Monday, February 7, 2011

In Which Tryph attempts to find balance in chaos

Sometimes my life moves too fast even for me to keep up with it.

This, faithful readers, is one of those times.

Between quitting my job, and going back in another capacity; leaving the ex and the family fallout and drama it's creating; apartment hunting and knowing that it'll be May before I can actually move; anxiety and being medicated for the first time in my life; and my normal, general psychosis and neurosis.

I'm happier and healthier than I have been in a very long time... but that doesn't stand or shit when I'm as manic as I am.

The sad days are fewer and further between now... and I can pretty well always tie it to my personal 'cycle'; but when they hit, they're epic terrible.

There was a time in the not so distant past that I liked who I was becoming.

I'm not so sure anymore.

I feel like I've stopped moving forward. I feel like life has crashed into me, knocked me down and kept going. I suppose it's better that I'm not feeling swept away... but I don't feel like I'm moving forward anymore. It feels like I've stopped, and I find myself questioning if it's worth it.

I kept pushing myself because I was looking for my happy, because I was trying to be whole. And now, I'm happy, but I'm clearly not whole.

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