Wednesday, June 23, 2010

In Which Shana has a bleeding heart

Someone once referred to me as Tryph the Golden Hearted (FMJ from the KC*)

Now, I try to pass myself off as this hard nosed bitch who will destroy you if she has the chance. And while I am admittedly prone to violence, or at least prone to making people think I am, I am generally a tender hearted softie.

Don't get me wrong, back me into a corner, or come between me and my child, and I will own you. Hell hath no fury like mine. I DO carry with me a rage unlike any you've likely encountered. And when necessary, I do exude that rage and violence like a pheromone (which I think is where the nickname Face Kicker came from).

There's a big but here.

I have this problem where while I can harness a shitstorm of anger, and rage like a hellcat, I am compassionate to a fault.

As deeply as I can hate, and as fiery as I can rage, I love and FEEL twice as deeply.

If I love you, if I care for you, if you NEED anything at all, I'm the kind of person who will feel your pain. I will let you cry on my shoulder. I'll hold you until the hurting stops. In that respect, I truly have a golden heart.

There's a problem though. A really really big one.

You pair this intense compassion, empathy and love with someone who has a ginormous hateon for herself, and you get something really quite awful to be honest. You get someone who will lay the world down at your feet. You get someone who will let those she cares for walk all over her. You get someone who will put everyone else's happiness before her own. Even at the expense of her own.

This, faithful readers, is where I am, and have been for the last few months.

There are lessons that people need to learn in order to function in life. I honestly think the first one is learning to love YOURSELF and from there most things will fall into place.

I'm honestly not sure HOW I can learn this lesson. I know that my friends were helping me learn this, but when I did something that really hurt someone in my life and it reset the counter to zero. I need to find my own self worth, and at the end of the day it has to come from ME. External sources can HELP, they can shine a light, but it's got to come from within.

I guess what I'm saying is, bear with me. I'll figure it out. I'll learn to love me and to love life. And once I get that, maybe I'll accept that I can't make anyone truly happy, and sometimes in order to preserve your own happiness, other people might get hurt.

I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to handle that last one though.

*There is no KC

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