when you know he works long hours at a physical job. 

Trust is hard.   It takes a lot of work, but believe me, it's worth it when you have it. 

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