Wednesday, April 7, 2010

In which Shana is sick to death of the crossroads

You know, the one I've been sitting at for the better part of the last month or so.

It's very similar to the one that I was at 3 years ago, where I chose left instead of right.

There is a very different landscape around it though.

It's just a very BIG life changing choice. And this time around, there are a few other twists and quirks that make it THAT much more difficult to MAKE the choice.

And I wonder if this is the SAME crossroads. Maybe last time I was here, I didn't really choose, I just stood still and abdicated responsibility.

What's REALLY sad, is that I laid all my cards out on the table for those who need to see the cards. and for the first time in my life, I feel like I found what I was looking for. The sad part about it is that too much time, and stuff has passed for me to really accept it for what it is.

It just makes it harder/easier to breathe. To decide. To live.

I mean, that's what this comes down to at the end of it all, isn't it? It's about living. To steal a line from Buffy "The hardest thing in this world... is to live in it."

And it is.

I am currently NOT living in it. I am currently hiding from it. Hiding in a world of fantasy, and computer games. Hiding behind a veil of tears, and pain.

For a long time I was okay with this. I didn't mind the fact that crying daily was just a part of life. I didn't mind that I didn't have real, meaningful human connections with anyone (but an 8 year old boy).

Then I started to wake up.

I started getting glimpses of what life could be like if I let go of the fear, the doubt, the hurt. If I found the strength, and the bravery to open the door of my (unlocked) cage.

And as this happened... people in my life, both in person and online, started pushing me to LIVE, whatever living meant to me.

Now I'm confused, lost, and hurting... wanting and knwoing I could have something better. It's just so hard to move, to live, to change and to make choices.

I have to have faith in the fact that one day I will figure it out.

Everything happens for a reason. Each and every little thing.

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