Wednesday, August 5, 2009

In Which Shana Wishes she was Someone else

This, I am sure, sounds far more dramatic than I intend it.

What I mean is, something like, 5 years ago* I was pretty darned close to being someone I liked. Granted, I still didn't like me, and those who've been around long enough know that I haven't ever really liked myself, but still, I was fairly comfortable in my own skin.

These were the days that I embraced myself as who and what I was. I didn't like me, but I accepted me. And I'd go out to parties thrown by a friend who knew Everyone and I'd have a great time. There were people I'd spend the night talking to, or eating candy off of. Literally. I used to be the girl who'd bring candy necklaces to these things, and offer them out with the caveat that you had to share your necklace, while wearing it.

I would laugh, and giggle, and drink and talk. All night, I'd wander around chatting and having fun. I still wasn't happy, but I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness. The way the hubby puts it, I didn't feel so pathetic, useless and without purpose.

And I think he may be right. 5 years ago, I still wrote. I could write shitty poetry, or get started on any one of the various novels I have in my head. Now... nothing. I can barely get these blog entries out.

The hubby is desperate to get me back to school. He thinks that's where I'm going to find my mojo and hopefully get it back.

I just wish I could be someone else. Me from 5 years ago.

* This is a number I picked out of the air. I didn't go an analyze my life or anything.


eva said...

What would you study if you went back to school? Can you afford it? Learning new stuff makes me feel good about myself, maybe it would give you a confidence boost too!

Shana-Marie said...

Hubby thinks I should study something like Journalism, as that can parlay into Popular Culture Degree at Uni... I question what I could do with a PopCulture degree... but I do admit it would be super fun. And I do love to write.

As for affording it... I'm examining getting the government to cover it, or a student loan. Either way, It just might be what I need to get back to being me again, and not a depressed brat.