Sunday, September 7, 2008

The early years, part 7

I think this will be the last of the 'early years' posts, and it promises to be something of a montage both of images, and words. Most of the images are from Christmas time, as this was in the 'pre digital' world, and we were poor, so film wasn't something we spent money on often.

So, we moved a lot. In the time that I was in school, from Kindergarten to Grade 13 (or OAC) I went to a total of 10 different schools. Only once did a move happen in the middle of the school year, and that was when we first moved here, fleeing from my father. Besides that time, my mom would always plan moving for the summer, after school ended.

This, I think, is a huge part of why I have such problems relating to real people in real life. It's not like my mom planned it like this. It's not like she wanted to move all the time, it's just... well, like I said, we were poor. My mom didn't finish high school, and didn't go to college, but then, when you're 15, pregnant, and your boyfriend has a pretty good job, why bother with that stuff?

Anyhow, we moved a lot, and I became somewhat introverted.

It didn't help that our family was never very close. We were sort of hands off like, never talking about feelings, or really opening up to one another. You know, sometimes I'm jealous of how my mom is with my son. She tells him she loves him without any hesitation, and I don't think she was ever like that with me.

So there I grew up... always moving, never forging a great bond with my own peer group, and feeling sort of left out of everything. I grew up thinking that while my family loved me, I just didn't matter much.

Anyhow, my brothers picked on me, like all brothers do. My mother was somewhat absent, like I thought all mothers were. And father figures came and went with the weekends.

No, it wasn't that bad, not by a long shot. But then, there wasn't a lot of stability as far as that kind of thing went. My mother did have various boy friends, and they often did spend the night at our house. I think I was just glad that slimo (who's actually featured in some of the above pictures, he's the fella in the red and white sweater) was out of our lives at long last.

I know that at Christmas, I generally got everything I asked for, because well, I never asked for much. I think on some level I understood that we didn't have much money. I don't think I ever thought that we were poor, but I knew darned well that we weren't wealthy.
And I did have friends, I just didn't feel like I connected with them. I just didn't feel like I was from the same time, or cut from the same cloth as the rest of them. relationships like that really eluded me. Even now, I have a very hard time relating to people, and I think it shows in my relationships, but most of that comes later.
I think I wrote before about how it was in my preteen age life that I started to dress in black, and started trying to find just who I was, and it's taken me until now to figure it all out. I'm hoping that some day I will, but that's a story that will come out later, I think.
And that's where I will pick up on my next life story type entry

1 comment:

eva said...

i'm sorry to hear you had to move that many times, no wonder it has influenced you. getting to know someone is a bit of a project, it can take years! and i guess the rest of the family was going through the stress of moving (and the stress of whatever caused you to move)- so no wonder you weren't close, everyone was probably occupied with their own problems.

it seems like you're aware of the problematic patterns in your behaviour/emotions that all of this has caused, and that means you can change them:)