Friday, September 12, 2008

The teenage years, prologue

I'm picking up the thread here, a little before I became a teenager, because this is where a lot of my issues started to come to a head. It's so hard to pick out just one point to start on, and tell a story about JUST that because everything is so interconnected.

Anyhow, I'll start with something of an overview.

I wasn't a happy girl. I was in grade 7 or 8 and I used to excuse myself from the dinner table to cry. I couldn't sleep, and would often stay up with flashlights, or lamps, and later candles to read by. My mother thought I was just a firebug, not an insomniac.

I had friends, but I didn't know how to connect with them, so I became their sounding board. I was very good at listening to them, and giving objective views. Sadly though, I felt lonely, and very high strung.

I had terrible body image, still do, but this is when it all took root. I was short, had dark curly hair. rather than thinking it was exotic, or beautiful, I thought it was awful because it wasn't blond. I also hated my skin. I always thought that my skin had a tone to it that always made it look dirty. I just wanted to be whiter than white.

This is when things between my step-father and I would come to blows. I"m telling you, anyone who thinks it's stupid to be afraid of a blind man, hasn't had a knife thrown at exactly the place that your head was seconds before.

This is when I started with self harm, and suicidal thoughts.

I started to suffer from migraines at this time too. They were brutal, and it took almost a year for my mom to drag my ass in to the doctor to diagnose them.

In short, I was depressed. I think the normal angst just made things that much worse.

But yea, that's the cheerful story that's coming your way...

1 comment:

eva said...

i never thought i'd get sucked into reading personal blogs, but real life is often stranger than fiction, eh?
i think sometimes people just don't want to know that a child is depressed and angsty. as if it isn't possible for a child to have such feelings.