Tuesday, September 1, 2009

In Which Shana says ttfn

Dear You,

When we were young, and I was stupid, I thought we were the best of friends. We were close and spent a lot of time together...

At least I thought we were close.

I remember talking on the phone one day with a common 'friend' of ours. When I said to this friend that I felt that the two of us were 'best friends', well, they flipped. Screaming into the phone that I didn't know what I was talking about. That we were barely even friends let alone best friends.
I hung the phone up that day feeling hurt and confused. I wondered if the person on the line was right, were we never that close? That phone call, coupled with various rumors, and my own unstable nature, led to our friendship dissolving.

For years there was no contact. And while this sucked for me, it was sort of like a bandaid being pulled off. Quick, and fairly easy. There's always residue, but at least it was easier than the alternative.

Then there was a flurry of contact again. Not so much a flurry, but there was contact. And I felt that we were friends, that we had the chance of being close, like we once were.

Certain life events show me that this is just not possible. Not at this time at least. It's just not something I am prepared for right now.

I'm very much on the outside, and I am looking in. I am not able to handle this. I can't just watch from afar, wondering if we can ever be what I thought we were. Not when I know it just won't happen. You've built a life for yourself, and I am not a part of it. You've got wonderful friends, and there just isn't any place for me, if there ever was.

So with this, I sign off. I say TTFN, or ta ta for now.

love always,
Shana

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