Tuesday, June 15, 2010

In Which Shana is a turtle

I am, I pull into myself when things get tough.

I wasn't always like this. I used to reach out, and rely on friends and family to be there for me, but that all changed in the last 10 years. Honestly though, it changed before that, but there was a period of time where I thought I could reach out and cling to the people I thought loved me.

Then a few things happened.

I got some REALLY BAD advice from my mom when I reached out to her. The advice she gave me, especially coming from a woman who was married to a man who beat the living shit out of her for over 10 years, was pretty epic on the scale of bad advice.

My 'best' friend and self proclaimed 'sister' (she proclaimed it, not me) would emotionally bitch slap me when I'd cry on her shoulder. She'd just basically let me know that while she'd be there for me, she wasn't happy about it, and it was an inconvenience.

And I've had other friends effectively 'close the door' on our friendship as I'd cling. This, faithful readers, has happened more than once.

This isn't to say I've never had good friends, that I've never had people who cared about me, or who haven't listened to me and my dramatic troubles. But the people who did turn their backs did so in such a way that it left scars.

In short, I figure that if i'm feeling rather negative, I'd rather not tax the tentative friendships I HAVE formed with my dramatic life. And because they are fairly tentative relationships, I figure that no one really WANTS to know about all my drama.

I know, a new friend told me that the scars of the past shouldn't impact the friends of the future. Sadly I haven't quite grasped that point yet.

That, and One of the negative things I'm dealing with is the fact that I think the world wouldn't care if I got sucked into a hole never to be seen again.

BUT THAT, faithful readers, is a whole other story.

So I hide from email, twitter and Facebook... but the blog carries on, as it's designed to do(seriously, this blog would keep posting for another week or two after the zombie apocalypse). Thanks for putting up with me, and I hope that one day I'm not a turtle anymore.


Sari said...

I miss you. :(

kjh1972 said...

I'm not sure what link led me here, but I really like your blog. I used to have one myself, but kinda gave up on it a while back. Anyway, I got thinking after reading this post that I have gone through something similar myself over the past couple of years... I had a problem where all I wanted was for people to listen to me, and help me work it out, and not just tell me what they thought I wanted to hear. It drove me crazy that to me they were not being supportive or providing encouragement. After a while, I realized that they were simply doing what they thought was best for me. The only problem was that it still didn't help. It's hard to find someone to talk to who can provide objective support I guess.