Monday, July 10, 2017

In Which Tryph Celebrates an anniversary of sorts...

Dearest Matthew... my dear dear sweet Mojo.

It's been a very long time since I wrote to you.  Years I think... but it's not often that a day goes by without me thinking about you.... when I'm not grateful for you... where I don't hear the words you never actually said (but wrote) to me.

It's hard to believe that only 7 years have passed since we last corresponded.  Seven years where I've built myself up, crumbled and built myself up again.

7 years wherein I know I was never alone... you were always there cheering me on from the side lines.

You know... I can't go out in rain without thinking about you?

Anyhow... there's so much that I want to say that I'm overwhelmed to the point of being completely inarticulate.  I don't know what to say because I want to say it all.

So instead of a long letter explaining things that you've watched over already... I'll just raise a glass to you.  The man who saved me in so many ways.

Without you I don't think I'd be in the glorious city I'm living in now... I don't think I'd finally be becoming the woman I think you always knew I was.  Thank you Matthew Mojo.  And thank you for these words.  Whenever it gets too dark.... I just repeat them to myself... <3 p="">
Love always,

Tryph (aka, Shana-Marie)

Saturday, August 20, 2016

In Which Tryph is a terrible friend and a body shamer...

I don't honestly believe this to be true, but the internet said it so...

I read an article not so long ago that said that in order to be body positive, you must accept that "all bodies are equal" and I don't.  I can agree that round pegs and square pegs are equal in form, maybe function.... but a square peg isn't going to fit well in the slot intended for a round one.

And it's the same with people and clothes.  Not all clothes are going to fit every body equally, and making this the basis of body positivity is stupid in my mind.

When I go shopping with any of my friends, fat, thin, tall, short, or anything in between... if I say to them 'that dress doesn't look good on you' it isn't a criticism of their body, more so a critique on the many designers who hate women and design clothes in a way that isn't flattering on all body types.  It isn't that I think they should "hide" parts of their body... if a busty girl wants to show off her clevage?  You show it off, pretty lady!  If a leggy girl wants to wear a short skirt?  You let the world admire your gams!  If a bigger girl wants to wear a body con dress?  You show off those curves!

If a person wants to wear something that's just the wrong size, and has tailoring in the wrong places?  Nope... why look bad in the body you've got?

If this makes me a body shamer, then I guess I'm a body shamer.

In the top photo (I'm the one with the black jeans, blue shirt and black sweater I think I was 14), I used to wear jeans that were two sizes too big, and L/XL tshirts.  I was about 100lbs at the time... This outfit is nearing the furthest from flattering you can get.  I wanted to HIDE the body I had and it looked terrible.

Or the second photo here... where I'm wearing a great jacket that's a bit 'boxy'.  this means, it doesn't hug the curves I've got so I don't look as good as I could.

Ugh, I meandered... my point is not all clothes look good on all bodies... and to pretend otherwise is actually kind of terrible.

Friday, July 29, 2016

In which Tryph is that bitch who thinks she's better than you

Or at least that's what you think when you look at me.

I'm an introvert.  I find being around people draining, I never know what to say and honestly I seem like I'm awful to be around when I don't know who you are, or what you're into.  I am always careful and measured when I do speak, and this is amplified in the first part of any relationship.

I've learned to cope, and have adapted somewhat.  Or at least it seems like that when I'm in a position to get to know you.

But, I've spent the bulk of my life being thought of and called a "bitch".  Hell, a few months ago someone told me that in the first few meetings with me, he considered me to be "severe".

Anyone who actually knows me (when I'm at least not super stressed and angry) knows that I'm anything but severe or a bitch.  I'm smart, funny, engaging, and interesting... but since I don't know how to start a conversation, you'd never ever know that if you looked at me.

Now, this is something I am used to, and while it's a little bit hurtful I'm over it.  But... to know that someone who is a lovely person get judged the same way... it's weird how deeply that cut me.  It used to hurt a lot when I was a kid.  I didn't understand why someone would say such awful things about me, or would treat me poorly just because I didn't know them well enough to comfortably talk to.  I remember feeling like an outcast because I was always writing or reading alone and knowing the whispers about me.

I know that or society tends to judge books by their cover... but... think for a moment and consider how many wonderful people you don't have in your life because you decided that they thought they were better than you and therefore not worth your time.

Seriously think about it.

There are so many people who you would enrich your life if you gave them a chance... And you're the one who needs to because trust me, they're panicking and don't know how to give you a chance.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

In Which Tryph is adamant about testing

Or not testing as the case may be.  

