Saturday, June 13, 2009

In which Shana Feels sorry for herself

I am not very good at making personal connections.

This, isn't me feeling sorry for myself, it's a documented fact. I generally don't make personal connections with people.

Simply put, I don't trust people, and as such I don't open up. Even if they haven't done anything to lose my trust... I just... I expect people to disappoint me. And I honestly don't think anyone really cares. There have been just so many people in the past who said they cared, said they loved me... and then turned their back.

In an average day, I'll talk to 2 maybe 3 people. My husband, my child and my mother. It's sad, but that's the extent of my social circle these days. This is why I tend to say that I don't really have friends.

There are plenty of people on my MSN list that I'm sure I could reach out to. Right now, I have 5 people logged in that have at one point or another called themselves my friend... but do I ever reach out? No. And why don't I? Because I don't want to bother them.

Because I feel like even talking to me is too much of a burden.

Why the hell would ANYONE want to spend time with or talk to me? I'm just a stupid, depressed gas bag that spends too much time whining and complaining.

I long for social connection.... but I don't reach out for it. And I know, it's not anyone's responsibility to reach out to me, especially when they have in the past. I know that I'm lonely because of my own choices. I also know that it's not going to change any time soon.

And this makes me sad. It makes me hurt like you wouldn't believe.

I just wonder.... *deleted self pitying morbidness*

I don't know where I'm going with all of this, but I'm just feeling sad and very lonely right now. And a little angry at myself.

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