Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm a hypocrite

I really am.

Just the other day, I gave someone advice that she should cast off her insecurities, cast off her fear or rejection and isolation and take the plunge into the unknown and at worst, her fears would be realized, but she could then be secure in her knowledge, and move on from there.

And yet, here I am.

I can't commit to friendships. I burn bridges left and right so I can say I'm 'okay' with people not being in my life. I won't call the people I have a tenuous relationship with, because I don't want to let them push me away.

and I'm so fucking lonely because of it.

I'm desperate for closeness with people yet I won't open up and let people in because I'm terrified that they'll screw me over. I can't entirely blame the fact that most of the relationships I've had have done just that, because in part, it's on my head. Had I let them in, perhaps they wouldn't have shut me out.

I don't know. All I know is I'm a fucking hypocrite, and it makes me a little sad.

1 comment:

eva said...

i think most people talk about how they would like to be, their ideals etc without being able to live up to it proper. it's still good to have ideals though, i think you slowly shape your life after your ideals.. so maybe it's not just being a hypocrite, maybe it's like having goals?