Saturday, June 6, 2009

In which Shana discusses emoitonal break downs and children

I don't think people really realize just how they impact their children.

I think we realize that they'll end up picking up our mannerisms and maybe the odd phrase, but I'm not sure most people realize it goes far deeper than that. I know I didn't, not at first. I do now, but then I had my eyes opened.

For the first few years of my son's life, I was full of rage, depression, and hate. To a certain extent I still am, but I have outlets for it, and I have a better handle on keeping myself even keeled. But for that time, I'd cry on a regular basis, I'd scream, I'd scratch my flesh, cut myself... there were even times I'd take too many pills because I knew I'd at least sleep and wouldn't have to feel.

Needless to say, I wasn't presenting a very good front for my son. And I didn't quite get just how it impacted him.

That is until....

He would hit himself, not hard, but he'd hit himself in the head. When things would go awry with friends, my mother said she saw RAGE in his eyes. And he'd say he sucked.

Now, I know he wouldn't get this from anyone treating him poorly. I mean, every day, several times a day I give him praise, and tell him he's loved, appreciated, and awesome. It's a common phrase for me to say "Hey little man, have I told you in the last X-period of time, how awesome you are?"

I never got that from my mother, so I make sure he gets it from me. This boy will know he's loved.

So where was he getting this anger that he was directing at himself?

And it hit me... not literally, but it hit me. He was getting it from me. That's when I realized that I really needed help. I tried going on antidepressants, but they made me low. And the doctor I saw wasn't hip to psychology, (he even told me that talking doesn't help, it was a bull shit idea dreamed up by the media). So I tried finding different things to help me through my stuff.

I blogged, I wrote, and it helped, but not enough. I was mostly under control, but I'd still trigger more often than I should. I went on vitamin B, I exercised, ate better, and this has gotten me here, where I'm good unless I'm PMSY, and then I'm a lose cannon. I'm going to play around with my vitamin B dose based on my cycle and see if I can level myself off, and if not, I'll be bringing it up at my next annual check up.

Anyhow, when I started to even out, so did he. He doesn't hit himself. He doesn't carry the same rage in him. And as long as it keeps him stable, I need to be stable too. He's very important.

I just wish other people saw that. (note this is not directed at anyone whom I know reads the blog... it's just an observation I've made about various people. My mother's friends... I'll tell you a story about her too... it just breaks my heart)


eva said...

I think it's frightening that a doctor could dismiss such an established treatment as theraphy.. I would have liked to ask him about what sort of medical evidence was he basing his view of therapy on.

Therapy helps if you find the right therapist. If you keep having problems, you might want to try it.

Shana-Marie said...

I'm pretty sure he was a quack. It was at a walk in clinic, so I think he was just used to people seeking narcotics and looking for excuses not to work.

So far... I'm having success in my personal life by using this blog as therapy, if ever I run into something that I need professional help with though, I plan to ignore the quacky doctor and find someone who can help me.