Thursday, February 10, 2011

In which tryph knows what her constant is

Weeks like this one, I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to do it.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I can, or if there is even a point to it anymore.

When I made the decision to leave, I knew I'd be moving. In moving, I knew that BC wouldn't be coming with me. It would be unfair to him to move him from a school that he is thriving in. It would be unfair to him to take him from familiar surroundings when he has to deal with a very tough transition. I'm already being terribly unfair to him... I decided I couldn't be even more unfair than that.

And my hours at work make it pretty impossible for me to be there for him after school, or for dinner, or to put him in bed. Hell, as it is I hardly see him now. I honestly thought that while it would be hellishly hard, that I would be able to roll with it.

Then yesterday morning, I'm at the lowest I've been in a while. It was a morning after a night of broken hearted sobbing, and not a lot of sleep. I woke up shaking and empty, not sure of anything at all. As I lay there in bed pondering what to do and fighting fresh waves of tears... I hear him start to stir in his room.

Within a minute he's scurried from his bed into mine to snuggle up to me for an extra few minutes of rest and relaxation before we face the day.

I lay there now watching his sleepy relaxed face. The steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. His perfect shaggy sleep tousled hair. He blinks open his eyes, looks at me and tells me he loves me and rolls over and snuggles closer to me.

In that moment I know I'll be okay. That no matter what life throws at me, no matter how much my heart hurts and is broken... I'll be okay. I'll be okay because of, and for him.

And it makes me wonder how I can do this, face the world without the only constant I've ever had.

How can I live apart from him?

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