Thursday, April 23, 2009

What the F*** am I doing here?

So Radiohead is still sort of a theme.

The hubs used to rant and rail at me for being so damned ordinary. For accepting my own mediocrity. I used to just scream back that I was nothing but a fucking cog, and that if he didn't like it, he might as well get the fuck out.

Nowadays, he doesn't yell at me about it, he just looks sad and tells me that I'm more beautiful and wonderful and special than I'm willing to see. That he wishes I could see myself as he sees me.

Because I'm a fucking bitch who really hates myself (I seriously have a deep well of rage and hatred for myself) I generally snap back something about him eventually leaving me because he a) can't put up with me, b) found someone he can relate to, or c) he realized just how much of a fuck up I truly am.

It's just... he's special. He's got so much talent. Gods... I'm going to be putting up some of his music once it's finished and he gives me the go ahead. It's GOOD... if you like his kind of music. It's GOOD and he's TALENTED and I'm just.... I'm nothing. I'm ordinary. I'm boring. I'm the kind of person that no one likes, they just put up with them.

Just ask anyone who used to be friends with me. Ask them why they're not friends with me. I'm sure they'll say that I'm exhausting, and that it's hard to be around me for long periods of time. Thus, I have no person in life that I can call, talk to, that will listen to me and my bull shit anymore.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just more of my bullshit and self pity. Welcome to my pity party.

1 comment:

eva said...

it's good your man has changed his tactics, you should try to listen to him!