Friday, March 12, 2010

In which Shana takes the red pill

Isn't it great when things hit you like a (metric) tonne of bricks in the shower?

I've been very confused this week.

What it's like is this.

I don't make friends easily. I've covered this before, and do not feel the need to get into it any more than that at this point.

Lately, I've had a lot of new people come into my life. People I care enough about to call friends. People that have touched my heart. A lot of people, and a lot of love, in my life, all at once.

It's been scary.

One friend has stood out more than most. Not to say that this is a BETTER friend, or anything like that, but I've found myself drawn closer to this person than perhaps was a good idea. And maybe it was a bad idea to keep talking once this was realized, and this is why I've had a lot of confusion.

I've been asking myself WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

And then I started talking to MAP. And we got onto a subject she was handling, and we both decided that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. And while I was saying this to her, I tried figuring out what my reasons were.

It's no secret that I'm in a very bad place. Things are tough for a lot of reasons, some that I've covered, so I'm not going to get into it. But, my self loathing and self hatred is plainly evident to the random passer by. I almost revel in how much I hate myself. And I don my cloak of invisibility and I hide inside myself, and inside my hate.

So when things started to go sideways, part of me wanted to retreat, and part of me wanted to embrace the changes. I did a little of both. I hid from the situation, while chasing a dream.

I know this makes me a little bit terrible, but stick with me a moment. I have REASONS that aren't terrible. They're actually VERY good.

It hit me, very hard in the shower just now, that the inappropriate feelings are ENTIRELY appropriate.

They're all for me.

Take a moment to wrap your head around that one.

My friend made a comment... it was something about someone else seeing the good in me making me 'wake up' so to speak. This friend was 100% correct. They held a mirror up, and as I looked into it, I started to fall in love.

with me.

In my confusion I mistook this for something OUTSIDE of me. I can't even LIKE myself, let alone care about myself. But this is exactly what happened. My dearest friend, all of my friends really, helped me see ME for who I am, and for what is good about me.

I love them all for it.

thank you, to all of you.

now I'm going to take the red pill, and see how deep this rabbit hole goes :)

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