Wednesday, February 3, 2010

In Which Shana Spins Her Wheels

That's what I feel like I'm doing.

Spinning my wheels.

When I was a kid all I wanted to do was write, and take photos.

And that's All I still want to do.

I got sucked into the corporate world, and I lost who I was. Two and a half years ago, I left that world, for good. And life has been... tough in a lot of ways. I know who I am. I'm finding my creative soul again. Sadly though, I'm not finding where I fit into the world where I can make money.

Long story short, I'm terrified of becoming a cog. I know what I'm like. I know that I try to succeed and excel at everything I do, and that this is a GOOD thing. Except that I take it from 10 to 11, which often means that I leave my ME on the side of the road, and become like the Borg and assimilate.

I can't let myself do that. I know I can't.

So this time when I found myself out of work, I tried to go back to school.

And got declined.

And rather than trying to find what went wrong... maybe not sending enough information, or applying after the start date, I laid down and cried and let it go. I did not fight. I did not rage. I just accepted that it wasn't meant to be.

Now, I'm a big believer in fate. Sometimes things fall into place. Sometimes things happen the way they're supposed to. I got fired from my corporate job because it was just WRONG for me.

I also believe that we have to MAKE our own fate. Things won't always JUST happen. Sometimes you have to make them happen.

I made goals this year. Goals to be more social, and more creative. And in the last month I have failed.

Instead of embracing my inner extrovert, I have embraced my outer introvert. I've been a little better when it comes to talking to people on the Internet, but I can count on one hand how many times I've left my sanctuary last month.

things have to change. I just don't know how to do it.

so... umm... halp?


Melina and Denise said...

You have no idea how much I relate. Both Melina and I work for a bank and luckily make enough money that we can just get by (roommates) working 25 hours a week. We spend the rest of our time working on the ETSY shop and, for myself, writing because there is no way I can stay at this job forever. I'm turning 38 in a week and still fighting tooth and nail to get to the life that I want - successfully making and selling jewelry and writing as a living.

Trying to find a balance is BRUTAL! But as long as you are moving towards what you want you will eventually get there.

eva said...

I can relate as well.. I wish real life was more like a game, so I could enter the secret cheat code:P

Dr. E. James Speruli said...

Do what it is that you want to, go out and make some of that fate. And if you have to steal to get it, do it. If you need to be a little loud, everyone loves a little civil disobedience. Get some friends together and start doing what you really want to do, whatever it happens to be.