Monday, June 3, 2013

In which Tryph explains why she runs

I fucking hate running.

Honestly, I hate everything about it.  The way my fat jiggles.  The way my shorts (if I wear them) ride up.  The way I sweat. How tired my muscles get.  The way I breathe... actually no I like that.  When I find I'm breathing heavily I tend to really focus on my breaths, taking good cleansing ones in and letting them out fully.  I like that, meditation breathing while running.



Anyhow, the point is, I don't like to run. More accurately, I don't like exercise in general.  But since I want/need to lose weight and I'm not about to starve myself (because based on my estimated BMR -basal metabolic rate, I could consume less than 1000 calories a day, and still hope to lose weight) because I don't want to be a thin corpse, I need to find a way to burn more calories.

So exercise it is.

Here's the thing though.  A) I hate exercise B) I'm exceedingly lazy so C) any fitness plan I try, I will fail at because I'll get bored/frustrated/hate it and just find the whole thing pointless because lets be honest... I want results right now, not in a month.

What always seems to happen is I'll work at something for a few weeks, maybe a month, and then I'll just stop.  Maybe I'll try something else, but since I hate exercise so much, I just give up.  And this giving up becomes fuel to my depression and self hate.

So, I came up with an idea that would not only help with my image issues, but also help me handle some of the depression and anxiety issues I have.

I run.

Right now, since my depression seems to be in check (I've only had one anxiety attack since February, I haven't had a down swing for more than a day or so) running is just for fitness.  But when (not saying if, saying when because I know me) I start to feel a down swing coming on, running is great therapy for me.

So anyhow, I had to devise a way to NOT QUIT this.

The only way I could come up with was to set a goal, a long term goal that had nothing to do with either weight, or mental health.  Something unrelated.  And that became training for the half marathon in October.

The finish line of that marathon is driving me forward.  It's honestly the reason that I'm still fighting, and actually adding ore exercise to my daily routine.  I need this.

This is why I get so offended when people encourage me to stop, even for a moment, no matter what their reasoning is.  Because honestly I need this.  And I know damned well, stopping for a week would likely be the kiss of death and I'd never make the finish line.

The time is now.

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