Monday, April 22, 2013

In which Tryph has no self esteem

Some days I struggle to even dress myself.  Generally it has to do with my hormones being crazy and making me think everything is ugly, but there's a bigger root to it.  

I feel fat and ugly.  

Now, I don't think I always had this issue.  When I was a kid (when I say kid, I tend to mean teen, because honestly we're still kids when we're pretending to be adult as teenagers) I was thin.  One of those girls that used to get told to eat a sandwich, or that I should eat more.  

Then pregnancy, moving from home, being less active and poor dietary choices caused me to gain a good chunk of weight.  My BMI would have called me obese (and I have a small frame, and I'm not all that muscular, so BMI is a fairly safe gauge), and my hip to waist ratio is approximately a 0.95 putting me at high risk of things like heart disease and other fun things (I'd have to bring it to below .80 to eliminate that risk).

Anyhow, I've started losing weight because A) I'm tired of how I look with all the extra fat on me and B) I don't want to be at risk any more.  Mostly it's A though.

So yesterday, I was struggling to get ready to go photograph a friend and her son and I put on a comfortable outfit.  Just basic cargo pants, a tshirt and a sweater.  When I bought the pants and shirt a year or more ago, they were snug to the point of tight at times. 

Yesterday, they were lose.  The shirt (while still tight around my chest) was baggy around my belly, and the pants were comfortably lose, requiring me to actually tie the string at the waist to keep them secure.  

And I felt like I looked larger and fatter than ever. 

It's strange and annoying how perception is skewed.  I wish I could get this self esteem stuff under control.  

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