Wednesday, September 23, 2009

In which Shana spends too much time outside

I spend far too much time seeking external validation.

I'm working on it, but I do have a bit of a problem with selfesteem/selfworth issues.

In short, I tend to think of myself as a talentless, worthless, bag of crap.

I know I know, but that's not the point of the post.

When it comes to my creative tasks, the way I dress, my makeup, my hair... pretty much all of it... I look to others to make me feel better about myself, and whatever it is. More often than not, I ask the hubby "are you sure I don't look dumb?" or last weekend before going to the workshop I sent a message to Wyera asking if it was okay for me to go since I'm such a n00b.

And why I blog. I blog because I don't think people really want to hear my thoughts or feelings, but I feel REALLY good when I open gmail to find a comment. I keep blogging so I can keep getting validated.

The Internet makes it quite easy for me to find and get validation. But it also makes it easy for me to fall flat to earth again. A random offhand comment (in real life or blog) about something I've done, can take me from being high on cloud nine, down into the pits again. More often than not the comment is innocent in nature. They're just trying to be encouraging, but at the time it just doesn't feel that way.

This little princess, has to understand that a)not everyone is mean and b) she really is good enough.


Vicky M said...

I had some annonymous jerk tell me on my LJ (in response to a super cute outfit I was wearing) that I'm too old to be dressing the way I do. It took me weeks to get back into my cute outfits >.<

You're super awesome and I love it when you post pics of your outfits. I especially like your steam/goth combination attire.

Keep up the good work *hug*

Maddie said...

u have a great personality and sense of style. try to care about the opinions of people who really matter and bear in mind that some people wont like u unless u change this or that. in the end its not worth it.

and speaking of jerks i had some random guy who told me i look ridiculous in my pigtails the other day:)

Shana-Marie said...

Vicky - So far, I haven't gotten anything but compliments verbally or in blogland... In my head though, I can feel the stares and disapproval of the older generations. And then there's the looks I get from the fashionistas, but who really cares what they think, right!?

Maddie - Pig tails are made of win, and don't ever forget it. I remember I was at work one day way back when, and someone asked if I was dressed up like a farmer or something. Before I could respond, someone I didn't even know jumped in and said "no, they're just Shana, and that's that".

At the end of the day I need to remind myself that I'm not always going to have everyone's approval, but as long as I have my own approval, I'm good!