Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's all a matter of context

1 : the parts of a discourse that surround a word or passage and can throw light on its meaning
2 : the interrelated conditions in which something exists or occurs : environment, setting

Like I said, it's all just a matter of context.

Shift the context, the meaning changes.

Shift it back, and its yet again different.

Context, convex, concave...

The surface of the mirror shows the image, but the context, is all in reverse. It's obscured, blurred, changed somehow.

My pseudo-philosophical meanderings come from this. My little boy uttered words to me tonight that I wish never would have come from his mouth. He said to me "I don't like myself, and I wish I was someone else"

I'm pretty sure that if I put this statement into context, he didn't want to go to bed, and wanted me to stay and keep cuddling and reading to him, but I advised it was bedtime. Remaining stalwart, I indicated it was bedtime, and that like it or not, it was the time to sleep.

Then came the utterance of the statements above.

He was trying desperately to keep me there. Resorting to draconian emotional tactics that no 6 year old should have in their arsenal, but somehow they all do. Kids always seem to know just where to insert the knife, how much pressure to apply, and when to twist.

This, I'm sure, is what he was doing.

The nagging part of me however begs the question, just how much of that has he picked up from me? How much of what he just said based in reality?

Thinking back to growing up, thinking back to being a kid, a teenager... I cannot remember liking myself. I had a troubled childhood, and an even more troublesome adolescence...

I just never imagined that it would carry on into my own child now that I'm an adult.

Then I think... many of the issues I had when I was young, the inferiority, self image, social anxiety, disappointment.... well, I still have them now. They manifest differently, but the root of the problem is still there, plain as day...

I have to find a way to break the cycle. I need to make sure my boy feels loved, and appreciated.

I also however, need to make sure I have his remarks about not feeling loved in the CORRECT context.

And with that, I end my second rather lengthy post of the day.

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