Wednesday, July 8, 2009

In which Shana doesn't dance anymore

But she still procrastinates like nobodies business!

It's been a while, and I don't want to be quite as much of a pessimist to say that I don't remember ever being happy. I know there have been a number of moments where I've felt love, carefree and some semblance of happy. I know there have been times that I've managed to throw off the blanket of depression....

I just don't quite recall how long ago the last one was.

Depression is a funny thing. It's like the sword of Damocles. Always there, always persistent, and you never know when or where it'll strike. There are even times that I don't quite know HOW it'll come at me. Perhaps the wind will blow it ever so slightly so it comes swinging down, rather than straight down.

Needless to say, I'm unhappy.

I'm not quite sure how to fix it, nor if it can be 'fixed' persey, but I'm at an impasse. Something HAS to give. SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

I'm lost, and I need to find myself. I need to dance again.
Right, that's the title of the post. I used to bounce around the house with music blaring dancing and singing along while I did chores. More often than not, you'd catch me lip syncing into a broom, or candle or various toys I pick up on a daily basis.

I haven't done that in a long time, and I want it back.

Dancing like that, it's... I don't know. In those moments, it's like I didn't care if the world was watching.

And there's the rub. I didn't care. I may not have been happy then, but at least I was I felt free. Free enough to be me.

Now... I feel trapped by myself, and my preconceived notions about what people think of me, or what they might think of me. More often than not, I don't talk, go out, or interact with most people because I'm paralyzed by fear. Fear of screwing up. Fear of sounding stupid. Fear of finding out that people don't really like me and are just humoring me.

All the time, I'm scared, and it's leading me to have panic attack and crying jags.

I don't like it.

I need to make changes. I plan to make changes, I just need to make a plan to implement.

More on this to come.

2 comments:

Sari said...

Agreed. I need to dance again too.

I have every reason in the world to be happy, but sometimes the depression just ignores all that.

Sigh.

eva said...

I totally relate to this..