This is the soundtrack of this blog post. I hope the music makes it easier for me to finish writing it. I've always found music liberating like that.
I've been trying to write this blog post for about 3 or 4 months now, and just haven't been able to quite form the right words. Everything keeps coming out contrived and wrong. I haven't quite been able to hit the right tone in what I'm trying to say. There has also been the fear that anything I write here will be read into, ripped apart and reassembled, but I suppose that is always a risk that you take when you put your thoughts on the internet.
Anyhow, I'll just try to say it plainly. I have changed a lot in my life, and I will continue to change as I move through it.
Sometimes these changes have been negative. I cannot and will not deny my self destructive nature, and the times I succumbed to it. The times I blamed others for my choices and my faults. The times I spoke before I thought. The times I acted without all of the information. There are many times within my history that I did not like the person I was.
In fact I have spent a lot of time listening to the negative voices both inside and around me. No one has ever torn me down more than I have though... and this post isn't about anyone else.
A year ago, I wrote that I wanted to be deleted. I was lost in a fog of pain, and sorrow and regret. A miasma of "could have been" or "should have been" swirled in my wake.
I was full of toxicity in every sense of the word. I was bordering on alcoholism with how often I would be completely wasted. I took more pills than were absolutely necessary to sleep... sometimes for 24-48 hours at a time. And my heart was poison. Full of hate and anger and jealousy...
A year ago, and beyond that I was at a very low point. I felt like I couldn't get ahead, and in truth I couldn't because I was holding myself back.
Then things changed. I don't know what it was, but something changed. I wish I could take ownership of it myself, but I don't rightly know what caused the shift, but something caused it. Maybe it was resorting to a job I dreaded having to take. Maybe it was finally cutting ties to the man who wasn't right for me in any way. Maybe it was realizing how badly I had screwed myself financially and learning to accept help in surviving. Maybe it was finding people who chose not to dwell on darkness and negativity. Maybe it was recognizing that I was anything but fit for my son, and a major overhaul was necessary to make myself right for him.
Maybe it was all of that, or none of it. I don't know, but I know that where I am right now... a year later I'm in a much better place.
My heart still sometimes hurts, and I still sometimes cry over what could have been. I'm still not good enough in a lot of respects, but I'm more than good enough in others.
I am confident in who I am, and I don't need anyone else to tell me who I am, or what I need to be... because honestly, by the time they're done talking, I probably won't be the same.
Thanks for listening.
Geese in the Parking Lot
3 hours ago