Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The worst year of my life

Today while feeling sick and weary, with the kind of heartache that just won't quit, I thought about this last year of mine.

It's been a pretty awful year when you think about it... I'll list the bad things off in bullet points, because honestly dwelling on them at this point, doesn't make sense...
  • The job I had created, got given to someone else.
  • My son tells me that he's afraid I'm going to beat him when I've never raised a hand to him
  • A long time friend takes offence to me going underground because of the above, just because it happened during her birthday
  • My fiance and I break off our engagement.
  • I had a miscarriage (I didn't include that at first...)
  • I gained 30 lbs
  • I lose my job on my 2nd anniversary there
  • I lose my mother, not that she died, she simply chose to let her new boyfriend treat me like crap, thus ending our relationship.
  • I spiral into a depression that lead me to take antidepressants, making me more unstable and attempting suicide.  
  • I lost my best friend over that one... not sure how to get over that.  
Pretty awful year when you think about it isn't it?

Here's the thing.  This hasn't been the worst year of my life. 

Sure it's been hard.
Sure I've cried more than my fair share.
Sure I've lost so much...

Here's the thing though.  I'm a fighter.  Nothing ever keeps me down for long.  Sure I'll fall apart and lose myself for weeks, maybe even months, but at the end of it... I always come back out on top.  

Here's what I've gained this year...
  • some amazing friends
  • a love that's going to last a lifetime, one way or another
  • the kick in the pants to go back to school
  • the kick in the pants to get help to let go of the pain I've carried around since I was a child
  • experiences that forever changed me for the better. 
  • and most of all perspective.  
I honestly like myself more today than I did a year ago.  Last year, if I had to write a list of things I like about myself, I'd never have gotten to 22 (I had help with 2 of them, but still).  There's a lot to like about me.  I'm an amazing, kickass, sassy nerd girl.  

Maybe I'm sad at the moment, but you know what?  It won't last.  I believe in myself.  

This year hasn't been great, but it laid the groundwork for an amazing next year. 

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