Tuesday, December 23, 2008

broken promises

So, I've made, and subsequently broken several promises to myself.

I made them a few months ago and really haven't done much since.

1 - haven't written a chapter of my scifi novel
2 - if by published you mean don't write a word and don't submit it anywhere, yes I've been published... sheesh.
3 - Well... this job doesn't have to suck me into corporate America... but if I want to be able to provide for my family... I"m going to have to let it. I will however, not let it dictate who I am though.
4 - okay... so the poundage was a lofty goal, and while I didn't hit it, I'm incredibly PROUD of myself for getting to where I am.
5 - I'm a little bit more spiritual. I talk to the powers that be more (I tend to use the word goddess to communicate. It works for me, but it's not that I think that 'god' or 'goddess' has a male or female form. Just sayin is all) and I've managed to get a couple of readings out of my tarot decks... but not a lot.

So I didn't hit my goals, and my gut reaction is "meh, so what?" but not me... I can't leave it like that. I've GOT to dig a little deeper.

It's all about effort. I didn't really TRY to do anything. and here I could blame the job hunt, or depression, or the new job.... but you know what? It's not that, it's ME. I'm lazy and I didn't try.

I have to think back to the tarot reading that Arwen did for me. The one that said "Hey Shana, wake the fuck up and start doing things yourself. You're capable, and You're the only one holding you back."

And it's true. Am I disappointed in myself? Not really. Am I busy accepting that this is my nature and I can't fight it? Nope. Am I going to find a way to bring about change and get over it? Yup. Will I do it on my own? Not on your life.

I'll find a way through this and move on. Won't be over night, and I'm not going to put a deadline on it. But I'll find a way through my apathy and move on. I can promise you that.


Tarot By Arwen said...

Grin, how about giving yourself credit for baby steps. I lead a pretty lazy life myself and beat myself up for it. I didn't celebrate the Solstice other than wishing someone a Happy Solstice. I didn't do my reading like I wanted to.

I used to count the things I didn't do. Then I started doing Thursday gratitude lists. List five to ten things EVERY Thursday that you are grateful for. :)

It helped me. Maybe you will find some good in it.

Hugs, lovely Shana Marie! Baby steps count!

Shana-Marie said...

Baby steps are the way to go! I'll try the Gratitude lists, it sounds like a great idea!

Tarot By Arwen said...

I swear by baby steps and gratitude. :) I'm thankful you are my friend.