Tuesday, June 14, 2011

In which this is a good a time as any

Yeah, sorry.

Things are in constant flux in the world of Tryph.

Though come to think of it the word flux is a bit of an understatement.

Let me start at the beginning of this tale.

So you all know that over a year ago I told TeX that I was leaving.
You also know that I made efforts (futile at the time) to move on with my life with LOML.
And I had made plans to move out with a firm move date of May.

Then, days before TeX was set to leave for a family trip to Hawaii he came up with this wild idea that he wanted to sell the house. An endeavour that we all knew was mostly a ploy to keep me around a little bit longer. And I bit, and went along with it.

A couple reasons for this. A) I wanted the money from the sale of the house for a new place of my own. B) the last thing I wanted was for things to get ugly for the BC.

I never wanted things to get ugly, he always deserved better than that.

So, time passed.

TeX told me he was over me and didn't want to be together. That he knew we were through and was getting to be okay with it. Time and time again he would tell me this. Swear this to me, over and over and over.

Each time I sounded less and less like a lie he was telling me and himself. Each time I believed him more and let my guard down a bit.

We were becoming friends. People who could talk about stuff, enjoyed each others company. I liked laughing and joking with him. Watching TV with him. In spite of myself I found myself genuinely liking him.

This isn't to say that I was ready to forgive and forget and welcome him back into my heart with open arms, but I was welcoming him back into my life. You see, as much as I liked and yes cared for (I'll even use the word love, though perhaps that four letter word is used a tad too liberally these days) him, I didn't trust him with my heart.

He wasn't ever going to get that back.

So flash to yesterday.... when he started to push harder. He started to make it clear that he wanted more than I was giving him. I realized I had to make it clear that I couldn't give him that. The options as I saw them were clear.

  • be harsh and draw a clear line in the sand

  • be cruel and lead him on into his fantasy.

I chose to draw the line.

And the shit hit the fan.

He ranted and raged and threw me out of the house. He made threats and was cruel to me. He broke what little part of my heart still beat for him and spat on it. Again.

At the end of it all, I feel stupid. I should have, and honestly I did, seen this coming. I let myself be blinded by the good that truly is in him...

Anyhow, I'm writing this now from my mothers spare bedroom while I attempt to figure out what to do with my life. there is a lot I need to figure out. Where I'm going to live, how I'm going to see my monkey again (if I can) and how to keep breathing.

I miss my monkey snuggles already, and it's been less than 24 hours since I was last at the house I used to call home.


CelestialAxis said...

Oh sweetie. All I can say is I love you. *hugs*

Adam Israel said...