Friday, March 22, 2013

In which Tryph... fuck I don't know

I'm the girl with all the goals.  The dreams.... Well, I think my tarot reader (www.tarotbyarwen.com, she's perfectly amazing and highly recommended) said it best when she did a two card reading for me last January...

You are dreamer, Shana-Marie. You don’t
have small little goals. They are huge.
Overwhelming even. But you don’t let that
stop you.

I am a dreamer.  
I always have been, and you know what, even when I manage to reach the stars that I've dreamed up for myself... I'm still going to be a dreamer.  

I'm the girl who pushes a little harder after every failure.  I'm pretty sure I'd do the same after every success.  

My soul, my being, my everything is restless in a state of stasis.  I have to keep going keep moving, keep changing and keep dreaming.  And yet, I remain exactly the same.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm stronger, better, sometimes even happier (or sadder).  I'm smarter, I'm fitter, I've changed in many immeasurable ways, but I'm still the same.  

I know who I am.  And ever since I was a kid I knew who I was supposed to be.  

I'm afraid of my dreams.  It's not entirely my fault, in many ways.  Honestly, when you've had the shit kicked out of you by life as many times as I have... you'd be right to fear.  And there are times I let the fear get the better of me.  I've let opportunities slide by... I lost the best relationship of my life because of fear... I didn't jump from a sinking ship (aka my previous job).  

And I'm still stuck in a house I hate because of fear.  I'm afraid of hurting my son.  I'm afraid of destroying my finances (even more than I have).  I'm afraid of the retribution and fallout.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid.  I'm terrified.  

Like I said in the subject.  I don't know.  

This is just me and my fingers meandering across the keyboard here, with a tear in my eye.  

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