Friday, January 29, 2010

In which Shana is anything but the picture you've taken

I'm not what you think I am.

Okay, I'm what most of YOU think I am. I'm a young woman sitting behind a keyboard pouring her(bleeding heart)self out onto the Internet.

A friend of mine (Mrs. AP) commented that she liked to read my blog. She said something about me not really hiding. I know that's not the verbiage she used, but it's close enough for my own purposes here.

And I am. When I write here, it's an unflinching look at myself and my life. I do not shy away from my darker parts. I don't hide the fact that I'm as much of a shit as everyone else. I do not claim to be perfect.

I told her that it was easy to do from behind a keyboard. It's easier to be who you are, and not hide when you're pseudo-anonymous. Granted, a number of people I know IRL read this blog. But the way I see it, I'm not going to document something here that I would not say straight up to their faces. More often than not, my argument becomes far more refined when I type it out than if I was to blurt it out in person.

But then it's easier to stop and think when you're behind a keyboard.

A lot of things are easier when you've got the keyboard as your buffer.

Anyhow, this train of thought got me a little sad. I AM realer, more genuine, sincere, more ME on the Internet.

9 times out of 10, the girl you see in person is an actor. She covers her self confidence and awkwardness issues by either being shy and trying to fall into the floor, or by being a boisterous storyteller. Sometimes she has to bring both of them out of her pocket to make it through a social gathering.

it got me thinking though. Just WHO am I when I'm out in public? I don't think I know anymore.

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