Thursday, March 3, 2011

In which Tryph writes her fourth letter of the week

Dear TeX,

I don't understand you, and I don't think I ever will.

Eleven years ago this coming May, I met you and gave myself over to you, and you not only didn't WANT me but took for granted that I'd always hang around. The last 11 years of my life have been hell. This isn't to say that there haven't been any happy or good points at all, just that the overwhelming emotion I feel when I think about you and the last decade is pain, suffering and anger. Rage really.

When I was a kid and a teen, I was always afraid I had my fathers temper. He was a man who used to get drunk and beat my mother... and I was afraid that I had that same rage in me. I did a good job keeping it in check when it came to my interactions with other people for a very long time. And then came you. We both knew each others buttons and pushed them at every opportunity.

I spent so much time wanting to die. And so many times I made the decision to leave and never left. I suppose I can't blame you for not believing me when I told you I was leaving 10 months ago. I mean, we talked about it extensively, and the fact that even you conceded that it was different this time must have been some kind of indication... but you still continued to imagine I would stay.

And I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with YAE when I did. I probably should have waited until I left this godforasken house and never had to see you again, but I didn't. And I didn't because I felt our marriage was over a LONG LONG time ago. You had so many chances and opportunity to try and fix things with us, but you opted not to.

So I don't understand. I don't understand how after 11 years of hell for BOTH of us (neither of us have been happy the entire time we were together), after I fell heart over soul in love with another man, after I ask you to divorce me... that you still want to make things work. I can't fucking believe that you want us to go to therapy. It's kind of senseless.

What to you honestly expect from me?

I cared about you, deeply, until you kept pushing your love and your emotions on me. I warned you a number of times the last 5 months that if it kept up, you'd simply push me away. And this is what has happened.

I hate you, TeX. I hate you with every fiber of me. And soon, I will release that hate from myself and my heart and you will not matter. I wish things could have gone differently, that maybe we could have found a way to be friends. But selfish people end up lonely and alone.

I hope that one day you truly learn that lesson and find a way to really manage to put your own pain to the side and see through to the end of the road.

No matter how much it hurts, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... and you'll only get there by moving through the pain sometimes. Applying a tourniquet and forcing things back into their own box will only delay the inevitable.

I suppose I'm writing this because I hope you don't fuck up your relationship with your son the way you destroyed things with me. You keep going the way you are... and that is what you'll get.


No comments: