Sunday, July 10, 2016

In Which Tryph is adamant about testing


Or not testing as the case may be.  

The story goes like this.  September 2015 I joined the local roller derby league ( http://niagararollergirls.com/ ) and I was doing pretty okay, not great but okay (meaning I don't think I would have passed my safety minimums and gone on to the next level) but I was having fun for the most part.   
Then, after a few weeks of skating, I fell and broke my arm.  I blame my own stupidity for how I fell. But I shattered the shit out of my left elbow.  

I'm not kidding when I say shattered, btw, my arm break resulted in surgery leaving me with 14 screws and three plates that I can still feel through my skin in some parts.  It wasn't pretty.  

This left me out of commission for quite some time in almost every aspect of my life.  

Back story, I am one of those lucky people who lives with a double helping of mental issues... I'm a depressed person who deals with anxiety.  My normal method of dealing with these two wonderful things is to exercise.  

Which I couldn't really do with my arm all broken.  You seriously have no idea how interconnected everything in your body is until you break something in a heinous way.  

So, my depression took hold.  My anxiety started to spike.  And I'm not even getting into unrelated personal life issues and work stuff.  It was just a very very dark and hard time for me.  

Flash forward a bit to April when NRG is doing another fresh meat intake.  

I fucking panic.  

It literally takes me about 4 weeks of waffling to finally say I'm joining, and then I spend the money to do so immediately before I can back out.  (money for insurance, dues, new elbow pads).

I fucking panic and regret my choice.  On the first day of derby, my girls at work nearly forced me out the door and I nearly cried the entire walk there.  

Once I got there, I didn't die, so I figured I could go again.  

And I did, and have gone for most of the practices.  I almost quit once, but didn't let it kick my ass too hard.  I've even started going to the gym (both because I'm unhappy with my physical state, and that the better shape I'm in, the better I'll skate).

Let me tell you this though... I fucking suck.  Not insulting myself or how far I've come... I have come so far, and will only just get better from here... but I'm terrible.  

Dealing with the fear of being back on four wheels, which was bad the first time but agony this time, and the fact that between October and April I pretty much sat on my ass eating potato chips like a slob... I'm not ready to try half the skills the rest of the group are working on.  

And this is FINE by me.  I'm good with the fact that it's taking me longer.  I've got my reasons, I push through my excuses, but I'm fucking PROUD of how far I've come and how I didn't let anything beat me.  

I'm a goddamned rockstar.  

But then came the safety testing.  It's where they assess whether or not you can skate well enough to learn about the game itself.  It's a necessary part of graduation... and right now, even if I bluffed my way through the tests and got a passing grade, I know I'm not ready at all.  

This is where the depression/anxiety thing comes in again.  

Right now I'm comfortable with the knowledge that I'm not ready.  I'm good with it, I've got peace in my heart and I'm content.  But the moment I'm assigned a failing grade, or a bench mark that unequivocally demonstrates that I'm not ready... I'm done.  

I don't think I could handle being told by a source outside of me that I'm not ready.  I just... my depression couldn't take it.  And while I've wavered a few times through training, I've managed to keep myself on point and moving forward.  While my trainers and my testers would do anything in their power to make me feel good about what I did accomplish... the score... the assessment... the test would be branded to me like permanent failure. 

So I'm adamant about not testing.  And I'm okay with it.  


Monday, July 4, 2016

In which Tryph is a self proclaimed Cardio bunny

 So I started going to the gym again recently.  I try to go 3 times a week after work.  In addition to the gym, I go for a walk after dinner.

All of this is for two things.  One, I'm tired of being fat.  I honestly can't believe I let myself get fat again after I almost hit my goal weight a few years ago.  I don't even know what to blame, other than sheer laziness.

I mean, my body isn't wired to be skinny.  I essentially have to hack my body to make it do what I want... I need to watch what I put into my body, as well as what I do to burn off what I put into it.

Last time I did this, I kept myself to 1000 calories or less, exercised 3-5 times a week, and was so stressed out that I didn't sleep and threw up a lot.

It wasn't a good time.

Anyhow, this time I'm trying to be a bit more balanced.  I have to be because losing weight isn't my only goal, I'd like to get through FreshMeat at derby next time, so I can't lose the chub irresponsibly.  I need to be smart about it.

Now to the cardio bunny part.

