Sunday, June 21, 2009

In Which Shana thinks she might be Twofaced

You know... this might be two faced... but it's not something I wouldn't say to her face... so here goes.

Open letter to You....

When we talk, I feel your pain. It cuts me to the very core to hear the things you say, to feel the way you feel. It goes well beyond empathy to knowledge. It's more than just feeling it with you, it's having felt similar pain before, and even know.

Your pain though, it's amplified when you show it to me. I see it/feel it/know it as if it was me, only it's me shouting through a bullhorn or a loudspeaker with a heavy baseline. It shakes me, and rocks me.

I have to wonder, is this what it was like for people who I used to reach out to? Is it more, is it less? I know there are times that I hate my life... well not so much my life, but my circumstances... just like I said to you today. But I've said it. I've said nasty resentful things about my husband, and even my son from time to time.

I don't hate them, and I don't resent them... but in those instances I spouted it off... much like you have. I don't think you hate anyone. I think you're unhappy, hurting, angry, and a lot of it is being directed at yourself. I can't even begin to understand why, but I am committed to being there for you. You can scream, shout and say whatever you want to, whatever you need to, and I will not hold it against you.

I will be there because you need someone to be there. I will be there, because I have been and will be where you are. I will be there, and I will not ever in a million years make you feel bad for it . I know you will feel bad, you'll feel as if you're burdening me, but trust me when I say it is no burden, and I am strong enough to be your rock if you need it.

I will be there because so many others weren't there for me. Or when they were, they made sure I knew that it was a burden, which made it worse, and made me push them away. I will be there because... well.... because I can.

Okay... so less two faced, and more just good friendery... Guess I'll just have to go and get some make up (too faced) to make it two faced.

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