Sunday, June 22, 2008

I know I'm trying to survive

The best part of any mental breakdown is coming back together. The briefest moments of clarity always seem to come after a storm of emotion. By the time all is said and done, I will have my peace.

The hubs and I had a huge blowout today. It was over something so stupid that I don't even remember what it was, but the argument ended with him asking me something about me ever feeling included, loved, cherished by anyone. I said yes, I have. He asked who, and I stammered, afraid of the answer, and refusing to answer at the same time. My inner dialogue (which almost never stops) didn't even answer. I asked him why it mattered, and he told me that maybe I should be with them and not him.

Suddenly the anger left me. Suddenly I was just sad. I asked him if he really meant that, if he really thought that it was time to part ways. He ended up saying no. He said he was just angry, and blurted out something that he thought would hurt me.

The thing is, it didn't hurt. I wasn't hurt by his proverbial whip. I was saddened, but I didn't feel defeated, or hurt at all. I just felt, cold finality if that makes sense.

I love him dearly, I want things to work, but sometimes, and mostly like lately when I'm filled with RAGE, I just don't see the point.

I don't know, I'm pretty sure I saw something with some kind of clarity earlier, but suddenly, in the verbalization of it, I've lost it. Maybe next time I'll just stick to my tarot cards.

and now... for lyrics. Today has been a Charlotte Martin day. The song today is Every time It rains....

Every time it rains I listen to the sky
I wonder what's so great about sunshine
So everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do
(when it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never need a light to see you
You thought I'd disappear but
I was always here, oh
I could never get that far from you, though)
I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
Love me cause you can and
Not because you should

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

Take it as it comes and take me as I am
I never was a good impostor
But I know how to dream
And don't know where I stand
I'm willing to admit I try to hard
Stop playing with my heart
I'm waiting by the phone
Afraid to be myself
Afraid to be alone

But every time it rains
(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I know I'm trying to survive
And every time it rains
I'm gonna hide myself inside

Every time it rains
Every time I fall
Every time I crawl and crawl and crawl
If I'm gonna beg, I'm gonna see it all
Gonna bleed it all
And you know I'll scream and scream and scream

Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive..
I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive


Elise said...

Sorry to hear that you and your husband had a fight. I hope you're able to work through it and stay happy together. I know that whenever my husband and I have an argument, we usually say what we have to say and then go into separate rooms for awhile. We let each other cool off, talk it out, and then apologize for what we said. Sometimes there's make up sex too. ^^;

Those are really beautiful lyrics, too.

Bye the way, I added you to my contacts list on MSN. Hopefully we can chat sometime. ^^

Princess of the Universe said...

I'm sorry to hear that it wasn't your husband who has made you feel loved and cherished...