So I go to the gym, but I really don't do anything more than use the cardio machines.  Not because I feel like this is the best move for me.  When I'm at home, I'm doing squats, sit ups and all kinds of body weight work outs... but at the gym?  The machines terrify me.  I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should be doing.

I would love to hire a personal trainer, but I'm poor, so that's not an option at this point.  And 90% of my friends are far less athletic than me, so I'm pretty much alone.

So I'm a cardio bunny... at least until I build my compy and I'm not so broke.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

In which Shana takes a selfie

Or, why I'm okay with selfies.

People who take and post selfies on the internet or share them via text or snapchat are often considered vain little attention whores.

And this is sometimes this is the case, there are a lot of people out there that are just looking for attention when they post photos of themselves in the mirror.  They're looking for people to tell them how pretty they are, or how wonderful a person they are, or how much of a difference they make to the rest of the world.

We see it every single day.  When someone posts a near daily photo of themselves, or six of the same picture back to back to back, or my personal favourite... the all the photos are from the same godsdamned angle.

It's gross.

But, we live in a world full of ugliness.  In a world full of criticism, judgement, and hate so what's wrong with celebrating a little bit of beauty?

I know for me that's why I post selfies.  I'm someone who has little to no self esteem, so it's very rare that I feel pretty let alone beautiful so the days that I do I like to snap a picture.  I don't post them because I want the likes or the comments.  I don't post them for the validation (although I would be lying if I said it didn't feel nice).  I post them because the next time I feel hideous (which is likely to be 35 minutes after taking the picture) it's harder for me to delete it if it's on the internet.  I post it so I can maybe remember that one time *I* thought I was pretty.

So maybe think about that before you bitch about someone's selfie.  And hi-five them for feeling good about their own self, because you don't know how long it has been since the last time they did, or how long it'll be until the next time they do.

Monday, June 8, 2015

In Which Tryph doesn't Want Widow

So there's been this internet flash mob/hashtag thing dedicated to #WeWantWidow... which I sort of get.  She's a pretty cool character and people seem to think she's getting the shaft because she's female.

I beg to differ.

I'm a Hawkeye fangirl.  I would love to see more of him in his own films or on his own merch, but I'm a realist.  It just won't happen.

Why do I say that?  Because he's a regular guy.  That's his shtick.  He's just a guy who happens to be really good with a bow (at least in this version of events).  He isn't super rich and smart enough to build power armor, he isn't a god, he doesn't turn into a big green guy and he isn't a genetically altered WWII supersoldier.  He's just a guy... which is what makes him a great supporting character, but the star of his own films?  Nope.

(though I do recommend reading the comics... they're fantastic, and I love his story.  I just don't think it would translate into a 2 hour event)

And this is the same problem with Romanoff.

She's just a highly trained woman trying to atone for her past.

Her film would have her fighting her inner demons and people.  Nothing too spectacular, no giant alien armies, or anything too exotic.  Not because women can't handle themselves, but because Black Widow is just a person, highly trained, but still a person.  If she was fighting something superhuman (which we all know if what Marvel movies all have/need) she'd (much like Hawkeye) need some kind of backup... which would end up being another Avengers movie.

It's sad but true... the Regular People of the Avengers just don't have enough to them to have their own movies.

I would like to see them both on more merch though.  Both Hawkeye and Widow seem to get shafted when it comes to that.  Although, it does amuse the shit out of me when people think that people got the merch wrong when the Avengers include Spiderman.

Anyhow, that's the end of this rant.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

In Which Tryph Isn't A Writer

Once upon a time ago I was a writer.

I'm not saying I was any good, but it was something I was passionate about, something that drove me.
I'm not a writer anymore.

This isn't because I don't have ideas, or the capacity to write, the reason I'm not a writer anymore is far more simple.  I'm not a writer because I don't write.  Anything.

I've got stacks emails and messages I owe replies to.
I've got so many half started ideas.
So many half written blog posts.
I'm kind of useless at this.

Well, lately I am at least.

Today I decided to change that.

someone once told me that there's no way through writers block but through it.  That writing just needs to be a habit, something that you need to do every single day... kind of a use it or lose it thing.  And they were right.

I've let my writing slide, and always have.  I've taken it for granted that I could still call myself a writer even when I wasn't writing... but I'm realizing that I can't.  I'm not a writer, not anymore.  But it's something I can change.  It's something I will change.  I will reclaim something I always considered a birthright.

I will be a writer again.

It's just going to take some time and commitment.

Lets do this.