Wednesday, March 2, 2011

In which tryph keeps writing letters

My dearest sweetest darling love,

Yes, I'm writing to you YAE.

I got your email yesterday. It was as I was walking to work that it came in. I debated about whether or not I was going to open it or not.

You see, Monday night I cried myself to sleep, as I've been doing every night since I asked for a break... but yesterday morning, I woke up feeling remarkably OK. Not great, simply OK. I was beginning to embrace the idea that you and I weren't together anymore, that you weren't mine. And while it hurt like a son of a bitch and I still felt like I was dying, I was OK.

I knew I was going to make it through the day for the first time in ages.

And then you emailed me.

Fresh new waves of pain ripped through me, and I felt my knees buckle and I hyperventilated as I walked.

I closed my eyes gasped for breath, and clutched the phone to my chest as I continued to walk and debated my next steps. Do I read the mail, or not?

I made it all the way to my coffee shop before I finally opened it.

There you said you missed me, and that you loved me and you called me yours.

And I fucking broke.

I realized then that I wasn't really feeling okay. I was simply feeling numb.

As I waited for my coffee to be made, I wrapped myself in my cloak of numbness and thought about the many things I want to say to you. And there is so much that I want to, need to say to you....

And yet the words just don't seem to come.

I'm in love with you. Madly desperately in love with you. There is no other man in this world who would ever complete me the way that you do. No other person who makes me feel like you make me feel. No other... anything for me. Ever.

I know this with every part of my heart. I was thinking before that without you, I had lost a piece of my soul. But that's wrong. As long as I know where you are, I know where it is.

But things are wrong, so wrong. I'm broken and hurting and miserable.

I said way back when all this stuff started that I wasn't ready. You told me then that it was okay, and that you'd wait for me. I should have taken you up on that offer.

There is so much going on in my life right now that I probably should have backed off then.

But I didn't, because I'm an impatient fuckup who was terrified of losing you. you're the best thing to have happened to me since I met my little angel. I love you more than anyone but him. And I don't know what to do without you. I'm broken, and hurting and more miserable than ever without you in my life.

I don't know what to do.

I want nothing more than to be with you, to be yours, and you mine forever more. I live in constant awe of the depth of what I feel for you. And in sorrow for how much it hurts to know that it's broken, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that we should fix it.

I love you, YAE. And I don't want to call you YAE.... I want you to be the BBFE, or even BHE

But you're not. And possibly never will be again.

And I'm scared and hurting.

I'm writing this here, because I'm still putting my thoughts together about what to say to you, and I'm reasonably confident that you don't really read this blog often, so the likelihood of you reading this before I email you back is slim, but on the off chance you do and you have thoughts... it's okay if you email me first.

Just sayin'

but the hour draws late, and this little bunny must get her ass in gear if she wants to get to work on time....

I love you.

Forever yours,

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm no expert and I will probably just sound dumb but here goes...

I have learned from experience that when you are meant to be together, it happens. It doesn't matter where you are in life, life will find you when the time is right. It doesn't always happen right away, could even take 10 years or so. But when the time is right, you will know it. It will find you.

PS. Don't forget about me. I'm here always, no matter how repetitive you think your rants are. I'm here.