Friday, February 5, 2010

In Which Shana considers childish things

As I'm sure you'll be able to tell shortly into this post, I am still in a funk.

Please feel free to turn back now. I promise that the next posts I write (while they may not be uplifting of the spirit) will not be as depressing and negative.

I've documented the changes in my life. The loss of job, the subsequent finding of 'me' my negativity, etc. etc. etc. and I'm sitting here (at 12:30am when I should be sleeping as I plan to get up and go into the city tomorrow) thinking that maybe I'm just being a giant child.

There is backstory, but it's long and really another tale altogether, so I'll sum it up to this. People (IRL, as in in my house/family people) have been ignoring me. I feel like I could run naked screaming profanities and no one would notice. And it got me a little upset.

Which led me to feel like a childish baby.

Which got me to thinking about my life in general.

In a short (approximate) 16 months, I will be 30. Even scarier than that is 2.5 months later, my kid is going to be 10.

While that doesn't blow my mind as much as the thought of it once did, a few things about me started to bug me.

When do I put my childish things to rest and become the ADULT role model for my boy?

I spend a lot of time playing video games. I read books about vampires and werewolves. I have a lot (LOT) of tshirts with custy slogans, and images that are wonderfully geeky. I buy clothes that are fantastic, but not practical in every day life (seriously, a floor length black lace skirt is WIN, but FAIL when shopping... you have no idea how many shelves I've gotten caught on at Wal-Mart). I cling to the hope of dreams (writing and photos) rather than settling into something more practical. I participate in contests that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I buy tights that are clearly marked 'novelty' and incorporate them into my daily style.

In essence... I'm a kid.

I've had a year to find the person I could have been if life hadn't come at me so fast (really, in the year I turned 20, I got married, and had a baby. Not to mention becoming a homeowner before I was 22).

The hubs says I've wasted the last 2 years. And he's right (although to him he means wasted them because I haven't forced myself to drive forward with creative pursuits i.e. writing/photography), I have wasted this year.

I just think I wasted it not trying to rebuild my career. I think I wasted it not falling back into the machine as the cog I was.

I sort of feel like I should be like the little man's friends moms and dads. Boring, conventional, practical, normal. I kind of wonder if I'm messing him up by NOT being like them. Maybe I should just become the cog I was. Maybe it's time to lay childish things to rest.

Or maybe I'm just overtired, and sad.

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