Thursday, May 20, 2010

In which Shana has a terrible thought

Last night, as I lay in bed not sleeping, I had a terrible thought.

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
Like an unwanted room-mate drunk on wine
It feeds on my happiness won't pay the rent
I must take proper measures to evict it

No, I will not share what this thought was. It's too terrible for me to repeat or to say out loud, so you will have to take my word for it when I say that it was a pretty awful thing to think. And it shocked me how easy it was for me to even think it.

I must stay calm you know and I must be clear
It's gonna take a hundred thoughts to make this one disappear
A train like that could travel a soul for years
A terrible thought could have a terribly long career

And in a climate where I'm not sleeping much, and having a hard time calming my mind to a point where I can sleep... thoughts like this don't help. I go from being relaxed and happy in a dream like fantasy, to thinking something so awful that I am instantly ashamed.

What minds have you shredded
I bet they regretted
Having ever thought you up
Just look at you shine
Commiting your crimes
You know I don't want you in my mind

The worst part? It wasn't the thought itself. It was how quickly I was able to justify having it.

(Lyrics from Terrible Thought by Poe)

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