In which Tryph still works too much

So I'm officially a TL at work.

Basically I'm the girl who whips the team into shape. I'm actually doing pretty well at it too if you ask me.

On Saturday my boss im'd me to ask what I had done to the team. They almost doubled the target for the day. I was very impressed with them.

My team generally likes me, though I am starting to show them my 'stompy bunny' side. But we'll see how it goes.

And there is talk of creating a schedule that will let me get out of the office before 9pm some nights.

And yeah... That's where I'm at work wise.

More updates as I get used to blogging again. And hopefully better quality posts too.

Dear twitter

I'm writing this to you dear twitter simply to explain where I've been, and to let you know that it's not personal.

You see, my life has gone to hell in a handbasket. Granted it's a cute little loligoth handbasket, but it's hell all the same.

This isn't all bad. Honestly more positive is coming from these events than negative, but still...

I just haven't been myself.

Ive been broody and dark. Overwhelmingly negative and depressed.

I realized that 1 out of every 3 or 4 tweets was one complaint or another... And while I deal with what I'm going through that's entirely understandable... I just don't want to be that girl.

So until I'm not her I'm avoiding you dear sweet twitter. I promise it's not forever, just for now, and when I come back I'll be my happier more positive self.

In which Tryph doesn't have a good subject line

I don't even know what to do most days.

My life is all upside down and backwards, and I'm lost. I really hate living out of suit cases, and that's where I am. And I barely have enough clothes to make work appropriate outfits. Far too many tshirts, and far too few shirts I can actually wear to the office.

Stress is wearing me down too. I had my first meal in a few days yesterday. I ate 12 whole pieces of sushi. I was very proud of this accomplishment.

I'm not sure my stomach is ready for coffee again though. It's been a few days since I've had any, and the days seem to get longer and longer without it.

I sat on my mothers porch last night under the stars talking on the phone.

Upon coming back in I realized that I'm still on edge even here. I think I'd be on edge anywhere, at least until I have a 'home.'

I miss my monkey so much. His smile, his voice, the way he'd snuggle me in the morning before school. TeX said that he has made sure that he knows that it wasn't mommy's choice to leave... I worry though. Because it is my choice to stay away, and I fear that THAT is being messaged as well.

I just can't go back. I can't. Every time I stayed through his rage and his promises, it always turned back into the same old song and dance.

I just... I want a life again. I want out of suitcases. I want....

I want to be happy, and you can't be happy walking on eggshells through a mine field. I'm well past the point of exhaustion. It's time for me to rest.

In which tryph takes it one day at a time

I'm making plans and I'm moving forward.

I can't slide back. I just can't.

TeX offered to let me move back in. Said that he missed me and he was sorry for all the mean hurtful things he said to me.

blah blah blah

It's the same old song and dance really.

Last February it was bad like this. He tried kicking me out almost nightly. He'd get drunk and call me names and throw things at me... then sober up in the morning and apologize. I gave in that time... and it broke me completely.

And in the last 6 weeks alone, he's told me to get out of our house 3 times. This last time was the last time. I can't keep on with the cycle of misery that I've been in. 2 weeks of building a friendship with him.... and then a day to fuck it all up with insane jealous ranting.

I believed him when he said he was okay. I believed him when he said he was over it. I belived in him.

And now... now he's begging me to come back to his house. Promises that things can go back to what they were before he lost his mind.

It's a promise I've heard 2 other times in the last 6 weeks. It's a promise that has been broken 2 other times in the last 6 weeks. It's a promise that's always broken.

I'm tired of broken promises. I'm tired of never knowing what mood he's going to be in, and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells all the time. I'm tired of it all.

I'm moving on.

In which this is a good a time as any

Yeah, sorry.

Things are in constant flux in the world of Tryph.

Though come to think of it the word flux is a bit of an understatement.

Let me start at the beginning of this tale.

So you all know that over a year ago I told TeX that I was leaving.
You also know that I made efforts (futile at the time) to move on with my life with LOML.
And I had made plans to move out with a firm move date of May.

Then, days before TeX was set to leave for a family trip to Hawaii he came up with this wild idea that he wanted to sell the house. An endeavour that we all knew was mostly a ploy to keep me around a little bit longer. And I bit, and went along with it.

A couple reasons for this. A) I wanted the money from the sale of the house for a new place of my own. B) the last thing I wanted was for things to get ugly for the BC.

I never wanted things to get ugly, he always deserved better than that.

So, time passed.

TeX told me he was over me and didn't want to be together. That he knew we were through and was getting to be okay with it. Time and time again he would tell me this. Swear this to me, over and over and over.

Each time I sounded less and less like a lie he was telling me and himself. Each time I believed him more and let my guard down a bit.

We were becoming friends. People who could talk about stuff, enjoyed each others company. I liked laughing and joking with him. Watching TV with him. In spite of myself I found myself genuinely liking him.

This isn't to say that I was ready to forgive and forget and welcome him back into my heart with open arms, but I was welcoming him back into my life. You see, as much as I liked and yes cared for (I'll even use the word love, though perhaps that four letter word is used a tad too liberally these days) him, I didn't trust him with my heart.

He wasn't ever going to get that back.

So flash to yesterday.... when he started to push harder. He started to make it clear that he wanted more than I was giving him. I realized I had to make it clear that I couldn't give him that. The options as I saw them were clear.

• be harsh and draw a clear line in the sand


• be cruel and lead him on into his fantasy.

I chose to draw the line.

And the shit hit the fan.

He ranted and raged and threw me out of the house. He made threats and was cruel to me. He broke what little part of my heart still beat for him and spat on it. Again.

At the end of it all, I feel stupid. I should have, and honestly I did, seen this coming. I let myself be blinded by the good that truly is in him...

Anyhow, I'm writing this now from my mothers spare bedroom while I attempt to figure out what to do with my life. there is a lot I need to figure out. Where I'm going to live, how I'm going to see my monkey again (if I can) and how to keep breathing.

I miss my monkey snuggles already, and it's been less than 24 hours since I was last at the house I used to call home.