Wednesday, January 13, 2010

In which it's driven me before...

And it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal...

Fear that is. I am scared of EVERYTHING!

I'm afraid people will think I'm dumb.
I'm afraid people will think I look dumb
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid I'm being ignored.
I'm afraid that I'm not talented.
I'm afraid I'm not enough
I'm afraid to fail
I'm afraid to succeed.

I think you get the point.

When I was a kid, I (much like I'm sure every other kid out there) knew I was destined for something GREAT! I was 5 when I decided I wanted to write, and about 7 or 8 when I discovered a love for photography.

When I was a teen, I dedicated a lot of hours to writing, and I have several novels that I started. There's a poetry anthology or two as well. And since we were dirt poor, I didn't have much of an opportunity to play around with cameras. I did steal my moms on a regular basis, but it was just a little point and shoot model. Not bad, but still not great, you know?

Flash forward to about 2 years ago, and I got my first DSLR (although I had use of a 35mm SLR that I still have and desperately want OUT of my house).

Anyhow... the point of this entry is that I've been so freaking terrified of failing that I look for any excuse to show me that I just shouldn't' bother trying.

For instance, I haven't REALLY written much since I showed my hubs a poem I'd written years ago, when I was VERY troubled. It dealt with feelings of betrayal, and suicidal thoughts and trying to get through it.

I have to admit, it was pretty juvenile writing, but nothing prepared me for his reaction. He laughed. And I shut down. Yes his reaction was insensitive, but I did over react.

I do the same thing with photos.

I have approximately 8-12 gig of photos on my hard drives. I've got about 10-20 that I think are any good. I take this to mean that I am a crappy photographer, and should just quit.

Here's the thing. I can tell you the difference between a photo and a snapshot (which is the bulk of my harddisc) and I can tell you what went wrong in a photo. I'm pretty sure a crap photographer wouldn't be able to learn from the mistakes they made. I can, and do.

But I'm too scared to actually do anything about what I've learned. I'm as afraid to succeed as I am to fail. In my mind, it's better to stand still rather than be knocked back.

Anyhow... I heard the song Drive by Incubus on the radio the other day. It was a song that was my 'theme song' years ago when I was feeling a little more confident... and I think I needed to hear it now, to help me move forward. I'll share a few of the lyrics, and I think you'll understand what I mean

Sometimes, I feel the fear of
uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself
how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

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