The story goes like this.  September 2015 I joined the local roller derby league ( ) and I was doing pretty okay, not great but okay (meaning I don't think I would have passed my safety minimums and gone on to the next level) but I was having fun for the most part.   
Then, after a few weeks of skating, I fell and broke my arm.  I blame my own stupidity for how I fell. But I shattered the shit out of my left elbow.  

I'm not kidding when I say shattered, btw, my arm break resulted in surgery leaving me with 14 screws and three plates that I can still feel through my skin in some parts.  It wasn't pretty.  

This left me out of commission for quite some time in almost every aspect of my life.  

Back story, I am one of those lucky people who lives with a double helping of mental issues... I'm a depressed person who deals with anxiety.  My normal method of dealing with these two wonderful things is to exercise.  

Which I couldn't really do with my arm all broken.  You seriously have no idea how interconnected everything in your body is until you break something in a heinous way.  

So, my depression took hold.  My anxiety started to spike.  And I'm not even getting into unrelated personal life issues and work stuff.  It was just a very very dark and hard time for me.  

Flash forward a bit to April when NRG is doing another fresh meat intake.  

I fucking panic.  

It literally takes me about 4 weeks of waffling to finally say I'm joining, and then I spend the money to do so immediately before I can back out.  (money for insurance, dues, new elbow pads).

I fucking panic and regret my choice.  On the first day of derby, my girls at work nearly forced me out the door and I nearly cried the entire walk there.  

Once I got there, I didn't die, so I figured I could go again.  

And I did, and have gone for most of the practices.  I almost quit once, but didn't let it kick my ass too hard.  I've even started going to the gym (both because I'm unhappy with my physical state, and that the better shape I'm in, the better I'll skate).

Let me tell you this though... I fucking suck.  Not insulting myself or how far I've come... I have come so far, and will only just get better from here... but I'm terrible.  

Dealing with the fear of being back on four wheels, which was bad the first time but agony this time, and the fact that between October and April I pretty much sat on my ass eating potato chips like a slob... I'm not ready to try half the skills the rest of the group are working on.  

And this is FINE by me.  I'm good with the fact that it's taking me longer.  I've got my reasons, I push through my excuses, but I'm fucking PROUD of how far I've come and how I didn't let anything beat me.  

I'm a goddamned rockstar.  

But then came the safety testing.  It's where they assess whether or not you can skate well enough to learn about the game itself.  It's a necessary part of graduation... and right now, even if I bluffed my way through the tests and got a passing grade, I know I'm not ready at all.  

This is where the depression/anxiety thing comes in again.  

Right now I'm comfortable with the knowledge that I'm not ready.  I'm good with it, I've got peace in my heart and I'm content.  But the moment I'm assigned a failing grade, or a bench mark that unequivocally demonstrates that I'm not ready... I'm done.  

I don't think I could handle being told by a source outside of me that I'm not ready.  I just... my depression couldn't take it.  And while I've wavered a few times through training, I've managed to keep myself on point and moving forward.  While my trainers and my testers would do anything in their power to make me feel good about what I did accomplish... the score... the assessment... the test would be branded to me like permanent failure. 

So I'm adamant about not testing.  And I'm okay with it.  

Monday, July 4, 2016

In which Tryph is a self proclaimed Cardio bunny

 So I started going to the gym again recently.  I try to go 3 times a week after work.  In addition to the gym, I go for a walk after dinner.

All of this is for two things.  One, I'm tired of being fat.  I honestly can't believe I let myself get fat again after I almost hit my goal weight a few years ago.  I don't even know what to blame, other than sheer laziness.

I mean, my body isn't wired to be skinny.  I essentially have to hack my body to make it do what I want... I need to watch what I put into my body, as well as what I do to burn off what I put into it.

Last time I did this, I kept myself to 1000 calories or less, exercised 3-5 times a week, and was so stressed out that I didn't sleep and threw up a lot.

It wasn't a good time.

Anyhow, this time I'm trying to be a bit more balanced.  I have to be because losing weight isn't my only goal, I'd like to get through FreshMeat at derby next time, so I can't lose the chub irresponsibly.  I need to be smart about it.

Now to the cardio bunny part.

So I go to the gym, but I really don't do anything more than use the cardio machines.  Not because I feel like this is the best move for me.  When I'm at home, I'm doing squats, sit ups and all kinds of body weight work outs... but at the gym?  The machines terrify me.  I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should be doing.

I would love to hire a personal trainer, but I'm poor, so that's not an option at this point.  And 90% of my friends are far less athletic than me, so I'm pretty much alone.

So I'm a cardio bunny... at least until I build my compy and I'm not so broke.