Sunday, October 6, 2013

In Which Tryph fails to avoid a dramatic exit

I wanted to simply exit stage left, quiet as a mouse, with no fanfare or dramatics.

I worried that if I SAID something, it would appear that I was doing that attention whore thing where you jump up and down until someone notices you, and begs you to not do whatever it is you plan.  Honestly, I didn't want anyone to notice I was gone (from social media).

But it was suggested to me that it wasn't fair for me to walk away from everything and everyone without some kind of explanation.  The people who care, and who primarily connect with me through things like twitter deserve to know that I'm okay.   That they didn't do anything wrong.  That this is something I need right now.  They deserve to know that there are other ways that they can contact me (I'm an iphone user again, so feel free to hit me up for my digits kids, iMessage ftw).

And honestly, as someone who has had people she cared about very very deeply walk out of her life without so much as a glance back... I was reminded that it sucks.  The hurt that the sudden and unexplained void created in the wake of someone disappearing... it's pretty awful and damn near impossible to repair.

So here I am, explaining.

This is not a pity party.  I'm not crying "woe is me" and wanting everyone to come to my aid and rescue me from my depression.  What this is, is a quest for quiet.

Twitter, facebook, all the other social media mediums out there are noise.  Dull and unceasing white noise.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying any of these things are BAD.  I've met some amazing people (both virtually and in real life) because of twitter.  I've deepened relationships through failbook... I just... I need to escape it for now, for a while probably.  I can't be sure how long.

I'll be frank, because honestly I don't know how else to be most of the time.

I don't like who I am.
I don't like where I am.
And I'm fucking lost right now.

I've been standing still for so long, and everything around me is changing... and I feel like I'm not.

I feel like I'm the girl who sits there and watches the amazing conversations that go on around her, and am unable to join in.  I feel stunted and stupid.

I am not blaming social media for this at all.  I am however blaming the noise that social media creates from distracting me from my goals.

Ugh, every time I sit down and try to explain this... I can't make it sound like it makes sense... just trust me when I say it feels like it makes sense, even if I'm not.

Anyhow... I'm not dead.  I'm (mostly) okay.  And I'll leave things undeactivated for a few days if there is anyone out there who wants another mode of contact for me.  But, I'm pretty sure I'll be back to my deactivation blackout shortly thereafter.

So, so long and thanks for all the fish...
~Tryph, aka Bunny, aka BtR, aka Shana-Marie


Crash Kinkaide said...

It's a valid reason to step back. I hope some time in the quiet is beneficial for you. Know that your contribution will be missed, and you will be welcomed back when (if?) you return.

Faeriemusejo said...

It makes perfect sense. The noise from social media is deafening. The politics, the posts saying what you should and shouldn't do, the posts telling you which way to think, the posts that make you feel like a fool or a failure or a fraud, the posts that make you focus too much on yourself, and the posts that make you think too little of yourself; it is all just noise. The noise builds and grates like a broken television that just transmits static and is stuck at a ludicrously high volume. The thoughts inside your head cease to be your own and only focus on blocking out all the unpleasantness that begins to surround you. I don't blame you for wanting a break. I have thought about it myself. You will be so missed, but just because you aren't posting, it doesn't mean that you won't be in others' thoughts. I hope you find peace and clarity very soon! You will succeed at what you aim to do because you are awesome and there are those out there that believe in you. <3