Friday, July 24, 2009

In which I drop the mask

Well not really, but sort of...

if that makes any sense.

The Internet gives me a degree of anonymity, a degree of freedom that I don't enjoy in real life. I feel like I can say what I want, or what I feel on the Internet without the fear of seeming stupid.

That's where most of my anxiety comes from. Feeling worthless, and stupid, and like no one really wants to hear what I have to say. So when I'm in a social situation, I feel awkward talking to people because they don't have much choice BUT to listen to me. Granted, more often than not (because I'm fairly soft spoken if I'm not on a tangent) I get interrupted or spoken over etc.

But yea, I generally feel like no one really wants to hear what I have to say.

On the blog/twitter... people have a choice to read/respond to me. So, I feel like I can say and do whatever I want here, simply because if you like it, you'll read it, if you don't you won't. I have a devil may care attitude here. An attitude I wish I could have in real life, but I'm not sure I can master it.

Blank stares and glazed eyes are all I can take when I make some random pop culture reference that 85% of people miss. Or word play that no one gets. I wind up feeling pretty stupid when people don't quite catch what I'm saying. At least on the Internet, I can't see the blank expressions or the eye rolls. I can be confident when those who I'm speaking to have masks. I can drop mine when you wear yours.

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